Fragile

Fragile

25.1K Reads 1.1K Votes 16 Part Story
smallwinter By smallwinter Updated Feb 01

Afraid of being abandoned again, Tessa Willow grows up guarded and closed off to the world, only finding sanctuary in the quiet refuge of the orphanage  she grew up in. When she learns that her precious orphanage is closing down and is placed in the care of the Harrings family, she feels like her world is disappearing once again.

But when she she's finds herself getting along with Ryan - the Harrings' son - and the rest of his family, Tessa starts to learn that maybe trusting people might not be so bad.

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  • teenfiction
_GinaLexis_ _GinaLexis_ Dec 27, 2017
Again, the transition and the shock you are trying to create in the way she conducts herself differently with the elders and with the little kids is not being delivered. You need to expand this more. Like I already told you, the expressions and tone of voice of a character are very important.
CorrinasNovels CorrinasNovels Jul 31, 2017
I like this chapter, it gives enough information to keep us hooked but not too much that it's overbearing. Your sentence structure varied which I liked and the whole concept of the story is different and unique. Great start, I underestimated this story!
_GinaLexis_ _GinaLexis_ Dec 27, 2017
The first sentence is a little puzzling. But if you wanted to create that effect in the reader then it's good.
_GinaLexis_ _GinaLexis_ Dec 27, 2017
'Plucking' is quite a strong word. Especially when you insert it in a sentence with an authoritative figure. Maybe tone it down a bit? Because it's strange if she treats the teacher that way and gets away with it. But if you do explain later how she manages to, I think this can be overlooked.
_GinaLexis_ _GinaLexis_ Dec 27, 2017
"The door swung open and stopped the teacher in mid-sentence" This sentence is a bit awkward. Also, you have repeated teacher twice in one sentence. Try replacing it with a pronoun.
_GinaLexis_ _GinaLexis_ Dec 27, 2017
Too many repetitions of the word 'teacher'. It breaks the flow.