untitled and unfinished

chapter one

I was raised with the words of literature. "There is some good in this world, and it is worth fighting for." - J.R.R Tolkien, The Two Towers. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is invisible to the eye."- Antoine de Saint, The Little Prince. "'Why did you do all this for me?' he asked. 'I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you.' 'You have been my friend,' replied Charlotte. 'That in itself is a tremendous thing.'" — E.B White, Charlottes Web. "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship."- Louisa May Alcott, Little Women.

 My only comfort is what comes with the characters that I have been around. Longing to be transported away from this world and into the mystical worlds of Wonderland and Hogwarts. I am filled with foolish fantasies and unrealistic scenarios that give me false hope of the treacherous world.   Fooled and immature is how I am left. 

My role model in life, the kindhearted, obliging women she is, pushing past all barriers for me. Expecting nothing less than perfection has left me feeling empty and hopeless. Feeling like I am never enough, constantly doubting, and never feeling 'perfect'. I was forced to mature at a young age to be as perfect as I was planned to be. Constantly awing my professors and teachers with my amazing capabilities, but never enough. I long to hear the words "I am proud of you." Very few times have I been told that. Staying in a place that does not feel safe for her or I at times just to stay a family she is a saint. While she may sit and defend him, I know her heart longs for admiration and kindness too. Only a compendium of knowledge could help me now. 

I am known as the sweet, reticent girl. Never sharing my contrasting opinions in fear of angering someone who does not know the real me. Sitting there and holding my tongue when their opinions are not correct. The girl who was new and was never included, the girl who is always there for everyone but no one there for her, the girl who is just there for tutoring and homework. No one knows what she thinks about, no one cares. Sometimes I wish I could just scream. Say how sexist and hypocritical the people in my life are. How they do not understand what I go through, and how their problems do not even measure to mine. If only they knew the tears that had been shed, if only they knew the pain they had caused. No one understands the real me. 

Until there is one person who truly cares about me. And then I latch on and problems occur because they use and torture me with information I thought was told to them in confidentiality. I  never get close to anyone anymore. The dangers of relationships terrify me. I always must keep up the act that I am flourishing in life. If only they knew what was behind the mask. My feelings too dark to share, too deep to confide in someone. If only someone understood. 

The world to me is one big story. Everything fitting into one cover, one spine, one chapter. Constantly believing that the next chapter will get better. Literature has ruined me. Always convinced my happily ever after will come. I choose to be kind and gracious for it is the one principle that has stayed constant in my life. Maybe I am the villain in my story. Maybe that is what I am meant for. Trying to accept the fate that my life is not all fairies and princesses is getting harder and harder by the day. I am still waiting for my prince charming to come to this day fourteen years later. 

The young boys I choose to surround myself have made my life worse. Constantly longing for them to be like the dashing characters I have read about. I still have not found my Prince Charming. Instead I have sexist, homophobic teenagers who think that they control me with their words. I feel as if I am trapped in a relationship that is toxic for me. I used to like him more than words can express. I used to get butterflies every time I saw his face or his notification pop up. I was so happy. Then he decided he did not care for me. Never put in an effort, let other girls flirt with him, never defended me. But I cannot hurt him because it pains me to see someone who I care for so deeply hurting. So I force myself to be indecisive in order to spare his feelings. I attempted once. It did not end well. I was attacked and harassed for defending something I am passionate about. I could not win. So I surrendered after a long battle. 

Words and stories have always surrounded me. Swirling in through bubbles and trains just waiting to be released. Now I am releasing them into the world to see. I cannot say my name or what this story is about in fear that the ones I truly love see this. This to me is the only outlet I have to truly be me. The dark melodic person that I have become yet no one knows. I can only tell you of the heartbroken, lost girl who stands before you.