Losielette And the Boy With The Mechanical Heart (Watty2015)

63 Part Story 209K Reads 6.2K Votes
Danni Allan By x_Luminous_x Updated 3 days ago
Losielette is a quiet girl living in 1924, whose life is comfortable, yet dull. That is, until she's kidnapped by a rogue time traveller  on the night of her wedding.
    Her captor is a dark-haired, wild looking boy with eyes like ice, and a personality to match. He's ruthless, stubborn, does what ever he pleases, and will stop at nothing to try and break Losielette's spirits.
    The only thing she knows about him? He's on the run from the law and faces a possible death sentence if he's caught. He refuses to tell her even what his real name is. 
    When she finds herself pulled into his life of crime, her life becomes chaotically action packed. Accompanied by a pink-haired girl, and a boy so handsome he can hypnotize people with his looks, the four of them travel through the plains of time, running from whoever wants her kidnapper dead.
    But how can she see cope with travelling hundreds of years in the future which she should have never lived to see?
    
    Current cover by @weeknder
I want to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this chapter. Losielette is wonderfully engaging, and you jumped right into the action, pulling the reader along. I thought the pacing and flow were great, and your voice is strong and unique. I can't wait to read more.
                                    
                                    That being said, you asked for criticism, and there are some things you might want to consider. I'm only a chapter in, so you may explain some of it later, but I didn't want to forget anything. 
                                    
                                    A few grammar mistakes, especially regarding omitted apostrophes for possessives (e.g. her mother’s tears, not her mothers tears). You also have a few typos, such as a missing space on the second page (“Charles’ body language attacked Losielette”), missing spaces before  new sentences, and typos on the 4th paragraph from the bottom of the 4th page and in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd page. Like I said, minor stuff, but distractions can pull readers out of a story.
                                    
                                    While I like the name Losielette (how do you pronounce it, exactly?), a name that unusual requires backstory/explanation. You seem to be working with a true-to-life version of history (WWI, etc), and this isn’t a historically normal name. 
                                    
                                    Didn’t she ever speak up about her disinclination for the arranged marriage to Charles or his parents? It seems hard to believe none of them are interested in her feelings, since Charles’ family is richer and more influential than Losielette’s (presumably he could find someone who’d be grateful to marry him for money). 
                                    
                                    Why did Losielette leave during the war, since Scotland itself wasn’t a battle site? Where did she go?
                                    
                                    While I think you handled Charles’ attempted rape in a believable way,  he appeared out of nowhere in a terrible part of town (somewhere he’d need a reason to be, since he’s rich). Instead of saying she’s totally alone, maybe you should say she didn’t notice the only other person around? There are a number of ways you could handle it, but I do feel it needs a slight mention of explanation.
I want to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this chapter. Losielette is wonderfully engaging, and you jumped right into the action, pulling the reader along. I thought the pacing and flow were great, and your voice is strong and unique. I can't wait to read more.
                                    
                                    That being said, you asked for criticism, and there are some things you might want to consider. I'm only a chapter in, so you may explain some of it later, but I didn't want to forget anything. 
                                    
                                    A few grammar mistakes, especially regarding omitted apostrophes for possessives (e.g. her mother’s tears, not her mothers tears). You also have a few typos, such as a missing space on the second page (“Charles’ body language attacked Losielette”), missing spaces before  new sentences, and typos on the 4th paragraph from the bottom of the 4th page and in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd page. Like I said, minor stuff, but distractions can pull readers out of a story.
                                    
                                    While I like the name Losielette (how do you pronounce it, exactly?), a name that unusual requires backstory/explanation. You seem to be working with a true-to-life version of history (WWI, etc), and this isn’t a historically normal name. 
                                    
                                    Didn’t she ever speak up about her disinclination for the arranged marriage to Charles or his parents? It seems hard to believe none of them are interested in her feelings, since Charles’ family is richer and more influential than Losielette’s (presumably he could find someone who’d be grateful to marry him for money). 
                                    
                                    Why did Losielette leave during the war, since Scotland itself wasn’t a battle site? Where did she go?
                                    
                                    While I think you handled Charles’ attempted rape in a believable way,  he appeared out of nowhere in a terrible part of town (somewhere he’d need a reason to be, since he’s rich). Instead of saying she’s totally alone, maybe you should say she didn’t notice the only other person around? There are a number of ways you could handle it, but I do feel it needs a slight mention of explanation.
I want to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this chapter. Losielette is wonderfully engaging, and you jumped right into the action, pulling the reader along. I thought the pacing and flow were great, and your voice is strong and unique. I can't wait to read more.
                                    
                                    That being said, you asked for criticism, and there are some things you might want to consider. I'm only a chapter in, so you may explain some of it later, but I didn't want to forget anything. 
                                    
                                    A few grammar mistakes, especially regarding omitted apostrophes for possessives (e.g. her mother’s tears, not her mothers tears). You also have a few typos, such as a missing space on the second page (“Charles’ body language attacked Losielette”), missing spaces before  new sentences, and typos on the 4th paragraph from the bottom of the 4th page and in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd page. Like I said, minor stuff, but distractions can pull readers out of a story.
                                    
                                    While I like the name Losielette (how do you pronounce it, exactly?), a name that unusual requires backstory/explanation. You seem to be working with a true-to-life version of history (WWI, etc), and this isn’t a historically normal name. 
                                    
                                    Didn’t she ever speak up about her disinclination for the arranged marriage to Charles or his parents? It seems hard to believe none of them are interested in her feelings, since Charles’ family is richer and more influential than Losielette’s (presumably he could find someone who’d be grateful to marry him for money). 
                                    
