L.E.A.P.: Alpha (Being rethought/done)

13 Part Story 15.8K Reads 299 Votes
James Janzen By James_Janzen Updated 3 years ago
Note: Please please please do not read this, it is being completely rewritten. Thanks.
    
    He awakes in a cold stone room with over thirty other people. They don't remember what happened.  Not only that, they don't remember anything else.  In a world full of dangers, follow Mark's adventure to regain his identity, unravel a mystery, and to end a disaster.  From James_Janzen comes L.E.A.P.: Alpha, the first book in the L.E.A.P. series - and a Science Fiction adventure you won't forget.
First off I think you have a lot of potential and some great ideas here. However, some of your sentences get a bit wordy and convuluted, like the last sentence in the first paragraph and the first two in the second. I kind of have an idea of the memory loss, but only just. I think if you showedmore of the memories it would be clearer. also, picking up the pacing would be good to grab the reader's attention. That can fixed by cutting out the unnecessary parts of the monologue and getting to the conflict, the fact that be can't move, faster. I like that he worries he's some kind of manmade creature with fake feelings and no soul. It gives me an idea of the world you're building.well I know you asked for harsh critique but I did like this hope I didn't offend you. Also please ignore any spelling errors in this I'm writing from my iPod which I'm not used to :p
First off I think you have a lot of potential and some great ideas here. However, some of your sentences get a bit wordy and convuluted, like the last sentence in the first paragraph and the first two in the second. I kind of have an idea of the memory loss, but only just. I think if you showedmore of the memories it would be clearer. also, picking up the pacing would be good to grab the reader's attention. That can fixed by cutting out the unnecessary parts of the monologue and getting to the conflict, the fact that be can't move, faster. I like that he worries he's some kind of manmade creature with fake feelings and no soul. It gives me an idea of the world you're building.well I know you asked for harsh critique but I did like this hope I didn't offend you. Also please ignore any spelling errors in this I'm writing from my iPod which I'm not used to :p
First off I think you have a lot of potential and some great ideas here. However, some of your sentences get a bit wordy and convuluted, like the last sentence in the first paragraph and the first two in the second. I kind of have an idea of the memory loss, but only just. I think if you showedmore of the memories it would be clearer. also, picking up the pacing would be good to grab the reader's attention. That can fixed by cutting out the unnecessary parts of the monologue and getting to the conflict, the fact that be can't move, faster. I like that he worries he's some kind of manmade creature with fake feelings and no soul. It gives me an idea of the world you're building.well I know you asked for harsh critique but I did like this hope I didn't offend you. Also please ignore any spelling errors in this I'm writing from my iPod which I'm not used to :p
First off I think you have a lot of potential and some great ideas here. However, some of your sentences get a bit wordy and convuluted, like the last sentence in the first paragraph and the first two in the second. I kind of have an idea of the memory loss, but only just. I think if you showedmore of the memories it would be clearer. also, picking up the pacing would be good to grab the reader's attention. That can fixed by cutting out the unnecessary parts of the monologue and getting to the conflict, the fact that be can't move, faster. I like that he worries he's some kind of manmade creature with fake feelings and no soul. It gives me an idea of the world you're building.well I know you asked for harsh critique but I did like this hope I didn't offend you. Also please ignore any spelling errors in this I'm writing from my iPod which I'm not used to :p
First off I think you have a lot of potential and some great ideas here. However, some of your sentences get a bit wordy and convuluted, like the last sentence in the first paragraph and the first two in the second. I kind of have an idea of the memory loss, but only just. I think if you showedmore of the memories it would be clearer. also, picking up the pacing would be good to grab the reader's attention. That can fixed by cutting out the unnecessary parts of the monologue and getting to the conflict, the fact that be can't move, faster. I like that he worries he's some kind of manmade creature with fake feelings and no soul. It gives me an idea of the world you're building.well I know you asked for harsh critique but I did like this hope I didn't offend you. Also please ignore any spelling errors in this I'm writing from my iPod which I'm not used to :p
First off I think you have a lot of potential and some great ideas here. However, some of your sentences get a bit wordy and convuluted, like the last sentence in the first paragraph and the first two in the second. I kind of have an idea of the memory loss, but only just. I think if you showedmore of the memories it would be clearer. also, picking up the pacing would be good to grab the reader's attention. That can fixed by cutting out the unnecessary parts of the monologue and getting to the conflict, the fact that be can't move, faster. I like that he worries he's some kind of manmade creature with fake feelings and no soul. It gives me an idea of the world you're building.well I know you asked for harsh critique but I did like this hope I didn't offend you. Also please ignore any spelling errors in this I'm writing from my iPod which I'm not used to :p