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Pen Your Pride


476 Reads 16 Votes 4 Part Story
Anna By rocknroll12 Updated Mar 29, 2011

Karly is your average teenage girl, until she meets a mysterious man named Luke. Karly cant understand why she has grown so fond of this stranger in her life, until she realizes how dangerous he really is.

  • boy
  • butterflie
  • butterflies
  • clean
  • clouds
  • cute
  • cuts
  • dark
  • dimples
  • girl
  • hair
  • hand
  • hands
  • handsome
  • happy
  • holding
  • honey
  • house
  • hug
  • hugging
  • hugs
  • laugh
  • laughing
  • loner
  • love
  • mirror
  • park
  • red
  • rock
  • romance
  • scared
  • school
  • set
  • shaggy
  • sleep
  • smile
  • sun
  • swing
  • tall
  • tea
  • teen
  • unsure
dontemm dontemm Mar 13, 2011
Once again, I'm with trishthewriter. The dialouge confusion was cleared up a little, but like heyhannah97 said, seperate paragraphs for dialouge makes it go smoother :) Can't wait for the next upload!
dontemm dontemm Mar 13, 2011
I agree with all of trishthewriter's points. Also it would be beneficial to your story if you mady your dialouge more clear. It all runs together... Still staying with you though :)
heyhannah92 heyhannah92 Mar 13, 2011
This is better bc you separated some parts into different paragraphs, but you need to do it more when different people talk.  That way it flows and its much easier to read.  Other than that, this story is super interesting!
heyhannah92 heyhannah92 Mar 13, 2011
This is interesting so far!  The only complaint that I have is that it's one big paragraph and there are a lot of grammar mistakes.  I saw you fixed it in the next chapter though, so that's good!  *Voted*!
trishthewriter trishthewriter Mar 13, 2011
Your issues with dialogue mash up persisted here, and I also saw some more mechanics errors. The first letter of all sentences should be capitalized. I think this could be a great story, but there is room to improve. 
AvengedSevenfoldGirl AvengedSevenfoldGirl Mar 13, 2011
I am loving this!!!!
                              I love the written style and feel that this story has amazing potential - can't wait to keep reading :)