                                    Why did Losielette leave during the war, since Scotland itself wasn’t a battle site? Where did she go?
                                    
                                    While I think you handled Charles’ attempted rape in a believable way,  he appeared out of nowhere in a terrible part of town (somewhere he’d need a reason to be, since he’s rich). Instead of saying she’s totally alone, maybe you should say she didn’t notice the only other person around? There are a number of ways you could handle it, but I do feel it needs a slight mention of explanation.
I want to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this chapter. Losielette is wonderfully engaging, and you jumped right into the action, pulling the reader along. I thought the pacing and flow were great, and your voice is strong and unique. I can't wait to read more.
                                    
                                    That being said, you asked for criticism, and there are some things you might want to consider. I'm only a chapter in, so you may explain some of it later, but I didn't want to forget anything. 
                                    
                                    A few grammar mistakes, especially regarding omitted apostrophes for possessives (e.g. her mother’s tears, not her mothers tears). You also have a few typos, such as a missing space on the second page (“Charles’ body language attacked Losielette”), missing spaces before  new sentences, and typos on the 4th paragraph from the bottom of the 4th page and in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd page. Like I said, minor stuff, but distractions can pull readers out of a story.
                                    
                                    While I like the name Losielette (how do you pronounce it, exactly?), a name that unusual requires backstory/explanation. You seem to be working with a true-to-life version of history (WWI, etc), and this isn’t a historically normal name. 
                                    
                                    Didn’t she ever speak up about her disinclination for the arranged marriage to Charles or his parents? It seems hard to believe none of them are interested in her feelings, since Charles’ family is richer and more influential than Losielette’s (presumably he could find someone who’d be grateful to marry him for money). 
                                    
                                    Why did Losielette leave during the war, since Scotland itself wasn’t a battle site? Where did she go?
                                    
                                    While I think you handled Charles’ attempted rape in a believable way,  he appeared out of nowhere in a terrible part of town (somewhere he’d need a reason to be, since he’s rich). Instead of saying she’s totally alone, maybe you should say she didn’t notice the only other person around? There are a number of ways you could handle it, but I do feel it needs a slight mention of explanation.
I want to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this chapter. Losielette is wonderfully engaging, and you jumped right into the action, pulling the reader along. I thought the pacing and flow were great, and your voice is strong and unique. I can't wait to read more.
                                    
                                    That being said, you asked for criticism, and there are some things you might want to consider. I'm only a chapter in, so you may explain some of it later, but I didn't want to forget anything. 
                                    
                                    A few grammar mistakes, especially regarding omitted apostrophes for possessives (e.g. her mother’s tears, not her mothers tears). You also have a few typos, such as a missing space on the second page (“Charles’ body language attacked Losielette”), missing spaces before  new sentences, and typos on the 4th paragraph from the bottom of the 4th page and in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd page. Like I said, minor stuff, but distractions can pull readers out of a story.
                                    
                                    While I like the name Losielette (how do you pronounce it, exactly?), a name that unusual requires backstory/explanation. You seem to be working with a true-to-life version of history (WWI, etc), and this isn’t a historically normal name. 
                                    
                                    Didn’t she ever speak up about her disinclination for the arranged marriage to Charles or his parents? It seems hard to believe none of them are interested in her feelings, since Charles’ family is richer and more influential than Losielette’s (presumably he could find someone who’d be grateful to marry him for money). 
                                    
                                    Why did Losielette leave during the war, since Scotland itself wasn’t a battle site? Where did she go?
                                    
                                    While I think you handled Charles’ attempted rape in a believable way,  he appeared out of nowhere in a terrible part of town (somewhere he’d need a reason to be, since he’s rich). Instead of saying she’s totally alone, maybe you should say she didn’t notice the only other person around? There are a number of ways you could handle it, but I do feel it needs a slight mention of explanation.
I want to start off by saying that I really enjoyed this chapter. Losielette is wonderfully engaging, and you jumped right into the action, pulling the reader along. I thought the pacing and flow were great, and your voice is strong and unique. I can't wait to read more.
                                    
                                    That being said, you asked for criticism, and there are some things you might want to consider. I'm only a chapter in, so you may explain some of it later, but I didn't want to forget anything. 
                                    
                                    A few grammar mistakes, especially regarding omitted apostrophes for possessives (e.g. her mother’s tears, not her mothers tears). You also have a few typos, such as a missing space on the second page (“Charles’ body language attacked Losielette”), missing spaces before  new sentences, and typos on the 4th paragraph from the bottom of the 4th page and in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd page. Like I said, minor stuff, but distractions can pull readers out of a story.
                                    
                                    While I like the name Losielette (how do you pronounce it, exactly?), a name that unusual requires backstory/explanation. You seem to be working with a true-to-life version of history (WWI, etc), and this isn’t a historically normal name. 
                                    
                                    Didn’t she ever speak up about her disinclination for the arranged marriage to Charles or his parents? It seems hard to believe none of them are interested in her feelings, since Charles’ family is richer and more influential than Losielette’s (presumably he could find someone who’d be grateful to marry him for money). 
                                    
                                    Why did Losielette leave during the war, since Scotland itself wasn’t a battle site? Where did she go?
                                    
                                    While I think you handled Charles’ attempted rape in a believable way,  he appeared out of nowhere in a terrible part of town (somewhere he’d need a reason to be, since he’s rich). Instead of saying she’s totally alone, maybe you should say she didn’t notice the only other person around? There are a number of ways you could handle it, but I do feel it needs a slight mention of explanation.