GUMMY BEAR (The Days I'll Spend With You IDA...
It was another dream.
So it seems.
Slowly I wake, for real this time and scan my surroundings, as usual nothing has changed, the beeping of the machine connected to her, supporting her life, her limp ill looking body still lies in front of me. Looking lifeless, as usual the mere sight of it makes me sick, threatening another episode of hysterical cry from me, but I'm all drained of tears, I'm so tired my body aches, everything ache all over. It is borderline torture. Nothing is worse than this, this is the worse nightmare imaginable.
I remember the very vivid dream I have before I wake, the feeling of her fingers brushing against my scalp, whispering her old endearment "claceypoo", oh how I wish they were real. I thought it was, I was startled awake--in the dream, how twisted was that? And then I wake and everything was just a ... christ.
I wish all this is just a goddamn nightmare ... if it is, please wake me up dear god.
I close my eyes briefly, my body giving out despite the fact that I just woke up, I rest my elbow on the mattress and sigh heavily, my breathing shakes from the tightness of my chest.
And once again my prayer begins ...
When will you wake baby?
Please stop punishing me. Please wake up, please wake up and hate me, beat me to pulp like I deserve, Just please wake up, I can't do this anymore, The pain, it's slowly and surely Killing me. Loise baby ... please.
I mantra, these prayers are my automatic thoughts every day, every time I wake up, it's becoming a pattern. It's exhausting.
It's been more than two weeks, when will she wake up? When will I be able to see her eyes again? Her eyes that I long the most? How I missed her, oh god, please ... let her punish me while she's awake and alive and well, please I'll give anything.
Even my life.