Lost With You

Chapter Eighteen

Without anyone anticipating the return of the long awaited duo, Jonathan and Natalie finally appeared at our table in the midst of lunch. Our conversation topic had gotten my attention completely absorbed to the point I had forgotten about the two teenagers who would typically join us. However, judging from the brief silence between the stares we shared with our missing peers, I was not the only one mindlessly indulging in our chat.
     After a short awkward pause, we acknowledged them casually and welcomed them back. Seth and Jack who were occupying the vacated spots shifted closer to one another so that Jonathan and Natalie could settle down. Beth, being the most convivial and sociable of the group, checked up on how they were both doing while we brought back the unimportant matter of discussion to have a good laugh. Even though I desired to dive back into the subject, my mind was struggling to focus on the vocalization of opinions. While people chuckled at the joke, I faked an obviously forced out giggle which was fortunately drowned out by the chorus of chortles around the table.
     Gradually, all of us got over the recently viral video which was what stirred a commotion among us and partnered ourselves with whoever we wished to talk to. I promptly whipped out my phone, prepared to be the lone wolf, but from my peripheral vision, Faith had turned to me in hopes of a chat. I faced her, slightly surprised, only to see that her girlfriend was still busy engaging with the latecomers.
     Her eyes lowered to the device in my hand and she immediately apologized for intruding before targeting her sight to her tray of half eaten food. Not wanting to miss the opportunity of being paired up with someone, I shoved my gadget back into the dark hollow of my pocket and awkwardly spoke to her.
     “How’s your studies for finals going?” she asked as she scooped up several discolored peas and reluctantly got over her desire of skipping lunch, putting the spoon in her mouth. I, on the other hand, had given up and was fortunate enough not to have a partner who would lecture me on how unhealthy it is not to eat.
     “Oh.” I sipped on my decent leftover juice, remembering why I had been pushing myself to study more than usual to avoid any confrontations with Dad. “I’m dying, but it’ll be fine, maybe. What about you?”
     She let out a brief but indifferent giggle at my response as the evidence of her tiny smile vanished right after. “Good luck. I’m fine so far.”
     “You too, I need the luck.”
     Our examinations were approaching in a couple of weeks and I was dreading the days I had left until I would no longer need to worry about the semester. However, because of these terrible upcoming tests which would determine my survivability in front of Dad, it was a valid enough excuse for Jonathan to keep a distance from me as we both needed to focus on revision. Ironically, he had the confidence to be wandering about outside with a certain someone even during this temporary period of distress every student experienced. He would drop by my room every now and then to check up on my progress and even invite me over so that we could revise together, but I would relentlessly decline with the same credible reason.
     Mr. Brad seemed to allow Jonathan to freely roam about regardless that it even baffled Dad as to how lightly he took his son’s impending finals. I had overhead the confrontation between the two adults which Dad unmistakably initiated, but from Mr. Brad’s justification, he trusted Jonathan and his capabilities to secure a good grade since he had not once disappointed his father with the papers he had brought home.
     I didn’t stay to eavesdrop on their entire discussion as I didn’t want to risk receiving a lecture from Dad which would only demotivate me. Dad and I had been on excellent terms so far and I would much prefer it this way than to relive vexatious memories, especially during times of adversity. Even if I was more studious like Jonathan and passed every subject with flying colors, Dad would forbid me to attend hangouts if I had any form of assessments soon.
     Jonathan’s scores were not perfect but he was still able to maintain his overall great performance and was able to improve. Meanwhile, I was struggling to even scrape a B for almost everything because I was very slow at understanding specific theories which were essential. If I had to be honest, I would admit that any help would be appreciated, but I was aware of how busy all my friends were, and Jonathan was definitely not a reliable option.
     At this point, I would be more than happy to just obtain a pass for this year and reevaluate on how I could boost my knowledge when the new term makes its advent. I had been promising myself this for the past half a decade, but procrastination would become a huge hindrance the higher I advanced into my education. In order to please Dad and lift the concerns he had for me, I would probably genuinely need to try my best until I graduated. Moreover, if I had something to distract myself with, at least I could neglect my other trifling unresolved issues . . .
