Intervention

Intervention

65 Reads 14 Votes 1 Part Story
Mattias By TechieInAK Completed

When Tim is sent on a mission to save the Earth from a bleak future, he's convinced that he will be greeted as a savior. Little does he know that the world he is intent on saving is not interested in his solutions and as the end draws near, he finds himself in a position where his own survival is in question. 

** Originally written for a sci-fi writing challenge. As of 3/2/17, I have decided to continue the story. I'm currently in the process of writing it and expect to start posting chapters within a few weeks. **

Cover image originally from NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center, used under Creative Commons 2.0.

katycage katycage Jun 02
These last two paragraphs are a bit of an info dump. I understand that was kind of necessary because it started as a short story. But if you plan on expanding it into a novel, or even just a longer short story, then I'd suggest sprinkling all of this info throughout a couple chapters.
gavin_w gavin_w May 10
If you put a comment after air, it would add more emphasis to the rest of the sentence and help with the flow!
katycage katycage Jun 02
A little grammar mishap here. I'm sure you know how to fix it. :)
A small adjustment, but consider rephrasing so that you only use the word 'mind' once.
gavin_w gavin_w May 10
This is an effective use of shorter, sharper sentences. It really puts emphasis on what's happening!
Nice hook. The closest thing to a flaw is his somewhat mild reaction to losing a life-saving device in such a careless way, but it's about fifteen seconds before he gets saved so I guess it never really gets the chance to sink in.