Blunder

2 Part Story 6.6K Reads 199 Votes
Sorria Rothens By Sorria_Rothens Updated 3 years ago
Arial's life seems to be on a downward spiral. Her mother's health is declining yet she still continues to turn to alcohol; Arial's home is under foreclose and the majority  their assets have been seized by the bank, penniless and with no where to turn they decide to contact Abrial's estranged Aunt Helena. Helena proposes that Arial and her mother move into her estate in a small northern surf town. There she meets Ash, a   big wave surfer with an even bigger heart and Misty, the fisherman's daughter who just so happens to be a near spiting image of Arial. Will Arial be able to uncover the truth behind her aunt and her mother's fall out, and how dose Misty fit into the picture? And will Arial be able to let go of her fears and  fall in love? Find out in this compelling romantic mystery.
The start was really good though you misspelled the word,'scent' cause you wrote 'sent'. The second paragraph has a word that sounds redundant in my ears which is the can. I guess what you can do is remove the word can after the rim because it would also sound fine if you do so. On the third paragraph, the sentence there could use ';'. Which is like this, "Discarded items dot the lawn, sprawled this way and that; their metallic surfaces glinting in the mid-summer sun." The one where she says she's furious at Margret sentence should be, "I'm furious at her for letting herself slip back..." herself is the more correct term than what you had used. You also misspelled the word 'cushion' because you added an 'o'. 
                                    "..but it doesn't change the fact that I'm soon overcome with shame" should be, "...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm overcome with shame" removing the 'soon' is right if she's already feeling shame from her mom's financial status. And also, the part where she answers, "Yeah, sorry about that I erhm..we haven't found a place yet" You should end the sentence by placing a dot after she said she was sorry and then start another sentence. You should also put dots between I and the erhm because you were pointing to the readers that she didn't know what the right thing to say as she said the erhm. So it should look like this, "Yeah, sorry about that. I...erhm....we haven't found a place yet"
                                    Another thing I noticed is that you have put a word that definitely sounds wrong when you read it on the last dialogue in the first part. It should have been, "...I mean, I know she and Margret had that huge fall out like, what...ten years ago, but I mean, come on. She has got to help, she's family" It sounds better cause the use of punctuation has been put to its rightful place.
The start was really good though you misspelled the word,'scent' cause you wrote 'sent'. The second paragraph has a word that sounds redundant in my ears which is the can. I guess what you can do is remove the word can after the rim because it would also sound fine if you do so. On the third paragraph, the sentence there could use ';'. Which is like this, "Discarded items dot the lawn, sprawled this way and that; their metallic surfaces glinting in the mid-summer sun." The one where she says she's furious at Margret sentence should be, "I'm furious at her for letting herself slip back..." herself is the more correct term than what you had used. You also misspelled the word 'cushion' because you added an 'o'. 
                                    "..but it doesn't change the fact that I'm soon overcome with shame" should be, "...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm overcome with shame" removing the 'soon' is right if she's already feeling shame from her mom's financial status. And also, the part where she answers, "Yeah, sorry about that I erhm..we haven't found a place yet" You should end the sentence by placing a dot after she said she was sorry and then start another sentence. You should also put dots between I and the erhm because you were pointing to the readers that she didn't know what the right thing to say as she said the erhm. So it should look like this, "Yeah, sorry about that. I...erhm....we haven't found a place yet"
                                    Another thing I noticed is that you have put a word that definitely sounds wrong when you read it on the last dialogue in the first part. It should have been, "...I mean, I know she and Margret had that huge fall out like, what...ten years ago, but I mean, come on. She has got to help, she's family" It sounds better cause the use of punctuation has been put to its rightful place.
The start was really good though you misspelled the word,'scent' cause you wrote 'sent'. The second paragraph has a word that sounds redundant in my ears which is the can. I guess what you can do is remove the word can after the rim because it would also sound fine if you do so. On the third paragraph, the sentence there could use ';'. Which is like this, "Discarded items dot the lawn, sprawled this way and that; their metallic surfaces glinting in the mid-summer sun." The one where she says she's furious at Margret sentence should be, "I'm furious at her for letting herself slip back..." herself is the more correct term than what you had used. You also misspelled the word 'cushion' because you added an 'o'. 
                                    "..but it doesn't change the fact that I'm soon overcome with shame" should be, "...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm overcome with shame" removing the 'soon' is right if she's already feeling shame from her mom's financial status. And also, the part where she answers, "Yeah, sorry about that I erhm..we haven't found a place yet" You should end the sentence by placing a dot after she said she was sorry and then start another sentence. You should also put dots between I and the erhm because you were pointing to the readers that she didn't know what the right thing to say as she said the erhm. So it should look like this, "Yeah, sorry about that. I...erhm....we haven't found a place yet"
                                    Another thing I noticed is that you have put a word that definitely sounds wrong when you read it on the last dialogue in the first part. It should have been, "...I mean, I know she and Margret had that huge fall out like, what...ten years ago, but I mean, come on. She has got to help, she's family" It sounds better cause the use of punctuation has been put to its rightful place.