     Avoiding Jonathan was not as simple now, as even though he would be nowhere in sight on some days, I would sometimes hear him calling out to me. I would curse to myself mentally as I would urge myself to greet him and accompany him home. Even if Natalie was not mentioned, I could not feel the same joy I did before the day of my confession. Jonathan never questioned why I always looked tired but he would hang his arm around my shoulder or pat my back as a sign of solace. I couldn’t just pull away from him as I didn’t want any pointless conflicts between us so I would just ignore the sensation and act as how I would with the four companions who I had grown close to over the days the duo were nowhere to be found.
     Deep down, it hurts when it shouldn’t. Everything was just a misunderstanding I needed to learn to get over.
     The usual quartet had asked how things had been since that indelible day and I would partially lie to them since I didn’t want to worry them either. Everything was fine and nothing had changed, was what I would say to them. They shrugged off the lack of progress as inappropriate time to hint my feelings to my housemate which was why they were all very considerate. I knew that if I told them my true thoughts, we would only ramble on for an hour or so. Their advice and suggestions were not what I needed. What would be the most beneficial would be to accept Jonathan and Natalie’s relationship without letting my biased emotions toward our friendship affect them.
     I got home and did what was expected of me during this period. After scrolling social media and entertaining myself with my games, it was back to burying my face into the printed pages of my textbooks. I was listening to music so I didn’t realize when the adults had come back until I noticed the familiar blurry outlines of a black suit peeking from the top of my study material in the background.
     I tugged at the wires of my earphones until I could no longer hear the beats of the tune I had memorized from playing the same song album repeatedly. I greeted Dad with a hint of surprise in my tone as I had not been keeping track of the time, laying my book down onto my lap. He momentarily smiled in satisfaction, undoubtedly from seeing his son endeavoring to secure decent results as I had promised him I was doing.
     When he had asked me if I was studying a week ago with the knowledge that our semester was soon coming to end, I nodded which caused him to shoot a weird glance at me. Since he was so used to getting a sheepish laugh from me whenever he addressed the topic, he never expected me to remember and speculated that I was lying to him. He didn’t press further that day and just acknowledged me with the intentions of barging into my room unannounced randomly to ensure I was being truthful. Now that he was able to see the evidence with his own eyes, he dropped his suspicions.
     We conversed with one another for a good while which I took as an opportunity to rest my eyes from perceiving the dull texts which dominated the white space. It didn’t feel long before Dad told me to concentrate and walked off after closing the door behind him. I sighed at how quickly my unannounced break had gone by and plugged the earphones back, unbothered by the different track from previously as a result of not pausing the music.
     Gauging that an hour had passed, I removed the earbuds which had caused me some irritation and stretched my arms up high before slumping against the chair. My stomach produced an awful gurgling sound and shook my insides as if an earthquake had invaded my body fleetingly. I placed an arm over my belly like it was able to curb my hunger and closed my eyes, worn out by being outside for school and having to devote extra time for something related.
    I darted a glance to the familiar rasp of the door, expecting Dad’s head to be poking through the narrow gap. Instead, the mental image of Dad contorted to fit Jonathan’s appearance as I grasped the figure in reality, instantly dragging my mood down. He greeted me as usual and told me to come down for dinner.
     Deciding it would be best to forget about the hidden strain as I should, I nodded with a terse reply and stood up. I approached the door and Jonathan moved back, gently swinging the door open for me with an unsuspecting smile which I struggled to return. It was odd how his grin used to be as contagious as a yawn when it could no longer affect me that much. A beam used to automatically appear from just an espy of his visible warmth, but the most I could manage now was a half smile before turning away. I did not wish to see his face as all it did was stir a bunch of mixed emotions which I was trying to get rid of.
     I was uncertain but so sure at the same time that these emotions would disappear if I avoided him long enough. I just needed to be patient.
     I moved past him without a single acknowledgment of his friendly gesture, cringing at the accidental brush of our arms which got my hair to stand. His soft footsteps trailed behind me as we silently made our way to the dining room where there were plates of freshly made tomato pasta which only exacerbated my yearning for food.
     Dad was setting down the cutlery around the table while Mr. Brad was absent from his spot at the couch, meaning he was in charge of making dinner today. As Dad finished with putting down the utensils, he noticed us and said hello before sitting down on the nearest chair. I returned his greeting and took my seat in the closest spot which conveniently happened to be beside him. Since I would typically be next to Dad or Jonathan during our meals, it wasn’t questionable even though I would admit that Jonathan would commonly be seen next to me.
