skzzzdream

the last two posts i made on here were rather depressing.
          	
          	if anyone sees this, things did get better. it’s not perfect, but there’s not the overwhelming pain and hopelessness. having the fortune to be away from home and actually be able to open up and make friends made a huge difference. i don’t know what kind of situation you’re in, and i know people don’t ever really take up on the offer, but if you wanna talk about anything, i’m here.
          	
          	or maybe if you have advice or encouragement anyone reading, that would be nice to post? even if it’s not huge, it’s always surprising what little things snowball and make a difference
          	
          	
          	
          	(i also wanted to say i’m really sorry for not going through with my promises and keeping up with stories and messaging and the like. my wifi situation will be better in a week, and i’ll have a lot of time to read your stories then. i hope you’re all doing well :(( )

skzzzdream

the last two posts i made on here were rather depressing.
          
          if anyone sees this, things did get better. it’s not perfect, but there’s not the overwhelming pain and hopelessness. having the fortune to be away from home and actually be able to open up and make friends made a huge difference. i don’t know what kind of situation you’re in, and i know people don’t ever really take up on the offer, but if you wanna talk about anything, i’m here.
          
          or maybe if you have advice or encouragement anyone reading, that would be nice to post? even if it’s not huge, it’s always surprising what little things snowball and make a difference
          
          
          
          (i also wanted to say i’m really sorry for not going through with my promises and keeping up with stories and messaging and the like. my wifi situation will be better in a week, and i’ll have a lot of time to read your stories then. i hope you’re all doing well :(( )

skzzzdream

the only reason why i'm posting this is because it just really hurts keeping things inside, you don't have to read
          
          // mental illness ramblings, mention of abuse
          
          
          it's been over a year since i've made a completed work in writing. i've been trying to get back into it, but writing is so often just a reminder of how bad of an effect emotional neglect and abuse has. like trying to create complex characters and worlds has been really painful because i don't really talk to anyone or leave my room (i’m honestly embarrassed to admit to being so pathetic). so i have nothing to go off of (other than my imagination and even that's a reminder of what's not real)
          
          i have attempted to start drawing again. i would love to join art/fanfic twitter (maybe love is a strong word lol, twt can be a cesspool but there are some funny and v kind people) but i also know that i'll constantly be comparing myself. (internalized ageism also really has me in a chokehold)
          
          i've been trying to put less value in talents and trying to be happy with mediocrity if what i do poorly still makes me happy.

just-leoleoleo

@ skzzzdream  you're so nice omg I'm gonna cry
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skzzzdream

@just-myself-leo i'm so sorry, i just saw this! thank you so much for the sweet message :'((( things honestly have gotten a bit better recently! it's slow going but you're right, it's important to take your time
            i hope you take that advice for yourself too. i hope you're proud of whatever makes you happy and taking care of yourself <3 or at least if things aren't okay right now, i hope that they'll get better soon
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just-leoleoleo

@ skzzzdream  hey it's ok to feel like this, you're not pathetic at all, idek you, but ik that you're trying and I think that we are all proud of you, take your time, try to figure out what you want to do and who you wanna be, and don't forget to drink water <3
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skzzzdream

It's strange remembering that I used to write pretty much every day and had a ton of different project ideas. Now it's just easier to consume media than to create it as a form of escapism. 
          
          // su*cide 
          
          I don't think anyone is lazy for wanting being happy to be easy and it's not selfish to want to escape pain. I'm not encouraging self harm, I just wish people had an ounce of compassion for people with self-destructive compulsions.

StayKimSky

@skzzzdream that's also the conclusion that I've come to: that i can only try to help and hope it does something
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skzzzdream

@StayKimSky It is kind of strange how we don't think it matters if we kill ourselves but we're so distressed when other people want to. 
            
            I am very sorry about the pain you're in, both for your own situation and the pain you feel for others. I really care about your wellbeing, but I understand that it doesn't take all your pain away. I hope you know that I'm glad you exist and I hope someday you'll want to exist for yourself too. 
            
            Idk if I would call it a right to be self-destructive, but yeah it's definitely a manifestation of pain :((
            
            It is really awful feeling helpless. It's really hard to believe but it's okay to not know what to do. I guess we can't fix anyone's problems but maybe we can ease the pain for just a little bit. 
            
            I can see both sides - it definitely feels like selfish in wanting to keep suicidal people alive, and there's a lot of resentment when people just want to die and not be in pain. 
            