The start was really good though you misspelled the word,'scent' cause you wrote 'sent'. The second paragraph has a word that sounds redundant in my ears which is the can. I guess what you can do is remove the word can after the rim because it would also sound fine if you do so. On the third paragraph, the sentence there could use ';'. Which is like this, "Discarded items dot the lawn, sprawled this way and that; their metallic surfaces glinting in the mid-summer sun." The one where she says she's furious at Margret sentence should be, "I'm furious at her for letting herself slip back..." herself is the more correct term than what you had used. You also misspelled the word 'cushion' because you added an 'o'. 
                                    "..but it doesn't change the fact that I'm soon overcome with shame" should be, "...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm overcome with shame" removing the 'soon' is right if she's already feeling shame from her mom's financial status. And also, the part where she answers, "Yeah, sorry about that I erhm..we haven't found a place yet" You should end the sentence by placing a dot after she said she was sorry and then start another sentence. You should also put dots between I and the erhm because you were pointing to the readers that she didn't know what the right thing to say as she said the erhm. So it should look like this, "Yeah, sorry about that. I...erhm....we haven't found a place yet"
                                    Another thing I noticed is that you have put a word that definitely sounds wrong when you read it on the last dialogue in the first part. It should have been, "...I mean, I know she and Margret had that huge fall out like, what...ten years ago, but I mean, come on. She has got to help, she's family" It sounds better cause the use of punctuation has been put to its rightful place.
The start was really good though you misspelled the word,'scent' cause you wrote 'sent'. The second paragraph has a word that sounds redundant in my ears which is the can. I guess what you can do is remove the word can after the rim because it would also sound fine if you do so. On the third paragraph, the sentence there could use ';'. Which is like this, "Discarded items dot the lawn, sprawled this way and that; their metallic surfaces glinting in the mid-summer sun." The one where she says she's furious at Margret sentence should be, "I'm furious at her for letting herself slip back..." herself is the more correct term than what you had used. You also misspelled the word 'cushion' because you added an 'o'. 
                                    "..but it doesn't change the fact that I'm soon overcome with shame" should be, "...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm overcome with shame" removing the 'soon' is right if she's already feeling shame from her mom's financial status. And also, the part where she answers, "Yeah, sorry about that I erhm..we haven't found a place yet" You should end the sentence by placing a dot after she said she was sorry and then start another sentence. You should also put dots between I and the erhm because you were pointing to the readers that she didn't know what the right thing to say as she said the erhm. So it should look like this, "Yeah, sorry about that. I...erhm....we haven't found a place yet"
                                    Another thing I noticed is that you have put a word that definitely sounds wrong when you read it on the last dialogue in the first part. It should have been, "...I mean, I know she and Margret had that huge fall out like, what...ten years ago, but I mean, come on. She has got to help, she's family" It sounds better cause the use of punctuation has been put to its rightful place.
The start was really good though you misspelled the word,'scent' cause you wrote 'sent'. The second paragraph has a word that sounds redundant in my ears which is the can. I guess what you can do is remove the word can after the rim because it would also sound fine if you do so. On the third paragraph, the sentence there could use ';'. Which is like this, "Discarded items dot the lawn, sprawled this way and that; their metallic surfaces glinting in the mid-summer sun." The one where she says she's furious at Margret sentence should be, "I'm furious at her for letting herself slip back..." herself is the more correct term than what you had used. You also misspelled the word 'cushion' because you added an 'o'. 
                                    "..but it doesn't change the fact that I'm soon overcome with shame" should be, "...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm overcome with shame" removing the 'soon' is right if she's already feeling shame from her mom's financial status. And also, the part where she answers, "Yeah, sorry about that I erhm..we haven't found a place yet" You should end the sentence by placing a dot after she said she was sorry and then start another sentence. You should also put dots between I and the erhm because you were pointing to the readers that she didn't know what the right thing to say as she said the erhm. So it should look like this, "Yeah, sorry about that. I...erhm....we haven't found a place yet"
                                    Another thing I noticed is that you have put a word that definitely sounds wrong when you read it on the last dialogue in the first part. It should have been, "...I mean, I know she and Margret had that huge fall out like, what...ten years ago, but I mean, come on. She has got to help, she's family" It sounds better cause the use of punctuation has been put to its rightful place.