Alpha

Alpha

205K Reads 7.6K Votes 25 Part Story
kim3456 By kim3456 Completed

Lesbian story so don't read if that offends you, hope you like it.

  • girlxgirl
I recommend putting the thoughts of the narrator. Right now, its a bit awkward, as the thoughts instantly go into an action.
Who is saying this? There is no speech tag. It would be fine if this was the middle of a conversation, but this is the beginning of one.
Still, the way this is written is very confusing. There is barely any indication as to who is speaking.
Emosoul12 Emosoul12 Aug 12
The officer could've slowly moved into that section of the conversation, but okay...
                              (Seriously, it's like the officer just smacked them with a stick that said, "You're parents are dead!"
                              😭😭😭😭).
There should probably be a space in between the comma after the second beep and the following beep.
What?
                              
                              The punctuation and capitalization is really wonky on this paragraph.