Somethings Happening (On Hold)

2 Part Story 52 Reads 3 Votes
Marie By SheLaughs Updated 3 years ago
Ten years ago there was an invasion that wiped most of the human population. Lucy was six when it happened, and she can remember everything. Her mom dying, the loud crashes.. Now she's sixteen and everyone is trying to survive. Their hasn't been another invasion, but that doesn't mean their wont be one. (On Hold)
I love the concept you have for this scene, very scary. I just have a few comments. First, every time you have a new speaker start a new paragraph. Not sure if this is just something you missed when uploading, but fixing this will improve readability and keep your reader from being confused with who is speaking. Ex: "What the hell is happening..." then you should start a new paragraph for "Mommy said the bad word..." 
                                    
                                    Second, I love first person and for a story like this I think it was the best choice, but you have this line in the first paragraph that starts "So, I'm assuming you read..." that kind of bothers me, and maybe this is just a personal preference, but I feel like it displaces the narrator. We know from the text that shes sitting on the dock and then when you refrence writing this it makes me feel like Lucy is out there somewhere sitting behind a computer. I think it would flow better not to have Lucy acknowledge the fact that she's telling a story and just to have her tell it - more like she's just remembering it.
                                    
                                    It's a good start, keep writing.
I love the concept you have for this scene, very scary. I just have a few comments. First, every time you have a new speaker start a new paragraph. Not sure if this is just something you missed when uploading, but fixing this will improve readability and keep your reader from being confused with who is speaking. Ex: "What the hell is happening..." then you should start a new paragraph for "Mommy said the bad word..." 
                                    
                                    Second, I love first person and for a story like this I think it was the best choice, but you have this line in the first paragraph that starts "So, I'm assuming you read..." that kind of bothers me, and maybe this is just a personal preference, but I feel like it displaces the narrator. We know from the text that shes sitting on the dock and then when you refrence writing this it makes me feel like Lucy is out there somewhere sitting behind a computer. I think it would flow better not to have Lucy acknowledge the fact that she's telling a story and just to have her tell it - more like she's just remembering it.
                                    
                                    It's a good start, keep writing.
I love the concept you have for this scene, very scary. I just have a few comments. First, every time you have a new speaker start a new paragraph. Not sure if this is just something you missed when uploading, but fixing this will improve readability and keep your reader from being confused with who is speaking. Ex: "What the hell is happening..." then you should start a new paragraph for "Mommy said the bad word..." 
                                    
                                    Second, I love first person and for a story like this I think it was the best choice, but you have this line in the first paragraph that starts "So, I'm assuming you read..." that kind of bothers me, and maybe this is just a personal preference, but I feel like it displaces the narrator. We know from the text that shes sitting on the dock and then when you refrence writing this it makes me feel like Lucy is out there somewhere sitting behind a computer. I think it would flow better not to have Lucy acknowledge the fact that she's telling a story and just to have her tell it - more like she's just remembering it.
                                    
                                    It's a good start, keep writing.
I love the concept you have for this scene, very scary. I just have a few comments. First, every time you have a new speaker start a new paragraph. Not sure if this is just something you missed when uploading, but fixing this will improve readability and keep your reader from being confused with who is speaking. Ex: "What the hell is happening..." then you should start a new paragraph for "Mommy said the bad word..." 
                                    
                                    Second, I love first person and for a story like this I think it was the best choice, but you have this line in the first paragraph that starts "So, I'm assuming you read..." that kind of bothers me, and maybe this is just a personal preference, but I feel like it displaces the narrator. We know from the text that shes sitting on the dock and then when you refrence writing this it makes me feel like Lucy is out there somewhere sitting behind a computer. I think it would flow better not to have Lucy acknowledge the fact that she's telling a story and just to have her tell it - more like she's just remembering it.
                                    
                                    It's a good start, keep writing.
I love the concept you have for this scene, very scary. I just have a few comments. First, every time you have a new speaker start a new paragraph. Not sure if this is just something you missed when uploading, but fixing this will improve readability and keep your reader from being confused with who is speaking. Ex: "What the hell is happening..." then you should start a new paragraph for "Mommy said the bad word..." 
                                    
                                    Second, I love first person and for a story like this I think it was the best choice, but you have this line in the first paragraph that starts "So, I'm assuming you read..." that kind of bothers me, and maybe this is just a personal preference, but I feel like it displaces the narrator. We know from the text that shes sitting on the dock and then when you refrence writing this it makes me feel like Lucy is out there somewhere sitting behind a computer. I think it would flow better not to have Lucy acknowledge the fact that she's telling a story and just to have her tell it - more like she's just remembering it.
                                    
                                    It's a good start, keep writing.