Alpha

Alpha

218K Reads 8.1K Votes 25 Part Story
kim3456 By kim3456 Completed

Lesbian story so don't read if that offends you, hope you like it.

  • girlxgirl
ThatCrazyBlob_1 ThatCrazyBlob_1 Nov 11, 2017
I recommend putting the thoughts of the narrator. Right now, its a bit awkward, as the thoughts instantly go into an action.
ThatCrazyBlob_1 ThatCrazyBlob_1 Nov 11, 2017
Who is saying this? There is no speech tag. It would be fine if this was the middle of a conversation, but this is the beginning of one.
ThatCrazyBlob_1 ThatCrazyBlob_1 Nov 11, 2017
Still, the way this is written is very confusing. There is barely any indication as to who is speaking.
Emosoul12 Emosoul12 Aug 12, 2017
The officer could've slowly moved into that section of the conversation, but okay...
                              (Seriously, it's like the officer just smacked them with a stick that said, "You're parents are dead!"
                              😭😭😭😭).
ThatCrazyBlob_1 ThatCrazyBlob_1 Nov 11, 2017
There should probably be a space in between the comma after the second beep and the following beep.
ThatCrazyBlob_1 ThatCrazyBlob_1 Nov 11, 2017
What?
                              
                              The punctuation and capitalization is really wonky on this paragraph.