     We waited for Mr. Brad to join us as a form of common courtesy before we dug in. Some conversations were initiated by none other than Mr. Brad, asking us how studies were going for us and other things. Since I wasn’t exactly talking to Jonathan, it wasn’t difficult to answer the adults whenever they directed a question to me. However, it was hard to ignore the fact that he would be glancing at me and that we faced each other from where we sat. I would look at my pasta if no one was speaking to me just to avoid direct eye contact with the peer in front of me which I would catch glimpses of to ensure I was not being spied on for seeming odd these days.
     Stabbing my fork into the last pieces of twisted goodness which I scraped in the chunky tomato sauce I had leftover, I took the last bite and stood up with a feeling of satisfaction. Before I left to place my dirty plate in the sink, Dad called out to me as he also got on his feet shortly.
     “Jeremy, do you mind washing the dishes for tonight?” he asked with an inscrutable countenance which hinted more than just an innocent request.
     “What? No, I can do them,” Mr. Brad volunteered. “Both Jonathan and Jeremy have been studying for their finals so they should rest.”
     “No, it’s fine,” I reassured promptly with a smile, grabbing Dad’s plate and stacking it on mine. “I got this.”
     “There’s a lot of dishes left,” Dad said nonchalantly before shooting a glance at Jonathan, causing a bad feeling to rise within me. “Jonathan, do you mind helping—”
     “I said I got it,” my voice firmly intervened automatically at the mention of his name. Being cognizant of the instinctive retort that flew out of my mouth like an untimely fired cannon, my eyes fell to the ground as I muttered an apology and excused myself. On my way to the kitchen, I could hear the agitated tone in Mr. Brad’s voice as he tried to persuade Dad to allow him to do the chores instead. The further I ambled, the more unclear their discussions became, but one thing for certain was that Jonathan didn’t dare invite himself into their talk.
     I gently laid the plates in the sink and stood there motionless, fingers loosely hanging onto the edge of the countertop. I released a sigh and picked up the used dishes in daze, feeling the cold water splashing onto my hands. I was in disbelief at how I responded before and I shouldn’t have let my emotions take control of my voice, but at that juncture, it felt as if I had no command over anything. I was sure that I would be given a lecture by Dad for throwing a temper tantrum, but I couldn’t care about what he had to say about having decent manners. I just wanted to hide in my room for the whole night.
     Speaking of the devil, the unexpected benign tone of a voice I had anticipated finally emerged from the shadows beyond the kitchen.
     “Do you need any help?”
     I could no longer hear any chattering in the dining room, leading me to believe it was safe to assume that Mr. Brad and Jonathan had left. WIthout turning my head, I told Dad that I was handling my task just fine as I scrubbed the cutlery back to its spotless silver. There was a silence between us that if it had not been Dad’s barely audible breathing, I would have thought he was gone.
     “I’m gonna get straight to the point,” Dad nonchalantly warned. “Did anything happen between you and Jonathan?”
     My motions stopped as all I could do while I fathomed his question was watch the steady stream of water wastefully flow through the holes of the strainer. Becoming aware that I was evidently dumbstruck, I denied apathetically as I made no effort to conceal my lies with my typical acts to prove myself.
     “Really?”
     I hummed in response as I broke free from my staggered state and continued washing. Dad released a sigh at the obvious fib before walking over to stand by my side, placing more plates down. He signaled me to make room for him, which I only obliged despite being confused, taking a step to the side. I watched as he picked up the fragile, round object with an extra sponge in his grasp and copied my movements.
     “I won’t press any further than this,” he simply stated. “But whatever it is, I hope it’ll be resolved. Things usually do with time, so just focus on what you need to.”
     He then let out a soft chuckle as he turned to face me. “I’m taking over, so get some rest.”
     “Um,” I stifled a smile at his thoughtful gesture. “Are you sure? Weren’t you the one who asked me to do the dishes?”
     “I just wanted to talk to you, that’s all.”
     I nodded and rinsed off the bubbly foam clinging onto my hands before thanking Dad and making my way to the stairs. However, my grin faltered as I sauntered up the wooden steps in doubt. I appreciated Dad for encouraging me instead of pushing me for an answer about what was happening, but I could only hope he was right.