December, 1994/January, 1995
It was New Years Eve and me and Denaun decided we'd have a party since we hadn't had one in awhile. We all kept saying how weird it was gonna be celebrating New Years without Ti this year, and I know DeShaun especially was really upset by it. He said he had never celebrated a New Years without her since they were kids which made me feel really bad. As much as I missed her, I couldn't imagine what he was going through having his sister move to a completely different state. He said he had been talking to her everyday and that she was doing good, and she had two roommates who she really liked which I thought was nice. I knew she'd like it as soon as she got there. Ti's really adaptable that way, and she always makes friends really easily. Of course they would love her. Who wouldn't?
I hadn't talked to her since the day we slept together, so I figured maybe I'd give her a call and wish her a happy New Years before the party started. I just hoped to god she was still home, she might be out at some fancy club with her new friends for all I know.
I dialled her new number, but I fucked it up not once, but twice, by putting in the wrong area code. God this is so weird. After a few rings a female voice with a South American accent that certainly wasn't Ti's picked up. "Hello?"
"Yo, is Ti there?"
"Ti?" The person asked confused. "Oh! You mean Tiyana?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah she's here, one second." I heard the person start to yell for her and a few moments later my favourite voice came through the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey! It's me." I said energetically.
"Marshall! Oh my god hi! How are you?" She returned my energetic tone of voice which made me happy. I was glad she was still excited to hear from me.
"I'm good, I'm good. How're you, Tiyana?" I joked.
She laughed. "Shut up, that's just what she likes to call me. She says it's prettier."
"Who's she?"
"Dana, she's one of my roommates."
"Well tell Dana to shove it. Your name's Ti."
She laughed. "So what have you been up too?"
"Shit, not much. Been goin' to the shop like every damn day it feels like."
"Yeah? How's it goin'? They all still lovin' Eminem?"
I laughed. "'Course. Who wouldn't?"
"Ah that's true. You get any studio time yet?"
"Nah not yet. I'ma do it this year though. It's one of my resolutions or whatever."
"I believe in you! You can do it." She said encouragingly and I smiled.
"So how's New York been treatin' ya? You got any plans tonight?"
"I do actually! I'm going to some party with my roommates, and my roommates brother. I guess it's his friends party."
"Yeah? That's dope, Ti. I'm glad you're makin' friends and shit out there."
"Me too. I was really nervous I wasn't gonna, but these girls have been amazing to me. Dana's from Colombia, so she doesn't have any family or friends here either, so Brandy, my other roommate, has kinda taken us both under her wing and introduced us to her all her family and friends."
I smiled. "That's really nice of her."
"I know right! We've kinda become like a little family." She giggled. "It's pretty cute."
I laughed. "I bet it is."
"What are you guys doing tonight?"
"We're just havin' a party here, I think a lot of people from the shop are coming."
She groaned. "That sounds like so much fun. I never realized how much I was gonna miss Detroit parties."
I laughed. "Bullshit, you're probably goin' out to some million dollar house and gonna be drinkin' Champagne or some rich shit like that."
"Sooo? You can take the girl outta the hood, but you can't take the hood outta the girl."
I laughed again. "That's true. Well we'll take a shot of Hennessy for ya Champagne drinkin' ass tonight."
She giggled. "Please do. I miss you guys so much! I can't wait to see you next Christmas."
"I know, we miss you so much too, Ti. Christmas fuckin' sucked without you. And I know DeShaun's really upset that you're not here for New Years."
"I know he is, I feel so bad. Take care of him for me."
"I got ya boy for life, don't worry."
"I know you do." I could tell she was smiling which made me smile. Fuck do I ever miss her.
"Yo! Did you ever listen to the tape I made ya?"
"Oh! Yes I did! I'm so sorry, I completely forgot to call you. I absolutely fucking loved it. My favourites were '93 Til Infinity, Keep Ya Head Up, and N.Y State of Mind."
I laughed. "Yeah? I knew you'd like '93 Til Infinity. That's definitely your preferred style of rap."
She giggled. "Yeah it's so good, I loved it. Brandy's really into hip hop too and she said it's a really well-put together mix."
"Well tell Brandy I said she's dope."
She laughed again. "I will."
"Aight, well I should let ya go. DeShaun and all of them should be here soon."
"Okay sounds good. Call me again soon! I miss you!"
"Yo you call me, you got my number."
"I will I will. Have a good night!"
"You too, Ti. Love you."
