STELLA/CHARMAINE
I fall back on JP's bed, chuckling as I hold my hands over my chest; my heart is still beating quickly.
My mind is racing as I lift my hands to my head, and then I press a hand to my warm face. I don't know if I'm mad or happy that Joey barged in when he did. I'm still trying to recover from what JP and I were doing before we were interrupted.
I head to his bathroom to splash some water on my face, and the cold water snaps my thoughts to focus. I look at my reflection in the mirror; my face has more color at this moment than it has over the last few weeks. My skin is flushed, with my lips pink and slightly swollen.
I let myself get so carried away, but what scares me the most is that I wanted it to happen, and it didn't feel wrong, but it's JP.
The irresistible pull towards him was overwhelming, and I didn't want to fight it anymore. When I kissed him, I couldn't stop, and I wanted more of him and wanted to be as close to him as I possibly could be.
He was so gentle with his touch and almost hesitant when I wanted him to touch me initially. However, his strong hands lit fires throughout my skin, and his mouth left tingling sensations in its wake; remembering how he had my breasts in his mouth; I feel the tightness growing in my belly again, just by the memory alone.
I need to stop. I need to think this out. Am I really ready to go all the way? And with JP? What would happen afterward? Would we still be friends? Only friends? Do I want more? What if he doesn't? I start to panic as I think of all the different questions and scenarios.
I can't think clearly with his scent so strong surrounding me, clouding my thoughts; I should get out of his room. I need to call Annalisa; she'll help me know what to do.
I hurry out of JP's room, running to my room closing the door behind me. Zeus and Ares lift their heads from where they are lying on my bed, and I pull out my phone to call her; I don't even know what time it is.
"Char? Is everything okay?"
"Annalisa, I need you. Can you come over, please?" I plead.
I start to pace in my room, hoping she gets here before JP comes looking for me; I don't know if I want to pick up where we left off. I run my hands through my hair, slightly pulling at it, wondering how I got myself in this situation.
I wish my mamma were here, right now. The only thing I can remember her telling me when I was young and not into boys then was to be cautious with love. It's a powerful emotion and sometimes can hurt, but it can give you strength like nothing else with the right person, but is this what love feels like?
Wait. Love? What am I saying?
I mean, I love JP; he's my best friend but do I love him that way? My mom would be able to explain to me how it feels if she was here with me.
Thinking of her reminds me of my dad, and I feel my eyes burn with tears. This is the longest I've gone without thinking of him, and I push the heel of my hands to my eyes.
I don't want to start bawling my eyes out again, or I might not be able to stop considering all the other emotions I'm feeling right now; I take few deep breaths to calm down.
Maybe I should find Carmela, but then I risk the chance of running into JP, and I'm such a mess right now. Plus, I don't know how she'd react to my telling her about what I'm confused about, especially if I tell her JP is involved.
As more and more time goes by, I'm steadily growing anxious that JP will come looking for me.
A knock on the door jolts me out of my racing thoughts.
What if it's JP?
I move to my door carefully, telling myself not to be a coward, and take a deep breath as I put my hand on the doorknob.
"Charmaine?"
It's Annalisa!
I breathe a sigh of relief, pull the door open, and launch myself at her, hugging her tightly. Annalisa laughs and hugs me back. "Well, hello to you too!" She pulls away and looks at me with worried eyes. "What's going on?"
I pull her into my room before I say anything, shutting the door behind us. I turn to look at her and blurt out, "I made out with JP again!"
She looks at me for a moment before she bursts out laughing. It takes her a few minutes to stop when she sees the look on my face. "I'm sorry, Char, but really? That's why you called me to come over? Why couldn't you tell me that over the phone?"
I walk towards the balcony door to let the cool night air in; I'm feeling hot and embarrassed by how Annalisa reacted to my confession but more so because I need to tell her what else happened for her to understand why I called her.
I turn to face her and see she's sitting on my bed, petting Zeus and Ares. I make my way to sit next to her, and I take a deep breath. "That's not all that happened..."
Her eyes widen, and I unload everything that took place. I let her know that I was the one who initiated it, to begin with, and how Joey unknowingly intruded on us.
Except for a few gasps and facial reactions, she stayed pretty quiet throughout the detailed recant of what happened.
"He asked me to wait for him in his room, and well, the more I sat and thought about what we were doing, the more I panicked and left, and then I called you."
"Wow, I mean, who knew you'd have it in you, Char. You got some bold moves, girl." Annalisa smiles. "But in all seriousness, how do you feel? Do you have regrets? Is that what's going on?"
I explain that despite me freaking out now, it felt exciting, thrilling, and I felt happy during the whole encounter. Mixed in with nervousness as I've never done anything like that before.
But JP made me feel safe and wanted, and it felt right with him. "He was so considerate, asking me if I was sure and if...you know, he could...do things," I say the last part quietly.
"Okay, so what are you worried about exactly? It seems like you both were doing what you both wanted, right?" She asks me, still confused by my reaction.
I sigh as I stand, running a hand through my hair, "Yes, I think it felt like that for him too, but what happens afterward? I've never been with anyone before, and he's been with who knows how many girls? Am I just going to be another girl he's messed around with?"
The thought of him having other girls in his bed makes my stomach turn uneasy. "But then again, do I want more? He's starting to get more involved with my Uncle's business, and I'm leaving or will be leaving for Paris in a few months. I mean, that's still up in the air, right now. But why jump into something when we don't even know what's going to happen next?"
She grabs my hand, squeezing it. "Take a deep breath, Char. You're overthinking it. I understand where you are coming from, I do. But sometimes, things like this happen because they're supposed to happen.
