yellow_van

when you tell someone you’re a victim of gaslighting and then you start to question whether it could actually be considered gaslighting and if you’re probably just overreacting and stretching the truth to gain attention or sympathy :| 

yellow_van

questioning** 
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yellow_van

yes question ling your own sanity and memory of the events that happened to you is a stmptom of gaslighting thats why its supposed to be funny ok bye :)
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yellow_van

when you tell someone you’re a victim of gaslighting and then you start to question whether it could actually be considered gaslighting and if you’re probably just overreacting and stretching the truth to gain attention or sympathy :| 

yellow_van

questioning** 
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yellow_van

yes question ling your own sanity and memory of the events that happened to you is a stmptom of gaslighting thats why its supposed to be funny ok bye :)
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yellow_van

when my brother refused to go to class my mom asked me, pleading, what she should do. 
          
          i told her that if he doesn’t go to class it’s his problem. 
          
          “but it’s my responsibility!” 
          
          it wasn’t your responsibility when *i* was ever in that situation. why do you suddenly feel obliged to be responsible for *his* actions? 

yellow_van

me: i don’t like it when you guys yell or raise your voice 
          
          mom: *raises her voice* 
          
          me: :) /s 

yellow_van

okay uh. i am failing two of my classes. one of them is from a class with a teacher that i really respect and look up to so the fact that i didnt go to. any of his meetings really makes me feel horrible. i *could have* but i just *didnt* and how lousy and horrible is that. im tearing up just thinking about it. i might have to be honest with him about all of this because genuinely i would feel so bad keeping him in the blue like this 

yellow_van

ok i drafted the email and im literally crying as i type it am i actually this miserable
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yellow_van

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okay im gonna email him. i know he’ll understand but im just scared because i’ve done this before and i should fucking know better than to have done this. i should have tried. i never once tried. it sucks. its horrible of me. i feel like a failure having to open up to them all like this but i genuinely do not have any other choice. please im so genuinely sorry oh my god i literally feel horrible
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yellow_van

whenever im sad all i do is turn up my music and blast it in my ears. it doesn’t make me feel happy. but what can i do about it. i try my best to make myself happy. i cannot do that without hurting the others around me. they’re going to be angry with me. god. maybe death would really be better than such a fruitless worthless stupid useless life. ugh 

yellow_van

my earbuds are small. they are always plugged into my computer, and when the pale wire is tangled up they fit right into the palm of my hand. the left one plays music quieter than the other. 
          
          when i do my work, my left ear faces the door behind the area my brother resides in. every hour of every day. 
          
          when my mother is yelling at him, my earbuds play the music quieter in my left ear than in my right. 
          
          i can still hear her. 
          
          i am still hurt. i do not know why. maybe i understand the innate connection between us, of staying up on late nights staring blankly as zombies at a screen of red due dates. maybe i understand we are, truly, one and the same. 
          
          my earbuds are small. they are loud, but they are annoyingly small. 

yellow_van

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i hate when i go to sleep wirhout wiping off my mascara i wake up and i look like fucking sangwoo

yellow_van

ok now i have decided to change my Aesthetic Entirely i am going to be an Academia kid with a heavy Grunge and Indie influence who listens to indie pop and modern rock because i am Like That and also insanely awesome and i am going to be Vibing to Whatever because Yeah :) thats literally Me :) anyways i feel like finding an aesthetic and kinda applying it to my life would kind of help me feel more balanced and secure like. heck yeah i wanna be stable and lovely and inspirational. not quite there yet but like i wanna vibe no matter what im doing or where i am. stay unproblematic and vibe in ur own lane and then you get all this positive energy and rn i really need to cultivate that and harvest it bcuz i simply havent been feelin it i kinda wanna feel it though yaknow. end this year off w/ a bang =) 

yellow_van

update i have a rock music induced headache but i am not stopping until i half assedly grind out responses to all of this late work booyah!! =) 
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yellow_van

hi change of plans i realized the vibe was actually listening to loud rock music to mask my sense of. utter failure and disappointment and negativtity so like. sure i mean what else am i supposed to do. i physically cannot cry anymore. hehe =) 
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