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Jacklyn By Jacklyn Updated 5 days ago

"Don't be scared my child. I am not here to hurt you." His voice was like honey that dripped from the nectar of the sweetest flower. It calmed and reassured her, yet it disturbed her at the same time.
  "What do you want?" Luxor held her hand against her eyes, and squinted into the glow, her voice too calm. She knew what he wanted but she always asked, hoping one day he would say something different.
  "You of course." His silken voice cooed. 
  "Why?" Luxor whispered, trying to hide the tremors. 
  His voice growled, deep as a stone. "Because you are mine." The Earth shook, lightening strikes through the sky, and hitting branches, making them tumble. 
  The last thing sixteen-year-old Luxor Everstone expects when waking up from a coma is to be accused with the attempted murder of her best friend, that she has no recollection of. Strange blue markings snake up her arms, her eyes now a vibrant aqua. 
  Forced to move to a strange new town in the middle of nowhere, strange people surround her. One of them is an arrogant, egotistical, and dangerous bad boy, with enchanting toffee coloured eyes. 
  A connection draws her to him, and sparks fly. She wants to stay away, but he has the power to get what he wants.
  And he wants Luxor.
  But he isn't the only one. Almost nightly a faceless man enters her dreams who wants to claim her, and as much as she wants to run, she can't escape. 
  All she knows is her living nightmare has just begun.
  *Will contain characters who you don't know whether to kiss or kill, with filthy minds and even filthier mouths. If easily offended, don't say I didn't warn you! 
  Buckle up and enjoy the ride! 
   HIGHEST RANKING #11 in Paranormal 25/4/2017

ZonderZorg ZonderZorg 18 hours ago
 #NBR — I agree with @black_hole_survivor on the repeat of 'door'. Suggest 'and clawed at its wood'.
ZonderZorg ZonderZorg 16 hours ago
 #NBR — Passive 'was released' Suggest something stronger, such as 'Meredith released a strangled cry...'.
                              I agree with @MinaParkse on the strangeness of 'pooled'.
JoyNelson480 JoyNelson480 12 hours ago
 #NBR the last sentence is awkward. Should it be "though" instead of "through"? Even at that, though, it is the reflection in the glass that is conveying part of her feelings, not the glass itself.
JoyNelson480 JoyNelson480 12 hours ago
 #NBR the second sentence needs a bit of work.  For a quick fix, you could just say "was" between "pain" and "severe."
ZonderZorg ZonderZorg 17 hours ago
 #NBR — 'lifted Amy's dress up over...' would read better. 'A pool of blood' is strange here. Possibly 'Blood had blotched the front...'.
                              I agree with @black_hole_survivor on the timing of the blood.
ZonderZorg ZonderZorg 16 hours ago
 #NBR — You've repeated 'bag' in the first sentence.
                              How do we know Meridith realised? You need to show this, not tell it, otherwise, you're switching POV.