Butcher Bert & the Monkey Mafia

Butcher Bert & the Monkey Mafia

563 Reads 119 Votes 31 Part Story
Matt Hawkins By mchawkinsauthor Updated 4 days ago

**WARNING** IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING YOU MAY FIND THIS STORY OFFENSIVE: 

BLACK. WHITE. BROWN. RED. MAUVE. YELLOW. YELLOW WITH GREEN SPOTS. FEMALE. MALE. HERMAPHRODITIC. GAY. STRAIGHT. GENTLY CURVED. OVOID. BI. TRI. VIETNAMESE. ITALIAN. SCOTTISH. CARTHAGINIAN. CAUCASIAN. MARTIAN. AN AMPUTEE. IN A WHEELCHAIR. IN A WHEELBARROW. A GENIUS. FAIRLY INTELLIGENT. STUPID. EXTREMELY STUPID. JADEN SMITH.

There is no greengrocer in Springvale. No bakery or fish shop. There isn't even a milk bar. One-by-one they've been put out of business by supermarket mogul Sal Monella and his farting monkeys.

There's only one shop left: Bert's Quality Meats. And Bert is not going to sell without a fight.

So begins a fierce retail war between Sal and his monkeys, and Butcher Bert and his resourceful Viet cleanup kid Kim. Sal will stop at nothing, even if it means seducing Kim's prune-eating school teacher, in a steamy scene that will have you reaching for the nearest bucket. 

Springvale will never be the same again.

FOR FANS OF
David Walliams
Andy Griffiths
Roald Dahl
Charles Darwin

READERSHIP
Anyone from ages 7 to 10
Particularly stupid teenagers
Low-functioning adults

  • action
  • adventure
  • andygriffiths
  • australia
  • butcher
  • comedy
  • davidwalliams
  • farts
  • featured
  • funny
  • godfather
  • italian
  • kids
  • kidsbook
  • laugh
  • mafia
  • monkeys
  • roalddahl
  • supermarket
  • underworld
  • vietnam
  • war
  • wattys2018
GamerWorld8 GamerWorld8 Mar 09
Only u matt, can make something (the menu) so gross so funny! Love it!💓 😻😂🙈
LilyAnnF LilyAnnF Jun 03
Oh, dear, it really made me laugh. Sal Monella. I love him already
Gizmosghost Gizmosghost Jul 05
Oh how I've missed the humor and the tiniest bit of snark! 😉😘