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The Cities Lay In Ruin

The Cities Lay In Ruin

857 Reads 114 Votes 6 Part Story
Vphan By quiarahb Updated Jul 02, 2016

"The scroll and the lever will open the pass together..." Those were the words elf orphan, Zeno, heard in the niche behind the waterfalls. 

When Zeno bites into a piece of bread given to her by an old beggar woman who's been trailing her,  Zeno finds an ancient coin of the elven mages long killed off by the Darkthreal Queen. Even stranger, Revien, an Earth Mage, emerges from the coin and tells Zeno he is there to serve only her, and that she's the way to finding and unlocking the pieces to some lost crown.

Strangest of all is the scroll Zeno must eat to reveal a cryptic message:

Captured I am in a castle afar
Find all five keys to unlock every piece
Assemble them rightly
Bare the cross to free me
 
But why her?

To find that out, Zeno must join her first companion, Revien, and her protector, Faely'n, to seek the first key to the first cross piece of the crown located somewhere in the first destroyed city of Aairra. It's a journey just to get there, and only the halo of light glowing from her hands can help guide her.

But Zeno faces an even deadlier fate--she's been poisoned by the Queen's reapers, and it's slowly eating her away to nothing. Arriving at Aairra is only half the battle. 

Finding a cure to keep Zeno alive means everything.



And my amazingly beautiful book cover is dedicated to @writtenbycats!! Thanks so much for listening and making necessary changes, while creating such loveliness! I really appreciate all you have done!

AnonymousLifeofLies AnonymousLifeofLies Jun 10, 2016
The beginning, especially how clueless she is except for that moment and her surrounding is nicely played out
JasonTemple JasonTemple Jun 25, 2016
Very interesting idea opening on something not so pleasant. It really works though.
AnonymousLifeofLies AnonymousLifeofLies Jun 10, 2016
The first line of some of your paras rhymes whether intentionally or unintentionally. But that is really cool :
hiraethia hiraethia Jul 17, 2016
ok I was just going to leave one overall comment though I am already breaking that resolve. I absolutely need to express how much I love this opening, the imagery is great and it works so well for the start!
AnonymousLifeofLies AnonymousLifeofLies Jun 10, 2016
Swallowing hard, she held it at bay.
                              
                              Perhaps its the overall tense structure of the paragraph but I thought it would be better if you wrote, 
                              
                              She swallowed hard to hold it at bay,
Rawiya13 Rawiya13 Jul 08, 2016
Great job. I couldn't find anything really to critique. The details were wonderful and showing details. You kept consistent with information, and drew me in with the first few paragraphs. I am curious enough to keep reading. Fantastic job