Seeing Shane Gray ✓

forty two | aftermath

December 3

*.*.*.*.*.*

I know I probably shouldn't, but I still spend the rest of the day thinking about what could be wrong with Shane. It's not like I have anything better to do, with both my parents being absolutely invisible.

Finally plucking up the courage to face them, I knock on my mom's door and wait. I wait and wait, sighing after about ten minutes and fifteen knocks. Maybe she just doesn't want to see me.

My room feels too quiet and I plug in my earphones and switch on the auto-play of YouTube before closing my eyes and lying down. The music is so loud and new that it blocks out my thoughts, keeping me indifferent for the two hours before my head finally begins to pound and I fall asleep near three a.m. I wake up with a heavy head and burning eyes, but also another revelation.

Taking a quick bath and changing, I grab my school bag and run out of my room. I'm usually not this excited to get to school and my haste is not excitement even today.

I just need to find Shane.

Sometimes I feel like I've lost everything. I lost my twin brother, my biggest support system and my closest family member. I lost my parents, their love and fleeting attention. I lost the sense of control I had over my life, with everything spinning out of control and leaving me staring after it with helplessness in my mind and heart. And now ... I feel like I'm losing Shane.

I won't lose Shane.

The first glimpse I catch of him is when he's going into a class with Carlos. I call after him from the other side of the busy hallway and he probably doesn't hear me. He enters the class and I huff.

The next time I see him, he's standing with a teacher and talking animatedly about something. As much as I would like to interrupt them, when he enters the teacher's office at his side, I can't do anything but wait.

The third time I see him, he's glancing around before diving into the boys' bathroom. Unlike last time when I followed him in because there was no one else around, I wait for him to come out because people coming and going. I finally leave my toting pole when I have to get to class. Shane hasn't been out yet.

"Are you okay?" Marla asks me. "You look kind of sick."

"Didn't sleep well last night," I quickly excuse myself, not wanting to go into detail of all my exaggerated yet very rational features.

It isn't until after school that I tell my friends I'll be riding back home with Shane. I don't consider it a lie, because if all goes well, I will be going home in Shane's navigator and not on foot.

Standing beside his car and hugging my torso, I see him making his way out of the school building with his friends as usual. I lick my lower lip and inhale a deep breath, telling my heart to stop beating so fast. I don't even know why I'm so anxious.

When Shane finally spots me, though, the paleness of his face tells me I have every reason to be anxious.

'Please be wrong, Taylor,' I keep telling myself, 'please just be wrong.'

I expect Shane to come rushing over as soon as he sees me -- that's what the old Shane would do -- but he doesn't. Instead, he stands with Carlos for a long time, talking and looking down on his phone. My cheeks feel hot and I want to leave, embarrassed for trying to force a conversation when he clearly doesn't want to have one. I want answers, though, so I stand my ground. He'll have to face me eventually.

Nobody can run forever.

When Shane finally looks my way, he shoots me an exasperated look that is highly uncharacteristic of him. It makes my heart stop for an unnaturally long time before starting at double speed.