Mending Ryan Falls ✓

18 | in which she makes a mistake

Souls don't need to speak in words,
They speak in silence.

.\.|./.

Crystal Monroe

|in which she makes a mistake|

Sometimes I wonder if I have lost my mind.

Other times, I'm sure I never had it.

Today is one of those times, when I wonder what the hell God was thinking when He forgot to give me a brain.

What kind of a girl, with any level of self-respect and goal in life, wakes up in the morning with the thought 'hmm, what do I cook for my incapacitated neighbor today?' Crazy girls like me, oh yes!

I should go to class. Instead, I spend my morning in my kitchen, despising myself for being so lame but too lazy to do anything about it. It doesn't feel natural for me to go out. The first few times I thought about getting a job or doing something with my life, Jeremy was very clear about what he wanted from me.

'I don't want you to be like those other girls, Chris,' he sad said. 'Those feminist chicks who value career more than relationships and go out dressed like sluts to get men to stare at their boobs. You want to do that, Chris? Don't you like being here? Safe and protected, loved and respected? Come on, babe, don't make me mad.'

'I don't like hurting you, babe. Please don't make me.' These were the words he always spoke to me afterward, holding me in his firm arms and hugging me to his chest and falling asleep like he didn't just leave bruises on my body and soul.

What bothered me in the first few months soon became a routine, and sometimes I even expected it. His anger and hate were expected, his love no longer was.

Trying not to think about Jeremy or the fact that I'm missing classes, I leave my house, a bowl of spicy chicken noodles in my arms, without chicken, unfortunately. I would have added chicken if I had some. But not only is my refrigerator entirely empty now, but my kitchen cabinets are too. I've been putting off shopping for groceries due to the fact that I have no money, but this is not something I want to think too much about.

'Maybe there's still something left in the bank,' I think to myself, making up my mind to go to the ATM in the evening.

I'm already absent-mindedly walking towards the entrance of Ryan's house when I see the car parked in front of his gate. I stop in my tracks, considering who it could be. In the past week or so that I have been bringing him food, he never had any visitors. The only person who even called him was his ... sister!

Without wasting a moment, I run back to my own house, pull open the door and jump in. I slam the door shut, panting and shocked by my own fear.

What am I afraid of? I have nothing to fear with regard to Ryan's sister. But the judgment in her gaze is something I don't want. I don't want Olivia to look at me and question why I'm doing anything for her brother at all. Worst case scenario, she might assume I'm still trying to poison him. Knowing Ryan, though, he would probably make up some fat lie that would be easy to see through.

Besides, if she's here, Ryan might not even need me to bring him food at all.

Comforted by the fact that he's in good hands -- why the hell do I even care? -- I put the noodles in the fridge and decide to go to the bank now. It would not only give me an opportunity to clear my head, but also provide me a chance to drive.

I leave the house again, locking up and getting into my car. Casting one last look towards Ryan's house, I pull onto the road, rolling down the window and letting the wind rush through my hair. I inhale it in, the cool wind soothing me from within.