Heart's Desire

Heart's Desire

599 Reads 2 Votes 6 Part Story
Cortina By cortinalatosha14 Updated Apr 12, 2011

Lori was an average girl  with a not so average dad. Lori's dad explored ancient ruins and Lori longed to join him, but she was stuck in school. Thinking greatly about his daughter, Lori's dad sends her an interesting gift that will change her life forever. Question is will she be able to handle the responsibility of the gift or will she only use it for her own gain?

cortinalatosha14 cortinalatosha14 Feb 26, 2011
@trishthewriter Yeah, it's just a dream she's having, but it's also what she wants to be doing. I did that to introduce a desire of her's.
trishthewriter trishthewriter Feb 26, 2011
Good premise, and it is original. I'm seeing that you're using a  few too many adverbs here. You need to show your readers what's going on instead of telling them. That aside, the story is good. I voted. 
trishthewriter trishthewriter Feb 26, 2011
I'm noticing that you're jumping between past and present tense. I'm hoping it's because she was dreaming and now she's awake. I'm going to read the next chapter to find out.