"Love you too. Bye!" She said quickly and then the line went dead. Immediately after she hung up I had this weird feeling in my stomach. It feels like me and Ti are in this weird limbo where we're not together, but we had some crazy sex before she left, but I don't think she has feelings for me anymore, and I don't think I have feelings for her anymore, but then why the sex? It's all just so odd.
Not to mention, I've also been hooking up with Kim every now and then too recently. But I mean really recently. Like within the last week. I think we've had sex twice maybe? And I don't know if I should feel guilty about that? I kinda do, but I kinda don't. Because I feel like the sex me and Ti had was kinda a one time thing. Like break up sex slash good bye sex. I don't know. I probably do still have feelings for her, I mean it's Ti for christ's sake. I'm always gonna love her to some degree, I know that, but now we're just back to being friends. I don't know. It's just weird and confusing. As shit always is with us.
When me and Kim slept together again the first time, we had both gotten really drunk at one of her friend's parties. Although the second time, we were both completely sober. I wouldn't say I had feelings for Kim, I just don't think we're that compatible hence why we used to break up all the time, but I definitely like having sex with her so that's good. I'm also just certainly not ready to jump into another relationship anytime soon since I essentially just got out of a three and a half year one with a girl that I may or may not still love. Well, not essentially just got out, but recently. Too recently for my liking at least. I wonder if Ti's slept with anyone else? I would hope not. The thought of that makes my stomach churn. Hm. Maybe I do still love her. But she's gone now anyway, so it doesn't even matter.
. . .
After I got off the phone with Marshall, I went back into the bathroom to continue getting ready with Brandy and Dana. We were all wearing really cute, short dresses but mine was borrowed from Brandy. I really didn't have anything that was fancy or expensive enough, I thought, to go out to a New York New Year's party in. I quickly found out when I went and spent Christmas with Brandy's family that this girl's family was loaded. I guess it makes sense. Most people who attend Juilliard have to be loaded to be able to pay for it. So of course she had tons of designer stuff that I never in my life would have dreamed of wearing, and she was so generous in letting both me and Dana wear her stuff. While she was obviously very rich, she wasn't the obnoxious kind of rich. Nor was Devon, which I really appreciated.
Things between me and Devon have been going really well I think. He took me out on that date where we went to all the big tourist spots and it was absolutely amazing. He's really charismatic and charming and I absolutely love it. We've hung out another two times, one of which was just dinner and a movie, and the other one we went out to a fancy club. He seems to know a lot of other really rich people in New York, some of which are actually quite famous like basketball players, musicians, and actors. It was super cool meeting them, but it was also a little weird. This is not the life I ever imagined living, but I could definitely get used to it.
While I really liked Devon, I had yet to sleep with him. I had this feeling that I wanted to try something different with him. Me and Eric had slept together within the week that I had met him, and Marshall was just a whole other confusing and weird story, so with Devon I wanted to try and do it properly. He was really respectful of my decision, which I appreciated. We had still kissed, and had a few heavy make out sessions in his car and at the club, but nothing went further than that. Until tonight. I decided in my head that tonight I was gonna go back to his place and I was gonna sleep with him for the first time. I was nervous, I mean I hadn't slept with anyone since Marshall, and I had only slept with Marshall for three and a half fucking years, so of course I was nervous. But I was also really excited. It was so fresh and new, and I just knew it was gonna be perfect.
"Y'know Tiyana you should wear your hair up tonight. It hides your face too much." Dana said.
I laughed. "Yeah, I've been told that before."
"Ooh, we should do like a Tyra Banks pony on you!" Brandy said excitedly.
"Tyra Banks pony?" I asked confused.
"Girl you ain't seen her in that damn sleek ass pony? It's flipped out at the ends and her bangs are straight and to the side?" Brandy asked.
I shook my head. "No."
"Okay well let's do it anyway. You're gonna love it." Dana said and I laughed.
"Fine, whatever you want." I said as I sat down on the toilet seat cover and let them start to do my hair. It took forever, and they were yanking my head so many different ways I could have sworn they were gonna break my neck, but when they were finished it actually looked so amazing, and it looked even better with the dress I was wearing.
"See? Doesn't it look so pretty?" Dana asked as I looked in the mirror.
I giggled. "Okay ya'll were right. It looks really good."
"Stick with us girl, we got you." Brandy said at the same time there was a knock at the door. "That's probably Devon." Brandy said again.
"I'll get it." I said happily as I walked out of the bathroom.
"Mhmm, I'm sure you will." Brandy joked and I turned my head over my shoulder and jokingly stuck my tongue out at her. I opened the door revealing my extremely handsome fling? Boyfriend? Who knows. But he looked fine as all hell.
