Anxiety

Take Me Back To My Happy Life

You know what I missed the most?

My old self.
My happy self.
Not the one that I had today.

I miss waking up happy,
Even though I didn't get enough sleep.
But still, I woke up happy because of the people that I shared my happiness with.

I didn't know those people personally but I know in my heart that they are the ones who, somehow, makes me happy.
I met them on twitter.

A long time ago
I dreamed of meeting someone
Who will be with me forever
To good and bad times
I always thought that meeting 'that' someone
Will make me even more happier.
But no.
Sometimes being with him makes me happy
But mostly not.

As time went by I developed anxiety.
Staying late at night while pretending to be asleep and thinking about the supposed to be happy moments that I never had. Or waking up late and sad, still thinking about the supposed to be happy moments that I never had.

I wish I can turn back time.
I wish to be happy again.
I wish that that someone will ever make me happy again, like he did a long time ago.

I wish he could ever listen to my story.
Like he was before.
I wish he could feel how sad or happy I am.
Like he was before.

The only reason why I pray to God to keep me alive are my kids. They are the only ones that kept me going. And fight this anxiety alone.

I know I couldn't go back to yesterday.
But I know that God will never let me lose over this sadness.
The sadness I didn't know where it really came from.

I know someday He will answer my prayers.
And I will never get tired of waiting for that time to come.

I trust in you O Lord.