'Turn to page 364.' Snape spoke in his usual monotone. A few of the fourth year students giggled as they saw the diagram on the page, but a particularly eager Ravenclaw had found the page months prior and so most had seen it already.
'This,' Snape annunciated as he opened his desk draw, pulling out a rather large, bright blue dildo that had come to be known in the staff room as Papa Smurf; 'is a penis.'
A few immature giggles filled the room as a few more cheeks turned red.
'This,' Snape spoke once more, silencing the room as he went to turn the projector on to reveal a labelled diagram; 'is a Vagina.'
Louder giggles arose now, cheeks redder. A group of four Gryffindor boys- Bill Weasley, Thomas Borgin, Adrian Burke and Caspar Lee- were muttering between themselves, clearly finding this all very funny. With his signature cape swoosh, Snape marched across the classroom until he was behind Bill and Caspar, taking their heads in his hands and pushing them down.
'Aah.' Grunted Bill, whilst Caspar rubbed the back of his head.
'Pay attention in my class, Mr Weasley.' Snape directed at the boy before turning back and making his way up the centre isle towards the front of the classroom, his robes catching in the wind and trailing behind him. Bill, now out of sight, birded the back of his head to the amusement of the other Gryffindors and a few of the Hufflepuffs.
Nymphodora Tonks grinned at Bill, a thought passing through her head.
'So...' Snape resorted back to his usual drawl, although a little louder than normal as to raise the attention of the class. 'Sex.' Giggles erupted from the Ravenclaw corner, soon silenced by Snape's unamused glare. 'Sex is when a male puts his penis inside a female's vagina.' Snape read from the textbook. 'It is important to be safe when having sex. As in the diagram above, you can see...'
'Mmmmm.' A low groan came from the Gryffindor corner, another wave of giggles overtaking the room.
'Silence.' Snape spoke slowly and the class calmed, only a few rowdy Slytherin's left giggling as their friends elbowed them in the ribs. Moving on slightly in the book, Snape began again. 'There are some important charms you need to be aware of as your bodies,' Snape paused slightly, 'change. The most important of these spells is the contraception charm, which not only prevents pregnancy but also prevents the spread of...'
'Aaaahhhhh.' A loud moan from the Gryffindor corner once more.
Snape snapped his book shut, marching over to the red-headed boy in the back of the room. 'Enjoying yourselves, are we, Mr Weasley?'
'Not yet Sir, but after this lesson I am planning to.' A loud rumble of laughter hit the room. Snape glared at the boy, a vein on the side of his neck throbbing. He found giving lessons like this awkward enough without little shits like him getting all gobby.
'Outside, now!' Snape snapped, angry as nervous and somewhat impressed noises surrounded him. Obligingly, Bill stood and walked towards the door, Snape following behind. As soon as the door closed, Tonks jumped up out of her seat.
'This,' Tonks made towards the front of the classroom, picking up Papa Smurf and putting on her best imitation of Snape's voice. As she turned to face the class, dildo in hand, she scrunched up her face and morphed into an exact replica of her teacher. 'Is a penis.' She raised her eyebrows a few times as laughs encircled the room, a few of the more up-tight Slytherins raising their noses slightly.
'And this,' she began to raise the dildo to her mouth, moving slowly and speaking in Snape's signature low drawl. 'Is how you suck it.' Just as she was about to place Papa in her mouth, much to the amusement of her crowd, Snape burst through the door, the look of annoyance on his face unparalleled to anything she had seen before. Bill trailed behind him, a wicked grin spread across his features.
'Nymphodora Tonks. Dumbledore's Office, now.'
Doing as she was told, Tonks left the room to a loud applause and the odd wolf whistle. Snape hated this lesson. Thanks god it was McGonogall's turn next year.
***Deleted Extract***
Snape spoke quickly. 'Sex is BAD, children. Love is BAD. Feelings are BAD. Just don't... ugh here's a protection spell.'
***Afterthought***
So did the Slytherin girls have to go to Snape to ask for pads/tampons?...
