Once upon a time,

Once upon a time,

23.7K Reads 378 Votes 19 Part Story
Seshi Faye By xXseshiXx Completed

Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and look beyond the lake and smile, knowing that a part of him is still here.

Mariela has always been the good girl...the nerd, and million of other names. Everything changes when Zach comes into town. Bringing with him a tornado the town of Dershwood is not ready to cope with...But can Mariela go from miss straight A's to the girl she is becoming. Shes about to discover that sometimes breaking the rules for something you love is better than to follow them and lose a friend.

"I am not this kind of girl Zach. Look...this was fun but it's time I stop playing dress up." I looked into his eyes, his gaze swiftly becoming calculating.
He smiled, "But this is you Mariela. And I agree it's time you stop hiding her with the girl that people have forced you to be."

MadHarte MadHarte Dec 23, 2011
The beginning was great, although it seemed slightly cliched. The word "chick", I think, was used way too often, though. Mariela is an interesting character~ She's quite independent but a little quiet on how she feels.
MythWalker MythWalker Dec 23, 2011
Love your beginning. Though you tend to make long paragraphs. Readers often find a story with long paragraphs boring so avoid that.
                              (Not my words. I found this on an article a few months back)
                              Keep Writing! never Give up!
Ninja121 Ninja121 Dec 23, 2011
Really really good. I usually stick to fantasy but this seems interesting and caught my attention. If I were you I would break up some of the longer paragraphs cause they tend to get the reader less interested. But overall great job! *voted*
concentricxx concentricxx Oct 02, 2011
It's a good chapter, but you kind of transition into texting language a few times, so watch out for that. There are a few grammar things as well...
ABitterSweetRomance ABitterSweetRomance Sep 11, 2011
Very interesting might I say. Good job! The only bad thing I could say would to beg you to please break up some of the longer paragraphs, please. Other than that I liked it. Can't wait to find out more about these two.
singsweetly singsweetly Aug 30, 2011
Aww this is a nice chapter, anyway... I have nothing against it. Though it may be cliche.... I DONT REALLY CARE! Its awesome! I like Mariela, she's kind of... (I repeat, kind of) bella. Chill, mysterious type. Nice story! Keep it up and goodluck! XD VOTED