I didn't want to say anything sooner because I didn't want you to freak out, but I overheard what Vince told you that weekend, on your birthday. How he told you JP's crazy about you and that you might be too, about him but don't realize it, and I think he's right." Annalisa smiles softly at me.
"Yes, JP's always been overprotective about you, but the more I watch him around you, I think it's more. And you clearly have feelings for him—you wouldn't do what you did with just anybody, Char.
You guys should definitely talk, but I think if anything happens, it's because it's supposed to. And everything else will work itself out. So don't be afraid to be happy, especially with what you've been through."
I nod and watch as she bites her lip almost nervously, like she wants to say something else.
"What is it?" I ask her.
"What? Oh, nothing, I just worry about you, girl." She says and pats my hand.
A knock at the door has us both looking in that direction. The look on my face must have registered my anxiety. "I'll tell him I needed to talk to you tonight, but don't push him away, Char." I nod, whispering thank you to her.
She opens the door, and I see as JP's face lights up for a moment and immediately falls when he sees Annalisa at the door. His eyebrows come together, and he looks past her, locking eyes with me.
"Um, can I talk to you, Char?"
"I really need to talk to her right now, JP. Can you talk to her tomorrow?" Annalisa answers for me.
JP's eyes move to look at her for a moment before returning his gaze to me. "I'm leaving in the morning on a business trip, and I wanted to talk to you before I left."
His eyes never leave mine and watch me as I stand and move around the bed, stepping a little closer to the door. "I'll talk to you before you go, I promise." I give him a small smile.
His dark eyes watch me for a moment longer before he gives me a slight nod, glaring slightly at Annalisa as he turns to walk away. Annalisa shuts the door and walks back to me.
"Well, I'm pretty sure if he could kill me with his looks, I'd be six feet under right about now." She laughs as she hugs me. "But seriously, don't push him away because of your doubts. JP is a good guy, a little intense at times but a good guy."
I hug her in return, feeling grateful for her being there for me. "Thank you. What would I do without you?"
"Probably live a pretty boring life and not get into much trouble." I laugh at her response, knowing she's probably not lying.
That night, I don't have the same nightmare about my dad that's been waking me up for the last month; instead, I dream of dark, beautiful brown eyes and slow hands caressing me with strong arms, holding me tightly.
<><><><>
I wake up feeling rested, and I stretch my hands over my head, smiling lazily as I roll over to check the time on my phone, but then I sit up quickly in shock.
11:30 a.m.!
Immediately, I think of JP and hurry out of bed. I rush out of my room, running to his side of the house to get to his bedroom. I practically slam into his door from sliding in my socks.
I knock a few times, and when I don't hear anything, I turn the doorknob and look inside. His bed is made and empty. Crap! I hope I didn't miss him before his flight.
I curse myself for not asking him what time he'd be leaving as I run to the kitchen, hoping he's there by some miracle. But I only find Carmela prepping for lunch.
I see Zeus and Ares are doing some drills and training out in the back lawn from the windows and doors at the back of the house.
I wonder who let them out of my room.
"How are you, dolcezza?" Carmela asks me as I walk in, looking further into the dining room. "Charmaine? Are you okay?" She follows up when I don't answer right away.
I turn back to face her. "Have you seen JP?"
"John Paul left, cara. Around eight in morning."
I groan as I sit at the counter, putting my head on the cold granite. Great. I missed him, and he probably thinks I avoided him. I move my head up, holding it in my hands, and see Carmela is watching me with her eyebrows raised as she kneads dough.
"What's wrong, Charmaine?"
"Nothing, I just really needed to talk to JP before he left, and I overslept," I explain.
"You needed rest. John Paul understands. He be in Chicago soon. You can call him, no?"
I nod and head back to my room. I sit on my bed, look up my contact list for JP's name, and smile when the nickname I still have him saved under, 'drama queen,' comes up.
I should probably change that, but I hit the contact, and the call goes immediately to voicemail. He must still have it turned off. I decide to text him, so he sees it when he turns his phone back on.
*Hey, I'm sorry I overslept this morning. I really wanted to talk to you. I hope you had a good flight. I'll try you again later.*
I include a smiley face emoji blowing a kiss, and then I immediately regret it. That was probably too much. I groan as I fall back on my bed; I need to stop overthinking everything.
I decide to get dressed to go for a run around the compound. When I make my way out the back terrace, I see Zeus and Ares trotting over to me, and they greet me with their usual bumping into my legs and taking turns going through them. "Okay boys, I'm going for a run if you want to join me."
I start moving away from them, and they follow, trotting on either side of me. My legs start burning quickly due to my recent inactivity; I need to work my way back up to my usual stamina.
For a moment, I think I should just stop and try another day again, but I know if I don't push through it, I won't try again for a while.
After some time, I find my stride and maintain a pace that feels comfortable without pushing myself too hard. Then, after a couple of laps, I slow down to a walking pace and cool down to slow my heart rate.
Zeus and Ares stayed in the kitchen to drink water while I headed to the gym, and I decided to lift weights. I know I've lost some of my body mass and tone because of my limited eating and lack of appetite over the last few weeks.
I head back to my room to take a shower afterward but groan out loud when I see I missed two calls and a text from JP.
I open the text message:
"Hey. The flight was good. Don't worry about it. I have meetings the rest of the day."
I try calling him anyway, but it goes straight to voicemail again.
I send him another text:
"I swear I'm not avoiding you JP, I went out for a run, around the property, then to the gym, and I left my phone in my room. I'll try you later tonight...Xx"
I sigh again, grab some clean clothes, and head to the shower, hoping this uneasy feeling goes away.
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