Sunlight 24

Sunlight 24

815 Reads 173 Votes 15 Part Story
MG1440 By MG1440 Updated 26 minutes ago

If the game wasn't fair before, it's definitely not fair now. Or so thinks Dorian Waters, part of the ever-expanding portion of humanity who can't afford the nano-implant and genetic augmentation regimen known as Revision. And because he can't afford Revision, he can't get into college. He can't get a job. And when he sees the brilliant and mesmerizing Lena for the first time, he knows he doesn't have a chance with her, either.

Feeling thoroughly lost and exasperated, Dorian robs a house with his best friend, Ethan. Then they do it again. It's thrilling and terrifying and deeply unsettling. But since they take so little each time that their targets don't notice, they're able to keep at it until they have enough money saved up. 

Once they do their first Revision, their initial choices in self-enhancement start impacting their future choices, which in turn impact their future Revision--on and on in an increasingly surreal loop, transforming their personalities the entire away. Dorian desperately wants to slow things down and figure out the kind of person he really wants to be, but with the police one step behind them and a contentious relationship with his brother, Jaden, threatening to unravel everything, it's the expedient choices that he's finding himself more and more compelled to make.

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MiloMaia MiloMaia Mar 05
This exposition trips up the pacing. It's also one large tell, so, for me at least, the information doesn't stick as well as it would seeing it in action.
I might change this last word here. It's fine, don't get me wrong, but I just get the feeling it could be finished stronger. 'To remind me it could not be killed by time alone' or words to that effect :)
MiloMaia MiloMaia Mar 05
Just a rhythmic quibble: placing 'though' at the beginning would eliminate the bump presented by the parenthetical commas.
MiloMaia MiloMaia Mar 05
Nice continuation with the sensation in the thumb. I felt that.
MiloMaia MiloMaia Mar 05
Highly technical and a run-on. I glazed over this sentence because the information was so nuanced. If there's something important in there for later, a reader might completely miss it amidst the jargon. I would recommend simplifying.
MiloMaia MiloMaia Mar 05
This entire paragraph is rather heavy on the exposition, and whilst it gives some characterization, it mostly defuses the tension of a safe-cracking gig in the dark. Some of this information could be dripped in, preferably earlier so we have context.