Denied by River (ON HOLD)

Denied by River (ON HOLD)

10.9K Reads 568 Votes 9 Part Story
bunns By jursey Updated May 25

Elena never imagined her first day at an internship to be something along the lines of spilling coffee on her new boss and then unknowingly walking in on an important meeting with a simple problem that is 'the copier is jammed'. 

  River was just the charming CEO who was also an Alpha Male, leading a pack and hunting at night, not falling for human teenagers. But he can't deny the feelings he has for Elena, the human girl. 

How long can he deny her?



✦✦✦


All Rights Reserved 
@Jursey

start:3/19/16
end:

6/10
                              
                              It's pretty good, except that it's in italic's the whole time, and that made me a bit dizzy.
astralnaut astralnaut May 21
7.5/10! the fact that the whole chapter is in italics is a little jarring, but it is the prologue and presumably a flashback.... so it's still okay.
The personalities of all the characters have been established pretty well so far. And, I quite like Elena. This also has a sweet amount of humor, so it was fun to read. :)
Since you've off to present tense from these lines. You should switch to present tense. Or if you want past "Loud voices came from around the coffee shop" will be good.
6/10
                              There are some places where you misused commas but that could all be fixed in a thorough read through of your chapter/s. You've done a good job at introducing your MC and her life right now. Another thing that I noticed is that you do a lot of telling and not enough showing.
astralnaut astralnaut May 21
9/10! I REALLY love her narrative and her little idiosyncrasies.