Fat Vampire

Fat Vampire

762K Reads 16.6K Votes 27 Part Story
Johnny B. Truant By johnnybtruant Completed

When overweight treadmill salesman Reginald Baskin finally meets a co-worker who doesn't make fun of him, it's just his own bad luck that tech guy Maurice turns out to be a two thousand-year-old vampire.

And when Maurice turns Reginald to save his life, it's just Reginald's own further bad luck that he wakes up to discover he's become the slowest, weakest, most out-of-shape vampire ever born, doomed to "heal" to his corpulent self for all of eternity.

As Reginald struggles with the downsides of being a fat vampire -- too slow to catch people to feed on, mocked by those he tries to glamour, assaulted by his intended prey and left for undead -- he discovers in himself rare powers that few vampires have… and just in time too, because the Vampire Council might just want his head for being an inferior representative of their race.

Fat Vampire is the story of an unlikely hero who, after having an imperfect eternity shoved into his grease-stained hands, must learn to turn the afterlife's lemons into tasty lemon danishes.

  • dark
  • funny
  • horror
  • occult
  • self-acceptance
  • twisted
  • vampire
EmoPotatoQueen EmoPotatoQueen Mar 27, 2017
you know I thought that about three years ago too now look at me
famous7author famous7author May 05, 2017
But how did you pay? That's what they don't teach you in school, that's what I wanna know!
ecdunn ecdunn May 15
But also all I can think about is “The Joker” by the Steve Miller Band
famous7author famous7author May 05, 2017
Rebutting? Is that a pun or is it just me who notices the joke?
EmoPotatoQueen EmoPotatoQueen Mar 27, 2017
honestly is he sure he isn't gay like I respect his life choices and how he wants to identify but... foreshadowing much?
EmoPotatoQueen EmoPotatoQueen Mar 27, 2017
so... you're stalking him... and then making fun of him... because you invaded his privacy...