If Giving Me Up Was Easier

I Fell For A Boy In High School

I dated a boy in high school who broke my heart.
It may sound superficial as if I was another teenage girl crying over another stupid guy.
When it's the only kind of love you know, as an adult... its not so simple.
I was never shown proper love, only that a man... ANY MAN
will always come before your child. I was shown that being beaten by a man my mother was in a relationship with means She knows and that I should shut up and take it.. it's "JUST DISCIPLINE".

Years after figuring things out, you would
think a mother would do anything to protect her child.

I wouldn't know. I was taught that the abuse of a child will never matter and that the man will always be put first. Years later, I was told he'd changed only to find out it was a lie.

As an adult I was taught that trying to
seek justice for the child you once were is selfish and that I would've just been "seeking attention".

I fell in love in high school, at least based on what I was taught, I thought I was in love. He Never put his hands on me and was gentle.
While not a man of many words, he was sweet with the words he did have. For four years I loved this silent sweet talker.. Once again I was blind enough to ignore the red flags I knew were there long before the relationship started.

His family would verbally abuse me behind my back. he wouldn't respond to it. When someone would start a rumor about me. He stayed silent. Never corrected.
Never Stood up.
"She's cheating" No I wasn't.
"She's pregnant". I was a virgin until I started dating my current partner.
"She's cheating and pregnant" Just NO!
"She's a gold digger" I worked for whatever I wanted.
Still never a word spoken.

When I had enough of being beside myself, he would ask out other girls saying that I no longer loved him because I wanted him to stand up. I always had to plan dates. birthdays, holidays..
I planned EVERYTHING!
We broke up after I turned 21.
I was a Janitor
at the public library and before I had clocked in he's finger locked with another girl. ...He tells me its over and
he wanted to date her.
ALL OF THIS After an argument about
him trying to force himself into my mouth.

I deny his forcefulness so he finds someone else to spend time with? Not even 24 hours after an argument that I felt bad
for having because I was told to shut up and take it. Take all the lies, all the bullshit, all the abuse.

After BEGGING him to tell me if there was someone else. Here he was... just gone.
I was devastated. I realized at that moment
my whole life was a lie. The abuse was wrong.
Enabling the abuse is just as abusive.
Yet here I was crying because he changed
into this terrible person that I knew he'd turn out to be. And I was surprised. Not because it happened, but because I was actually right yet I ignored it. Why was I about to settle and chase after the ghost of someone who was never really there? I was accepting the only "Love" that I was groomed to know.

All at once things in my head go:
STOP! THIS IS NOT LOVE!

Being protected and having boundaries is love.

Your partner being nurturing is love.

Having honesty and trust is love

Compromising, working, and growing together is love!

LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE!

Why are we accepting anything less?
Because its what some of us were taught.
It takes being let down by the ones you trust, crying
until your eyes bleed; almost wanting to commit suicide. It takes turning to whatever drug you can find. It takes almost dying for some of us to understand.
I waited for death for so long that I thought he would be the last person to hammer the very last nails into my coffin.

I was able to build myself back up later on
I realized in the end he was the superficial
one. Especially since he left me for someone who was underage.
As having similar experiences at the age of 16, I knew he would somehow end up getting played.

I guess it goes without saying when Taylor Swift sang
"I'll get older but your lovers stay my age"
She was right!!