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Metal_Manikin commented on The Taking [SAMPLE] - Chapter 3

It it just me or am I missing a page? This chapter only has four pages and ends on, "I'm sorry about your dad." I'm not seeing the jump/connection between chapter 3 & 4 where it starts with her say talking about being a deer in head lights. However besides that I really like this idea and think the story is great so far.

I think this story is very interesting, so far it seems different. I like how this is going so far. That guy Kaleb is definitely coming off as psychopath and I find it oddly amusing. Krista's very interesting, I like her personality and humors thinking. I do have one criticism though, if a psycho is chasing you and you blockaded the door, would the first thing you do right afterward be to flop on a bed or wash your face? I know I wouldn't, I would find more stuff to block the door or trying to find an escape route i.e. window or try to find a weapon for selfdefense or perhaps a telephone to call for help. That door can only hold for so long as barrier between you and a psycho before he brings something like an ax or a chainsaw to bring it down or calls for reinforcement to push his way through.

Okay the next thing in this chapter is that I noticed is that sometimes your sentences are longer then they have to be. Thats not always a bad thing, but it can be if it messes with flow of the story, is interruptive, and makes it look choppy. When I look at some of your sentences, I noticed if you switched the word structure around a bit or used different words that mean the same thing, you can take out some of the unnecessary words and make the sentence sound simpler and sweeter. Sometimes in your sentences some of those unnecessary words will sometimes state the obvious of which we already know and isn't needed. Which brings me to partially to my next point. The 'I thought' phrase. I feel as if you are using it mostly incorrectly by putting it in the wrong places. We are already in your characters head in first person, so you are already displaying his thoughts to us and the 'I thought' thats thrown in some of the sentences aren't necessary. Also there are different ways to show thoughts if it's that important. 1. You can put the words in italics and then add the 'I thought'. or 2. you can put single apostrophes around the sentence and add the 'I thought' or for either 1 or 2, not even add the 'I thought'. 
      There are few other things I would also give you critic on, but I have way overpassed the word limit, so I will stop here. If you want more you can always message me. I always happy to help someone who wants to improve. Anyways, happy writings. :)

I'm sure you have improved your writing since this chapter, but just in case you didn't notice some faults in this chapter and possibly your writing, I'm going to point them out to you anyway.
       I noticed that you sometimes have a problem distinguishing when you should be using past tense and present tense when writing. I have seen that you are often using present tense in places where you should be using past tense. An example would be when Matt is reminiscing and talking about how he was a disappointment to his father in the past. You wrote, 'When I was young, I AM nothing but a disappointment to my father'. There you should have wrote, 'When I was young, I WAS nothing but a disappointment to my father', because he's talking about the past it should be in past tense, it is event that had already occurred. If you read both of those sentences aloud, you will see that the one with AM sounds a bit funny and the one with WAS sounds a lot smother. Also another thing you need to make sure you do, is that when you start a sentence in past tense, make sure you continue using past tense and not to switch to present tense.