I FEEL sick. I rush to the bathroom, nearly tossing myself over the toilet as my body threatens to toss up anything and everything it has inside. I feel dizzy and disoriented.
I slump back and sit beside the toilet, my back against the bathtub. I try to slow my breathing. You'd think if Hades was going to recreate me, he'd at least take away the part of me that can be so easily sickened by stress. I guess he just kept in as much bad as he could when reconstructing me.
I'm still confused. I still don't understand how any of this is possible. I know so little of mythology but I know who Hades was... is... whatever the fuck... a merciless decider of where the dead go. So does that mean that his brother is Zeus? Is the family business ruling the underworld? How am I meant to believe any of this?
There's no explanation for Cerberus. There's no logical explanation for that... thing coming to life. I'm not dreaming; that much I know. I can feel everything, sense everything.
I'm dead. That's what he says. This is my afterlife. I can't believe I died. I remember seeing my parents seconds before we died. I don't remember hitting the water. Maybe I got whiplash and was knocked out. I don't remember dying. I don't remember what it felt like to die. I don't remember it being cold or bright. I just remember feeling terrified the second I knew I was going to die. I remember being even more terrified when I saw my parents' horrified faces and when I noticed that they knew too.
I hear footsteps nearing the door and my anger rises again. Hades' hand pushes the door open a little more as he peers in.
"Get out," I grumble, keeping my eyes on the floor.
When I look up, I can see that his face is tensed and full of guilt.
"Please, just let me be near you. I won't touch you if you don't want me to. I know I don't deserve it but please, I just want to be near you."
"And what if I don't want to see you ever again?"
"You might be getting your wish very soon." His voice is quiet.
"How so?" I can feel my face contort in confusion.
"The people who are coming after us want to return you to where I found you. Who you know as Kai is actually Tartarus."
I shrug. "I don't know who that is."
"He's where the worst of the worst go to. He controls the worst parts of the underworld where the worst people go to be tortured for eternity." He leans on the door frame with his hands shoved in his pockets.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This is so much to take in and now Kai is this other god?
"I don't belong there..." I get a little panicked. I don't want to be tortured.
"No, he's not bringing you there. You were a good person in life... you still are now."
"So, why does he care if I'm here?"
Hanes looks down to the floor and swallows hard.
"He's trying to get back at me because when his sister died, I let her in and I let her become one of the roaming spirits. He believes that I shouldn't have let her die but I don't have much control over these things... you see."
"It seems like you have plenty of control over whatever benefits you," I grumble bitterly.
"I know you hate me, rightly so." He takes a deep breath. "But I want you to know that..." he looks up from the floor to meet my gaze. "... if I had known who you were before all of this, I wouldn't have done what I did. I know what I did was as selfish and horrible as it gets. I needed someone or something, and I didn't care what I had to do to get that."
"I don't care how much you think you needed someone. I don't care if you were living in the most isolated, tortuous place; doing what you did to me — putting me back there — that's the worst thing you could have done."
His lip quivers with emotion as his eyes meet the ground again in shame.
"And... I think what's worse is that you actually made me believe that you cared... like actually cared, not out of desperation but because you met me and took me, scars and all. Then to find out that this was all a part of your plan, that when you looked at me with tears in your eyes, it was because of guilt, not sympathy." The rising emotion causes my cheeks to burn and my eyes to become blurred. "That hurts the most."
I can see his eyes welling up as he looks up at me.
"You said that you'd never let anyone hurt me again... but you were the only one to hurt me. You even gave me scars, Hades. How could you?" Tears fall from my eyes again.
"I wasn't thinking." He shakes his head. "I'm not supposed to be merciful."
I shake my head. "No one told you to be a horrible person."
"But I'm not a person, Ellie. I'm not wired like you are. I get so angry that some days I think I could tear this whole place down. I know you saw me angry and I know I've been cruel, but when I saw that maybe you could actually like me — that maybe you did like me — I tried to be better. I really tried." Tears fall from his eyes. "And I felt so guilty when I saw how scared you were to show me your scars. When I saw how scared you were of everyone and everything. I realized that bringing you back, especially to the place that I did, was so selfish and I hated myself for it — I still do."
My chest is tight and hurts. I'm angry with him but I'm also angry with myself. I'm angry because, seeing him crying as he is right now, telling me how much he regrets everything, I'm starting to believe him. It's lies. He just doesn't want to be alone again. He doesn't care.
"And when Kai came and tried to hurt you," he takes a shaky deep breath. "... and we had to come back here, I started to remember how horrible it was to be here in the first place. I hated that I brought you here but I didn't want him to come and try to hurt you or take you from me and I know that he can't come here — not alone. I just got so afraid that they'd come and take you away. When they do, I won't be able to stay here. I won't be able to live."
I shake my head. "I know you're just lonely and want someone around. I won't be someone for you to have. If you really feel this way, that's your own doing but if you are just saying all of this to make me sympathetic, it won't work."
"I don't expect you to have any sympathy. I'm not telling you this to get anything from you, I just wanted you to know that this wasn't my intention."
"And what were your intentions then, Hades? What did you expect to come of this?"
"I don't know..." he shrugs. "I was just angry and needed someone. I didn't think about how it would affect you... at the time, I didn't care."
His words tear me apart. I was just some prop. I was quite literally crafted to please him. What could have made him so angry all of a sudden?
I begin to reflect on the things that Kai said. More of what he said begins to make more sense as I relate it to our situation. But one piece is still missing.
"Kai called me Persephone."
When his face contorts into something of anger and sadness, I can tell that the name has some relevance after all.
"That name has some significance?" I question.
He nods. "She left me just before I... took you."
"And that's why you had become so angry?"
He shrugs. "She was the first person that I really loved but no one was capable of loving me. I thought I could keep her here forever but she didn't want to stay and my brother forced me to let her go."
"Zeus?" It sounds so strange saying this out loud. It's like I'm feeding into his fantasy but as I begin to think more through things, and more is explained, I begin to realize that maybe what he says is true.
"Zeus is my brother. He got the best of everything and the most power to do what he pleases. When he took Persephone from me, I became angrier than I had ever been. Before her, I didn't know any differently. It's harder to be lonely when you don't know what it's like to love someone. So, out of spite, I did what I know is so completely horrible." He takes another deep breath. "The building, the hotel room, my business calls, and the first meeting we had — it was all a coverup. I wanted to seem like your best option so that you would want to stay with me."
I take a deep breath, my heart aching from feeling so used.
"But you were barely around. Did you really need me?"
He looks at me and softens his expression, although it's still tense.
"I needed you more than you needed me. I still need you way more than you'll ever need me. And now, it's not because I'm lonely or just need someone. I don't think I could lose you as gracefully as I lost her."
'Gracefully' seems like a bit of an overstatement.
"Who are you trying to convince?" My voice is bitter, my hate for him still very present on my tongue.
"I don't need to convince myself of it. I know it. If I could deny it anymore, I would, but I can't. I won't lie to you when I know I'm going to lose you anyway."
Amongst all of my anger and hate for him, a larger part of my heart stings at his last words — I'm going to lose you anyway. In the silence of our grief, I look down at my feet and then up at him again.
"Leave," I mumble.
"What?"
"Leave me be," I say quietly, my cheeks burning once again.
"Please, Ellie." He begins to beg.
"GET OUT!!" I yell, causing him to shudder, and then slowly walk out and close the door behind him.
The second I hear the door click shut, my tears fall freely and I fear that they may never stop.