Secret || Chanlix

Chapter one.

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A/N

THIS CHAPTER HAS KINDA BEEN REWRITTEN SO IT'S NOT IN THE FIRST-PERSON FORMATTING THAT THE REST OF THE BOOK IN.

TAKE NOTE THAT THIS WAS REWRITTEN ABOUT A YEAR AFTER THE REST OF THE BOOK SO IF IT'S EITHER WAY BETTER OR WAY WORSE THAN THE REST THEN THAT'S WHY.

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Felix frowned at the image of himself in the dance room mirror.

He was sweating under the weight of his hoodie, as expected after spending six hours dancing with few breaks in between songs, but luckily the black fabric hid the damp patches of sweat he could feel under his armpits. If he managed to even out his breathing a little more and hide the exhausted expression on his face, then the members wouldn't have any reason to try to convince him to remove any of his numerous layers of clothing. His body was already too noticeable in his reflection, anyway.

The forest green sweatpants he was wearing hung low on his waist and made his hips look wide in the mirror, though the hoodie managed to hide a lot of his silhouette. A black cap with some stupid shitty brand name was paired with a disposable face-mask to cover his face so that his feminine cheekbones and not-quite-as-prominent-as-it-should-be jawline were disguised. Still though, his flaws stood out in his eyes as if they had been circled by neon green highlighter.

It made him want to smash the mirror, or at least punch it until his knuckles were raw and bleeding just so that he wouldn't have to look at himself. He'd come so far from how he used to look, but it still wasn't good enough. He could still see evidence of the scrawny, short little girl with long, knotted hair and scraped knees scowling back at himself every time he glanced at his reflection.

With every choppy, breathless pant that followed the rise and fall of his chest, he could feel the scratchy material of a bandage tighten around his ribs. It was overly tight around his skin to hide any lumps and bumps there that the other members wouldn't have, but that just meant that his lungs were restricted from getting the air they needed after dancing for so long. Every shallow inhale left him wincing at the tenderness of the bruises blooming on his torso. Ignoring it though, he leaned down to swipe a bottle of water from his bag. His chest looked flat; that had to be good enough for the moment.

"Hey Lix, you good?" Changbin asked from where he was sitting against the mirror, an open water bottle in his hand.

Nodding, Felix attempted a smile in response - though it probably looked more like a grimace as he straightened up. "Yeah hyung, just a bit sore." He emphasised his statement with a dramatic stretch that made several bones crack under his skin. When Changbin laughed at the display, Felix couldn't help but let his eyes linger for just a second too long on the elder's exposed biceps in his muscle tee that left little to the imagination.

Veins bulged under Changbin's tanned skin, tracing the lines of defined muscle like worms similar to the ones wiggling their way into Felix's chest the longer he stared at his hyung. Jealousy, his mind supplied when he couldn't name the feeling wriggling its way through his insides. You're jealous because you'll never have a body like that.

A hurried shake of his head was enough for Felix to push the thoughts away for a while as he sat down as well, his body slumped forward out of habit to further hide his figure. But then the dancer couldn't help but glance down at his own arms and his mood soured even further. Although the limbs were hidden under multiple layers, they were still visibly stick-thin and scrawny like a scraggly, prepubescent teenager. Why couldn't he have muscles like Changbin (or literally any of the other members)? Why was he stuck being so frail and pathetic when all his members could easily lift him with one arm? It wasn't fair.

"Yongbokkie!" A loud shout shoved Felix's mind out of his thoughts once more and he found himself quickly turning his head towards Hyunjin with an inquisitive frown. "Do you have any of those celery sticks you brought to our last practice session?"

Humming in thought, eventually the younger dancer shook his head. "Nope, but I do have regular potato chips or a packet of seaweed if you want either of those." He watched the other curiously, frown deepening when Hyunjin easily shook his head at the suggestion.

"I'm trying to be healthy, man." He said in english, making the Aussie smile proudly despite the twinge of worry in his chest.

"But if you don't help me eat them, I'll have to share with Sungie." Felix threatened, tone playful while they both ignored the indignant squawk from Jisung. Continuing on more seriously this time, he stood up to walk to his bag and pull out the package of seaweed from inside of it. "Plus, the seaweed is really healthy too and doesn't have any unnecessary flavourings or anything." He waved it teasingly at the taller, hoping to entice him with the green plastic package.

"Okay," the elder dancer relented after a moment of deliberation, catching the snack when it was tossed to him. Felix watched him glance over the nutrition labels on the back before sighing and opening it, starting to munch delicately on the squares of seaweed. Everyone in Stray Kids knew that Hyunjin was sensitive about the topic of weight, but they tended not to pressure the male into talking them about it in fear they would make it worse. Still, they all subtly tried to reassure the dancer that he was perfect and that gaining weight wasn't a big deal whenever they could.

"Alright. One more run through of Domino and then we call it a day?" Chan announced, his tone open for objections which the boys knew he would listen to with his full attention no matter what. He grinned at them fondly when there were no complaints, only whiny groans as the seven of them dragged their aching bodies back into position. Subtly enough to ignore, Felix's chest throbbed with adoration for their leader as he shuffled into his starting position and smacked a smile onto his face to encourage the others.

"Let's go, guys! One more and then we're free!" He cheered, whooping when the sluggish males hauled themselves up. Silently, Felix noted the height difference between himself and the member next to him in the mirror.

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