Loving You Isn't The Right Thing to do

Loving You

(Lindsey POV)

I loved her, what else was there to say, the first three words that ran through my whiskey fizzled mind was the obvious three words as I watched her smile that stole the room, even across from her, she grabbed my attention "I Love You" why did I have to love her, of course I did though, to me she was perfect, even with her faults, flaws and self destructive behaviours, I loved her, I fucking loved her, too much and it was a blessing and a curse but I wanted forever with her, even though I knew I would never feel good enough and I worried she was getting bored with me, I loved her though and I guess that made me weak.

It made me sick how much I loved her, it hurt,  internally I felt like those emotional boys at school that got bullied back in the day, even though I was far from school and the only bullies were my bandmates, it was the way I grew up, or maybe I was just weak, I based my whole life around her, since that night I met her, sang with her, joined a band with her, that first kiss, that first time, our first everything, of course I acted more experienced than I was, but I had no clue, the first time we had sex, I didn't even know if I came or not until figuring out the dos and don'ts, I was so nervous, the effect she had on me, she was a goddess and I always felt like a loser, even though I would never admit it, I doubted I could please her, but somehow I did, well or she put up with me, but now, the cracks were showing like I expected, well they showed for a long time, but now the cracks were becoming more noticeable, to the point I expected the cracked glass of our love to shatter at any time.

She'd put up with so much from me, that was how I saw it, I knew I was not the easiest man to live with, I wasn't right, I felt a screw up for as long as I could recall, the effect of getting ill and then losing the most important man in my life had only added to the way I coped with things and the way I felt I was perceived, it hurt so much, I couldn't bear to even talk about it, thankfully though, Stevie had seemed to learn that about me, she'd cup my face with those sweet delicate fingers, look at me with those big doe eyes and that pout and just seem to capture me with her gaze, its like she could read me, take my hurt away with just her presence, her gaze, her kiss, the way she curled up to me, her tiny petite body curled up to me.

I craved that, I was needy, I got jealous, who could blame me, I know I came off as controlling to her, the amount of times we fought was ridiculous, people joked we were always fighting but no one saw the context of it and if they did it was only Stevie's point of view, like the time I caught her on the phone to her mother, calling me controlling, but she left out the part, the argument had been over her newest female friend trying to encourage her to smoke heavier drugs that just pot with her and Stevie had got angry because I was concerned, if she wanted to do bad things, why couldn't she do them with me, I tried to be fun, even though I preferred a quiet night sometimes, then when I did want to go out, she didn't, but she'd leap when her friends like Robin and Sara clicked their fingers, I know I came off as jealous but it was concern.

Stevie had always been a wild flower, a goddess craving havoc like a deity of self destruction, I had to deal with that because I fucking loved her, I love her and at times, it hurts and at times she is ungrateful and hurts me without even knowing but then I feel bad and think I came off as an arrogant prick, I never wanted to come off as jealous and controlling but the way she portrays me makes me feel like an arsehole, I hate myself sometimes, I self destruct too, we were like a match made in heaven and hell all at once, fire and gasoline, Adam and Eve, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet and Ophelia, Samson and Delilah.

I loved Stevie

I love Stevie and I always will until the day I die and probably in the next million lifetimes and  universes or whatever, I slowly fell for her before I even knew I was and then I kept falling in love with her, she's like an addiction, I sometimes just wish I was her addiction like she is mine but I worry her addictions will kill her and if she dies, I know I will too.