I'm dyeing because of you

I'm dyeing because of you

10 Part Story 8.8K Reads 62 Votes
shannfarrell1 By shannfarrell1 Updated Jan 14, 2012

"Lily tell me please just tell me” 
“I can’t” 
“why please just tell me” 
“I can’t” 
 “Lily please tells me what’s happening to you? Tell me?” 
“I can’t… you won’t understand” 
“Understand what, just tell me?” 
"you’re killing me”
“I’m just trying to help…” 
“No that’s not what I meant, I’m dying and you’re the reason why”

RerunRandi RerunRandi May 17, 2012 05:13PM
a few spelling errors, im still trying to figure out the 'She cracked it,' when she sat up so fast...
CassHayden CassHayden May 17, 2012 01:56AM
uhhhhmmm. There's this thing. Its called punctuation. Your 'paragraphs' are like giant run on sentences. Please fix it,  because from what i could read of the first pages it (the plot) seems really good.
LadySyn1 LadySyn1 May 16, 2012 02:44PM
Sighs, was hoping you had listened to me about paragraphs. Also needs quite a bit of work. Delete sadly.
you really need to space out your paragraphs, its kinda hard to read. But its really interesting.
shannfarrell1 shannfarrell1 Oct 10, 2011 05:06AM
ok i didn't think of that because it wasn't confusing for me but i was writing it. thanks
Chryss Chryss Oct 09, 2011 05:11PM
I like it so far, but could you use periods? It's kinda confusing.