            I don't think it's necessarily selfish because it's also because you see more hope in their future than they can and want them to be happy alive.
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StayKimSky

@skzzzdream I do understand that but for me there’s this compulsion that if I hear someone else talking about suicide, I just…kind of freak out. I’m not sure how to explain the feeling beyond the word dread. Of course to me it doesn’t matter if I suicide, but I can’t let that happen to other people. It does make me feel selfish though for not letting people relieve their pain when I feel like I could relieve mine just as easily. It’s hard even though I know people have the right to be self-destructive and that there emotions are valid and that seems like the easiest way to deal with things and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to get better. But it’s scary. When someone talks to about self-harm or suicide, especially someone close, my throat will get dry and I will cry eventually. Then I try helping but I’ve already made them feel guilty for telling me and i k ow that nothing I say can make them feel better. I hate being helpless but I know that I can’t do anything to help. It’s not selfish to want to relieve pain, rather it’s selfish to stop people from doing it because you don’t want them to leave you and I feel really bad for that. 
            
            Of course, I’ve always known this, but your post really helped open my eyes to a somewhat recent situation. Thank you for that :)
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skzzzdream

i wanted to announce that this is the end of camboy. i’m really sorry that i said otherwise before, but i seriously doubt that i’m going to write another chapter :(
          
          i’ve been working on another piece that’s honestly so much better, i'm vv proud of it. the first chapters probably won’t be up until the new year.
          
          i’m gonna ask for feedback on that later, but for now, i just wanted to say thank you for all the love that you showed my books <3

skzzzdream

this message may be offensive
People seemed to really find comfort in this section from camboy so I thought I'd post it here :)
          
          "Obligatory note to say that you don't owe anyone nudes or sex or anything, and you don't need to do those things to make someone love you or stay with you. It's okay for people to want to show their love in intimate ways, but they need to respect you if you're not comfortable with it."
          
          On a related note, it's interesting how people both feel like sex takes away from their value ("whore" "slut") and also feels like it adds to their value in a toxic way ("I've fucked more bitches than you"). Having or not having sex isn't the problem, the way it's viewed is.

jansvparadox

@skzzzdream thank you for posting this <3
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skzzzdream

i'm rewriting "die for you" and i'm digusted that past me used the word smirk excessively like some mf wattpad stereotype. and now i'm barely into the second chapter and cringing, i had no ability to develop the scene or create relationships with side characters, why did people like this shiat

hanarienne

@skzzzdream don't be sorry! Take your time :3
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skzzzdream

@hanarienne agsfhsgshdh oh no im sorry, the first few chapters will be up soon!
            and tysm, same to you! >.< ♡
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skzzzdream

@yongbox i liked a little crazy, it’s weird knowing you don’t like your writing :’) but i think that’s good bc it means you grew as a writer
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skzzzdream

i’m just started working on a story that i haven’t updated in six months, how did the time go by so fast?
          
          i highkey feel bad for the people who wanted an update, but it’s been so long they’ve probably forgotten about this lol

skzzzdream

this message may be offensive
i’m literally not joking when i say that this piece took me out of depression, this is a fucking masterpiece
          
          it’s called “all the small things” by ilovegoats123 on archive of our own
          
          https://archiveofourown.org/works/33257347?view_adult=true
          
          this story was just so human. i love how the characters were morally gray and how you could really understand their motivations and how complex their relationships are and how real the world is and ughhhhsjskakskdks i’m so angry that i don’t have the words to express what this made me feel
          
          it made me view change in a better way and it made the future seem less scary and like there’s hope throughout all the messiness and that messiness is why makes life beautiful
          
          maybe i’m being too cheesy but at the very least, it’s a very well executed story and i 10/10 recommend reading 
           

skzzzdream

ao3 reccs (these are a lot to read so you could just bookmark them)
          
          
          i highly recommend requesting an archiveofourown account right now because it'll take a while for you to reach the top of the wait list. make sure to check all of your inboxes for the invite :)
          
          
          I think these are all minsung fics lmao, some of them were written for minsung trope bingo on twt. 
          
          
          i had to delete the links because it wouldn't post with them, so message me and i can dm the whole list with links to you :)
          
          
          
          Fake dating au and now they have feelings
          
          a play called pretend by glissandos
          
          yule shoot your eye out by heaveninbusan
          
          
          
          Best friends but now they have feelings (lots of conflict)
          
          You Were Beautiful by say_das_name
          
          
          
          fwb but now they have (secret?) feelings 
          
          done up & fixed on by doongi
          
          set the tone (it’s just me and you alone) by heaveninbusan 
          
          Spare me the Details by say_das_name
          
          
          
          Confession of love at after elimination
          
          So I drown it Out by say_das_name
          
          
          
          This is an intricate plot with a twist at the end and the angst?? It hurts so good
          
          After the Rain by bitsori
          
          
          
          Cute short stories
          
          Him to know and Stays to find out by say_das_name
          
          While in my arms by say_das_name 
          
          Wrapped up with you by say_das_name
          
          First Snow by say_das_name