"Shit girl! Look at you." He smiled and reached for my hand. He raised it above my head and forced me to do a spin. I laughed and complied. "Damn, where'd the fuck this come from?"
I pointed towards my head. "It's the hair. Your sister did it."
"Well it looks fuckin' sexy." He said as he pulled me into him and softly kissed my lips.
I pulled away and smiled. "Uhm, what are you doing after the party?" I asked quietly so Dana or Brandy wouldn't hear me.
He shook his head. "Nothin', why?"
I got onto my tip toes and put my head right beside his ear. "Would you wanna hang out after? Alone?" I whispered.
"You mean at my place?" He whispered back and pulled away to look me in the eyes.
I nodded and smiled. "Yeah."
"Fuck it, can I take you there right now?" He joked and I laughed.
"No. But you can after."
"You make me so hard, you know that?" He whispered in my ear and I giggled.
"Good." I turned away from him and started walking back towards the bathroom. "We ready?" I asked the girls.
"Yeah I think so!" Brandy said and Dana nodded.
"Okay let's go then!" I said happily as I turned back around and walked towards the door once more. I grabbed Brandy's Louboutin's that she was allowing me to wear tonight and put them on. The girls followed my lead and we were out the door shortly after.
March, 1995
It was nearing the end of March, and I had just got home from work. It was a pretty slow day today which I was thankful for since I had stayed up really late last night writing. I had been writing like crazy recently since I just felt this random burst of inspiration and Doody had been pushing me really hard to start focusing more on actually writing, rather than just the battles. I agreed with him, since if I wanted to start working on an album this year that maybe I should start writing more. I had always been writing, but I was just doing it way more.
I had met a guy named Paul down at the shop who was actually from New York, but was such a fan of hip hop that he had wanted to come and check out the shop for years. I guess the shop was creating quite the name for itself in the underground hip hop community, so he had heard about it and wanted to come visit. I met him after I had finished battling that night and he asked me if I was planning on working on an album anytime soon. I said yeah, it was just a matter of when though. He told me that whenever I'm ready to start recording it to give him a call, and he'd start managing me which I thought was crazy. I couldn't believe I had someone approach me and ask to be my manager. It was cool as hell though, and it got me really excited that maybe I actually have something with this rap shit.
Since I had just gotten home from work, it was only three in the afternoon and Denaun wasn't supposed to be home until five and then I think we were all gonna go out tonight. I decided to have something to eat, and then maybe take a nap before we went out since I was so damn tired. As I was eating my shitty ramen noodles at the table and looking over my rhyme book, there was a loud pounding at the door that scared the shit out of me.
"Marshall! Are you home?" A voice that sounded like Kim's yelled.
"I'm comin'!" I yelled back as I placed down my fork and walked over to the door. I quickly unlocked it and swung it open. "Yo." I said mindlessly until I realized Kim's eyes were all swollen and puffy. "Shit, what's wrong?" My tone changed to empathetic.
"Can I come in?" She sniffled.
"Yeah, 'course." I moved out of the way and she nervously walked inside.
"What's up? You aight?" I asked cautiously from behind her.
"Marshall I'm pregnant." She blurted out as she turned around to face me.
"What?" I asked confused and she just nodded. "Wait what? The fuck you mean you're pregnant?"
"I mean I took three fucking tests and they all came back positive."
"Well fuck it take a fourth, there ain't no way you're pregnant!"
"I just got back from the doctor's Marshall, they confirmed it."
I shook my head. "I pull out every fucking time, what the fuck do you mean?!" I yelled.
"Please don't yell at me right now!" Her eyes began to well up for what looked like, not the first time today.
"I'm sorry I just- how?! Since when?!"
She shrugged and wiped at her tears. "They said I'm like three weeks along."
"Aight Kim, I ain't mean to be an asshole here, and I ain't gon' get mad if you say no 'cause we ain't even together, but are you sure it's really mine? Be honest."
She scoffed and rolled her wet eyes. "Yes I'm one million fucking percent sure it's yours." Her voice was tinged with attitude.
"Aight I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just had to ask." I trailed off and she nodded. "So, uhm, okay- well did the doctor tell you what your options are?" I asked as we both walked towards the couch.
"What do you mean what my options are? You got money for a fucking abortion?" She snapped at me as we sat down beside each other.
"No." I said quietly and shook my head.
"Yeah, me neither." Her voice still sounded annoyed and an awkward period of silence fell upon us.
"Fuck." I mumbled out as I leaned against the couch thinking of what the fuck to do.
"Yeah, 'fuck' is right." She agreed.
"Well what do we do now?"
