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Playing a love game with Mr. Player

Playing a love game with Mr. Player

71.5K Reads 1.1K Votes 18 Part Story
ellabella201 By ellabella201 Completed

Danielle Summers and Devin Hall have hated eachother since the eighth grade. They are now in their junior year of high school. Their parents are leaving for a 6 month buisness trip and they are forced to live with eachother. Along with devin's best friend and Danielle's brother Justin, Danielle's best friend and Devin's sister Jess, and Danielle's cousin Mel. This is going to be one interesting 6 months. To them love is not an option.

ellabella201 ellabella201 Aug 25, 2012
@Puddle_of_Mudd I cant seem to find an editor, but i'll keep trying! I'm glad you like the story and the characters! :D
                              @hgames113 Sorry! :/
hgames113 hgames113 Aug 25, 2012
man! im sry. i want to read, im sure its a great story in all, but it hurts my head! to MUCH CAPITAL LETTERS! to many exclamation marks!!!! and too much dialogue. it seem like a great story, a great topic. but its so confusing!
beautyatwork beautyatwork Aug 21, 2012
OH, and also avoid switching Point of views within the same chapter. I ruins the tone of the story and sometimes confuses the readers. (: Just a suggestion though.
beautyatwork beautyatwork Aug 21, 2012
This is really good. I would only suggest italicizing sentences instead of fully capitalizing them, as it looks unprofessional. Also only use one question mark/exclamation point. It looks unprofessional as well and one gives the same amount of emphasis. Overall, good read and good chapter.
amysousa amysousa Nov 09, 2011
The concept is really interesting but I think you should make it go at a slower pace and add way more description into it like actions, emotions, expressions, ect. Other than that this is good :)!
ellabella201 ellabella201 Oct 29, 2011
ummm heres my story! its also on quizilla, i hope you like it :) oh and comment