Death by Haggis

Death by Haggis

7.5K Reads 216 Votes 8 Part Story
Jay Cutts By jcutts Updated Apr 07, 2016

An Amazon Breakthrough Novel Quarterfinalist, Death by Haggis is a tongue in cheek detective novel inspired by the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for the "opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." 

Until the day Jane Hamchester walked into his squalid office, the highlight of Detective Sam Barlow's life had been a particularly good tuna sandwich. Now he is charged with trying to save the life of the only woman he ever, uhm, thought was really swell. His only problem is that there are no clues, other than the nonsensical utterances of a dying man. 

Barlow's desperate search takes him first to Scotland and then to the Aegean. But time is running out. Not only for Jane but for the human race. Barlow's only possible hope lies at the bottom of an ancient cavern, a remnant from the time when a different kind of human populated the Earth, a kind of human that could have saved mankind. Alas, they are long extinct. Or are they?

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Death By Haggis: What people are saying ...
 
"What are you staring at?"
Chelsea Pennybaker
 
"Jay Cutts does for fiction what Dave Barry does for gourmet cooking."
St. Louis Blues Dispatch

 "What more compelling metaphor for life itself could there be than a mysterious white leviathan and the mindless drive of a nearly ruined sea captain to track it down and destroy it?  Oh, wait.  You mean this book?"
Denver Postit

"This is one of those books that you know immediately could be an instant classic if millions of people all bought it and liked it and it got a lot of publicity and then they made a movie out of it."
George W. Bush

"The humor of Edgar Alan Poe, the refined taste of William S. Bourroughs, the punctuation of e.e. cummings.  This work contains it all, but I forget on which page."
The Milwaukee Braves

"If Jay Cutts is not yet [in] an institution, he should be, and soon."
Better Homes and Gargoyles

"Cut it out, will ya."
Chelsea Pennybaker

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  • detective
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  • fantasy
  • featured
  • fforde
  • funny
  • gaiman
  • greece
  • humor
  • noir
  • pratchett
  • sci-fi
  • scotland
  • scottish
  • tongue-in-cheek
I beg to differ...I've seen hyenas kill an elephant...they in fact didn't wait for the baby elephant to die; they attacked it and starting biting chunks out of it while it was fending them off...
jcutts jcutts Dec 16, 2016
Please let me know what you think so far. Your comments keep me writing!!! Thanks :) - Jay
I beg to differ...I've seen hyenas kill an elephant...they in fact didn't wait for the baby elephant to die; they attacked it and starting biting chunks out of it while it was fending them off...
WilsonGill WilsonGill Oct 20, 2015
A fun piece. I knew what was coming when I read "your fiend, Dassit Fernow" at the end of the e-mail. 
                              How did you acquire such wonderful reviews?
                              Voted.
KevinGebhard KevinGebhard Oct 19, 2015
Great fun, Jay, you set the hook. I'm wondering if the reference to pruning shears for trimming cluttered prose and the need for a story line came as the result of reading too much Wattpad.
MiltonMarmalade MiltonMarmalade Oct 19, 2015
The reviews alone deserve a star. As one of my followers so aptly put it, 'you're quite mad.' And all the better for it.