She shook her head. "I don't know."
"I mean like- do you want a baby?"
"Do I have an option?"
"Well we could always adopt it out, y'know?"
"Fuck no. I ain't carryin' no damn baby inside me for nine months just to give it to some random fucking person that I don't know."
I rubbed my face with my hands. "Fuck, well what the fuck do we do?!"
She shrugged. "We have a fucking kid."
"Shit." I muttered as I dropped my head back towards the couch. "This is the worst fuckin' timing." She instantly slapped my shoulder with the back of her hand as hard as she could. "Ow! What the fuck?!" I snapped my head towards her.
"You're such a fucking asshole! As if this is just my fault?!" She yelled at me.
"Yo I ain't sayin' it is! I'm sayin' I'm fuckin' busy right now and I ain't got time for this shit!" I yelled back.
"I'm sorry your child is such a fucking inconvenience to you!" She yelled once more as she stood up.
"Kim I'm sorry! I ain't mean it like that!" I pleaded as she stormed out of the house. "Fuck!" I yelled as the door slammed shut. I threw my head against the couch once more and stayed there for what felt like forever with my mind running a mile a minute. I can't have a fucking kid right now, everything with my music was just taking off! I ain't got no damn money to raise a kid. Me and Kim aren't even together! How the fuck could I have been so stupid and careless? I was essentially fucking asking for it by just pulling out and not using condoms. But me and Ti used pull out for months with no issues! Oh my god Ti! What the fuck is Ti gonna think?! Three months after she leaves and I get someone fucking pregnant. Fuck! Shit! She's gonna hate me.
Hours must have passed, because when Denaun came home I was still sitting in the same spot on the couch just wondering how in the fuck I was gonna deal with this. "Yo." He said as he came in the door.
"Kim's pregnant." I blurted mindlessly while I stared at the ceiling.
"What?" He asked confused.
"Yup." I said while I continued staring upwards.
"What the fuck? What do you mean? Is she here?"
"Nope. We got into a fight and she left."
"Fuck dude..." He said empathetically as he came and sat on the opposite couch. "What are ya'll gonna do?"
I broke my gaze from the ceiling and looked at him. "What the fuck can we do? We can't afford an abortion and she ain't wanna give it up for adoption."
"Shit." He said quietly and I nodded. "Do you want a baby?"
I shrugged. "Not really. Not right now. I mean fuck, I had only ever thought about having kids with Ti. I kinda just had this idea in my head that when she moves back home, we'd get back together and she'd just eventually get pregnant."
He nodded. "So you ain't excited for this at all?"
I sighed. "I mean I am, it's my own fucking kid for christ's sake, but like fuck Denaun! What shitty fuckin' timing, y'know?"
"Yeah I feel you, that shit's rough." I nodded. "Gotta wear them fuckin' rubbers, dawg." He smirked telling me he was joking and I laughed. Thank god for my friends, I really don't know how i'd be able to handle this without them making jokes about it. It's truly so much easier to laugh at your shit than it is to cry over it. "Have you told anyone else?" He asked as he got up and walked towards the kitchen.
I shook my head. "I wanna call Ti but I'm nervous."
"Why? What's she got to be upset about?"
I sighed. "We fucked two days before she left."
"What?!" He yelled from the kitchen. Nobody knew about that. Ti never said anything, so neither did I. "Are you fuckin' serious?!"
"Swear to god."
"But ya'll ain't together right?"
"Nope."
"Well she can't get that mad then, you ain't cheat on her or nothin' so it is what it is. Plus Sharonda told me she's been seein' someone out there so it ain't just you fuckin' around."
"The fuck you mean Sharonda told you she's seein' someone?!" I yelled as I got off the couch.
"I mean Sharonda said she's been datin' some guy whose a basketball player? Or he knows basketball players? Somethin' like that."
"And none of ya'll ain't fuckin' tell me this?!"
"You was fuckin' Kim! And everybody thought that ya'll had been broken up for months now! Not that ya'll was still hookin' up randomly here and there."
"We wasn't hookin' up randomly! Fuck, it was a one time thing, it just happened and now we're in this weird situation and I feel like this Kim bein' pregnant shits just gonna make it so much worse but if she's seein' someone then fuck it, whatever!"
"I think you should still call her though. She deserves to hear it from you."
"Why? I had to find out about this random fuckin' guy from you didn't I?"
"Dawg it's different, you know it is."
"Fuck! Yeah i'll fuckin' call her." I said annoyed.
"Aight I'ma go take a shower. Are we still goin' out tonight?"
