Christopher To Christina: An Answered Prayer

12. Self-Discovery

With me in high school and no more homeschooling to deal with, Mommy got a job. The medical bills had been high, so to compensate Mommy decided she needed to work. Her administrative skills soon had her earning a nice salary and we were living better than before, even after paying the medical bills.

In high school, I found myself curious about things. Thoughts I would never have entertained before. I began to seriously want to date boys and several nights I'd even had a dream about having my first kiss with one. 

I was glad not to be a boy myself, but nevertheless now that they were no longer a threat to me, I was finding them curiously fascinating.

I like the way they treated me like a delicate creature and no longer wanted to tease me, pick on me, laugh at me, call me names, hit me, beat me, and and get their laughs by kicking the overweight boy between the legs.

The only problem was that they didn't notice me the way I wanted them to. I wasn't exactly the size and shape they found attractive. I was a big girl, meaning, even though they liked curves, I was curvier they they desired. I weighed too much, had a bitvof a belly, thick thighs, sausage fingers, and chubby cheeks.

This in turn, affected my personality and I kept to myself, not talking to anyone much, just doing my school work and going home.

Mommy asked me what was wrong. She wanted to know if I regretted my decision and was wishing I could go back to being a boy.

I explained to her how boys didn't notice me like they did the bubbly, flirty, outgoing, thin girls.

She told me that maybe it was partially my own fault. She said, regardless of my size, if I wasn't an outgoing person with a happy, infectious personality, no guy would ever notice me. She said my own self-confidence would go a long way in determining whether or not any guy wanted to date me.

I talked to the psychiatrist about it and he told me basically the same thing. He said personality goes a long way, it's not always looks. He also said a simple smile could be my greatest asset.

From then on I made sure I smiled more and I started making a conscious effort to talk to people I never had before. I worked on becoming friends with some of the attractive girls in my class.

I studied those girls, trying to learn what it was about their personalities that attracted people to them. I began to emulate what they did, how they acted, the things they said, and took note of how they flirted with boys.

Another thing I did was to began noticing how the attractive girls dressed and asked mom to take me shopping for some cuter clothes and shoes.

I got my ears pierced; two holes on one side and three on the other, got a little piercing in my nose, started painting my nails and began to take advantage of all the wonderful things you can do with makeup.

My new favorite thing out of all this was the pair of suede, knee high boots with a heel, that mom bought me. I had to make myself only wear them once or twice a week, otherwise I would have had them on every day.

I began to watch what I ate and as I became happier, I found myself not using food as a comfort mechanism. This helped me increase my happiness level and personality,  even if I didn't lose much weight. I was genetically predisposed to being big, based on my mommy and dad's large sizes, and I came to terms with knowing I'd never be a 109lb skinny minnie.

I also stared saying hi to the boys and finding reasons to ask them questions about what the teacher was explaining, even though i actually understood it better than them, giving them a chance to feel smart in front of a girl.

After a while I actually had a guy not just start talking to me, he was genuinely trying to get to know me.

He was in my math class and sat in the desk next to me. Every day when he came into class he would say hi as he sat down. I would return his "hi" with a warm smile and he would ask me about my day.

During class, it was him that began to find reasons to ask mr about a math problem, pretending he was having trouble finding the solution. I know he was pretending because he always got A's on the tests. He was just looking for an excuse to talk to me.

His nervousness when he would speak to me, I found it to be cute.  To make him feel at ease, I used the things I had learned from observing the girls that had no problem getting guys to notice them. I laughed at his corny jokes (even when they weren't very funny), and smiled at him with conscious eye contact, whenever he spoke.

I occasionally asked him if he understood what the teacher was explaining, and when I would help him with a math problem I would take his pencil from his hand to use, making sure to make physical contact by briefly placing my hand on his.

Finally, after several months, he got the nerve to ask me to out. He asked me to go with him to the homecoming dance.

We had a great time that night and went on a couple more dates. It didn't take long before I had another boy ask me out.

Once, I asked one of my dates why he would ask out a big girl like me instead of one of the beautiful, perfectly sized girls that were so plentiful around school. He told me, "those girls came with too much baggage, and it was so much easier to talk to me than the thin and perfect figured, high maintenance, image obsessed girls with impossible expectations. Big girls are easy going and more carefree and the conversation is much easier, honest, and as it should be."

He also told me perfectly sized girls come with a lot of boundaries. They don't open up easily. They make it hard for the guys who  do try to date them.

From that conversation, I learned that there were many more boys that would rather date a curvier girl like me than not because of those reasons, but wouldn't because they think they are the only one and are afraid they would be ridiculed for doing it.

Another thing I learned when I started dating boys was that I liked the hardness of their bodies, the safety and security I felt when they put their arm around me, and the way they looked at me. I liked kissing them, and I liked to watch their lips when they talked. 

I soon found I liked another kind of hardness, too. I discovered just how much, the first time I ended up with my hand inside a boy's pants.

I couldn't let him into my pants, of course, because of what he'd find there, but I fell back on the time-of-the-month excuse and had a grand time using my hand--my first ever, on anyone including myself since mine didn't work, due to the hormone blockers.  

A penis was a fine thing, I decided, as long as it wasn't on MY body, and as word got around amongst the boys that I was a fun thick girl to make out with, I got the opportunity to handle, a few more penises.

I discovered that each one was different in length, thickness, color, and how it hung. It wasn't long before I began to want to try pleasing a guy using my lips.