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Can I Breathe Yet? (GirlxGirl) COMPLETED

Can I Breathe Yet? (GirlxGirl) COMPLETED

57.3K Reads 2.2K Votes 26 Part Story
Sabrina Spicer By SabrinaSpicer7 Completed

'Dear Diary,

                      Today is the fifth year anniversary of my little brothers death. Today is the fifth year anniversary of my parents blaming me and only me. Today is the first day of school, and guess who gets to go in black and blue? Me.'

Spencer is your average teenager at high school. She has a large amount of friends, she's captain of several clubs in school, and is an A grade student. She's liked by everyone and voted student council. Well at least that's her school life. At home, Spencer is seen as the killer of her little brother Jonni, even though it was her parents in the crash and not her. Spencer's parents have made sure she never forgets the death of Jonni, but how much can Spencer take before every breath has finally come to an end? Will Spencer get to breathe again? Or will she spend her last breath looking at her ungrateful parents?

CONTAINS GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, GRAPHIC SCENES, AND COURSE LANGUAGE! IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THESE KINDS OF THINGS THEN PLEASE DO NOT READ MY BOOK! THIS BOOK ALSO CONTAINS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR AND GIRLxGIRL ROMANCE!

I WILL KILL HIM! THE HIT LIST HAS BEEN STARTED!😠😠😠😠😠
KellyAmy96 KellyAmy96 Sep 18, 2016
Oh my God!  I can't believe the mom had the dad rape her!  This story is messed up. I like it already!
GeCAMREN GeCAMREN Sep 02, 2016
Damn that's... really hard to read. The end of the chapter, I mean.
ssweet-lovee ssweet-lovee Nov 16, 2016
Oh god I might not be able to continue 😭great story so far tho
DreamsUnderStarlight DreamsUnderStarlight Jan 23, 2016
Here,  'She told me,  as I smiled softly.'  You have three choices: Drop the comma; replace the comma with a semicolon and drop 'as' -  or rewrite it: she told me and I smiled softly. 
                              
                              Also,  you would capitalize 'she' as the previous sentenced wasn't ended with a period. :)
DreamsUnderStarlight DreamsUnderStarlight Jan 23, 2016
Your use of "as I" makes the sentences stitled and breaks the  flow of the narrative.  Instead of doing that,  just make a new sentence.  It's okay to have a sentence of only a few words as long as it makes sense. And try to cut down on the use of commas a tiny bit in the narratives she relates.