"I don't know, I should probably start savin' up my money to send the kid to college, don't ya think?" I joked.
Denaun laughed as he entered the bathroom. "Shut the fuck up."
I chuckled at myself as I grabbed the phone and started dialling Ti's number. I took a deep breath as it started ringing and of course someone who wasn't Ti answered. Does this girl ever answer the phone anymore? "Hello?"
"Yo, is Ti there?"
"Who is this?"
"Uh, Marshall. I'm her friend from Detroit."
"Mm. She's at class right now, can I take a message?"
"Nah, that's cool. Can you just tell her to call me? It's really impor-"
"Oh never mind she just walked through the door. Here she is."
A few seconds later Ti's voice came through. "Helloo?" She said happily.
"Yo it's me."
"How're you?" It sounded like she was smiling.
"Yeah, I'm good. Listen, can you get a lil privacy in that place at all?"
"Uhm, yes? Why?"
"Just do it."
"Okay?" She said confused. I heard her shuffle around a little and then what sounded like a door closing. "K, I'm alone."
"Aight, first of all, whose this guy you've been datin'?" I said with probably too much hostility for someone who was about to tell her I got somebody else pregnant, but fuck I wanted to know!
"Uhm, his names Devon." She said nervously.
"Uh huh, where'd you meet him?"
"He's Brandy's older brother."
"Older brother? How fuckin' old is he Ti?" I swear to god if she's back to fuckin' around with dudes twice her age I'm gonna lose it.
"He's 25! Brandy's only 20."
"How long have you been seein' him?" I asked still with that same hostility.
"Uh, not long..." Her voice returned to that same nervous tone. She's lying.
"How longs not long?"
"December." She mumbled.
"December?! When in December?!"
"You know what Marshall I don't think this is any of your business! We're not even together, nor were we when I started seeing him!"
"Nah but we fucked on the 29th of November so I figured you'd at least have the decency to not go out and get fuckin' railed mere weeks after?!"
"Why would I wait?! What was I waiting for?!"
"Clearly fuckin' nothin'."
"Sharonda told me you've been sleeping with Kim again? Wanna fucking talk about that?"
"Yeah and obviously you ain't fuckin' care if you knew 'bout it and ain't even say nothin'?!"
"What the fuck can I do about it Marshall?! I'm not gonna be hypocritical and tell you you can't when I'm sleeping with someone!"
"Well maybe just act like you fuckin' care for once!"
"Of course I care! That fucking sucked when she told me, but once again what the fuck can I do?! We're not together! You're allowed to do this shit, and so am I!"
I sighed deeply. "Aight well on that note I got somethin' to tell you."
"What?" She said uninterested.
I cleared my throat a little. "Uh... Kim's pregnant." I said quietly.
"Excuse me?!" She yelled. "From you?!"
"I guess so." I said awkwardly.
"And you have the goddamn nerve to get mad at me over Devon when you're having a whole fucking kid?!"
"I'm sorry..." I mumbled.
"When?!"
"When what?"
"What did it fucking happen?!"
"Well she said she was three weeks along, so I guess three weeks ago."
"Are you two dating?!"
"No."
"So three weeks ago, you fucked a girl that you're NOT dating raw, and were stupid enough to shoot your shit off inside her?!"
"Yo we fucked raw before we were dating!" I defended myself.
"Yeah and we were like 18 and fucking stupid! You're 23 Marshall! Grow the fuck up!"
"I think I was drunk that night, I don't know!"
"Then stop getting so fucking drunk! Do you not care about your future?! What the fuck are you gonna do about your music now?!"
"The fuck do you mean?! I'm still gonna do it, Ti!"
"How the fuck are you gonna afford studio time while you're tryna pay for diapers?!"
"Wow you really got zero fuckin' faith in me, don't you?" I said with hurt in my voice.
"Of course I have faith in you! I have all the faith in the world for you, you're so fucking talented! But Marshall, kids like us can't afford to be making these kinds of mistakes. All we have is our talents to get us into a different life. That's it. There's no trust fund, there's no rich parents for us to fall back on, and if we throw away the one thing we do have we're left in the exact same position as our parents. You know that."
"I ain't throwin' anything away Ti." I said quietly.
"Good. I hope you don't. That would be the ultimate heartbreak for me." Her voice was stern and then the line quickly went dead. Fuck. I brought the phone down from my ear and stared at it for a moment until I hung it back up on the hook.
She's right. I can't let this derail me. I have to keep pushing otherwise I will end up in the same position as my entire fucking family, and I will be damned if I let that happen. Especially not now with a baby. Now I need to push harder than ever.