B)

when you tell someone you’re a victim of gaslighting and then you start to question whether it could actually be considered gaslighting and if you’re probably just overreacting and stretching the truth to gain attention or sympathy :| 

hi guys i think i wanna start goin by van for now 
          you can still call me ash but i wanna try it out for a while see if i like it
          thanks bye :D 

when my brother refused to go to class my mom asked me, pleading, what she should do. 
          
          i told her that if he doesn’t go to class it’s his problem. 
          
          “but it’s my responsibility!” 
          
          it wasn’t your responsibility when *i* was ever in that situation. why do you suddenly feel obliged to be responsible for *his* actions? 

me: i don’t like it when you guys yell or raise your voice 
          
          mom: *raises her voice* 
          
          me: :) /s 

i’ve genuinely lost all respect for my mother today. 

okay uh. i am failing two of my classes. one of them is from a class with a teacher that i really respect and look up to so the fact that i didnt go to. any of his meetings really makes me feel horrible. i *could have* but i just *didnt* and how lousy and horrible is that. im tearing up just thinking about it. i might have to be honest with him about all of this because genuinely i would feel so bad keeping him in the blue like this 

whenever im sad all i do is turn up my music and blast it in my ears. it doesn’t make me feel happy. but what can i do about it. i try my best to make myself happy. i cannot do that without hurting the others around me. they’re going to be angry with me. god. maybe death would really be better than such a fruitless worthless stupid useless life. ugh 

my earbuds are small. they are always plugged into my computer, and when the pale wire is tangled up they fit right into the palm of my hand. the left one plays music quieter than the other. 
          
          when i do my work, my left ear faces the door behind the area my brother resides in. every hour of every day. 
          
          when my mother is yelling at him, my earbuds play the music quieter in my left ear than in my right. 
          
          i can still hear her. 
          
          i am still hurt. i do not know why. maybe i understand the innate connection between us, of staying up on late nights staring blankly as zombies at a screen of red due dates. maybe i understand we are, truly, one and the same. 
          
          my earbuds are small. they are loud, but they are annoyingly small. 

i hate when i go to sleep wirhout wiping off my mascara i wake up and i look like fucking sangwoo

ok now i have decided to change my Aesthetic Entirely i am going to be an Academia kid with a heavy Grunge and Indie influence who listens to indie pop and modern rock because i am Like That and also insanely awesome and i am going to be Vibing to Whatever because Yeah :) thats literally Me :) anyways i feel like finding an aesthetic and kinda applying it to my life would kind of help me feel more balanced and secure like. heck yeah i wanna be stable and lovely and inspirational. not quite there yet but like i wanna vibe no matter what im doing or where i am. stay unproblematic and vibe in ur own lane and then you get all this positive energy and rn i really need to cultivate that and harvest it bcuz i simply havent been feelin it i kinda wanna feel it though yaknow. end this year off w/ a bang =)