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. . . I have a fear of intimate moments, if you're around why am I down. . .
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CHAPTER 36
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The raindrops hit softly against the wide windows, pleasingly ruining the comfortable silence in my room. For the first time in a while I had the black thick curtains pushed aside from the glass doors of the balcony. The lamps on my bedside tables were on, illuminating soft yellow light enough to brighten up the room just a little bit. A soft chill music played from my phone, accompanied by the relaxing sound of the rain, it was a nice change from my hoe-anthems-playlist.
I looked up without raising my head from Jaemin's chest as it slowly and calmly moved up and down with his breaths. His blue eyes immediately locking with mine as he hummed questioningly. His long fingers brushed a strand of hair from my face while he kept staring lovingly down at me with a small obviously happy and relieved smile. And no, this time I hated the thought of me possibly bringing it down from his gorgeous face. Although even after the explanation he gave me about his family and Sunwoo, I felt like something was missing, not all puzzle pieces fit perfectly together. But I never brought the uneasy feeling up.
"Umm... Jaemin...?" I finally spoke up, silently and unsure, receiving another low hum. "About the money you owe him..."
"Don't worry about it, I already fixed that." He flashed me his angelic smile, patting my hair softly with his hand when I looked at him blinking my eyes in confusion. "As you said, nothing escapes Taeyong. He learned the truth behind my name way before you did– Aw what was that for?!" He pulled his arm away as I slapped it, realizing I've been threatening him with something that has already happened and I didn't even know. Was I that stupid and naive?
I sighed. "Nothing..." At least his problem was fixed.
"I was so weirded out though. Taeyong doesn't look nice at all, yet he gave me the money after only a few extra missions even though I didn't ask him for it."
"So that's why you were here so often these past few days." He chuckled with a slow nod. "Taeyong may look scary and act tough, but he's actually a softie." Now I chuckled at the thought of the hidden side of the leader.
I took his hand in mine, intertwining our fingers with no reason at all, I just felt like holding it out of the blues. Besides finding it hard to keep my head off of the weird letters, my thoughts ran wild with guilt for a while until I decided to speak, heaving a deep sigh beforehand while I drew lines and circles on Jaemin's shirt with my index finger.
"I'm sorry..." I mumbled under my breath, breaking the silence in the room again.
He hummed once more, wrinkles showing on his forehead as he furrowed his eyebrows while staring at me in confusion. He grabbed my chin softly, forcing me to look up at his eyes. "What are you apologizing for, love?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't trust you." I murmured weakly again, lowering my eyes from his as I let my mouth speak without even thinking. Just freeing my chest from all the guilt that kept me restless since the morning. "I'm sorry I was being a bitch and I didn't accept your feelings sooner and I ended up hurting you and–"
–And I was shut up. My lips got captured between his so easily, making me lose myself in no time. My eyelids closed down as I moved my lips in sync with his. Both of my hands got stuck under his on the bed as he hovered over me, leaving me little to no space to move.
My heart skipped a beat, I didn't really panic from the lack of space between us. Or maybe I did panic for a second, but tried not to think about it. I pushed the memories to the back of my mind, ignoring them for as long as I could. If I let myself stay trapped in my past, I could never move on. So I tried to not think about it. Maybe the position I was in was oh so familiar, but the person I was with was completely different. This time I wasn't forced into anything. When it's Jaemin, I wanted it.
He broke the kiss for a second, making me open my eyes again just to stare at his more, taking their beauty in, memorizing every single line of his orbs again and again as if it was my last time seeing them. But this thing between us just started, I knew I'd have so much time to stare at him, so many days and nights to have him for myself.
Leaving my thoughts aside, I focused on his slow breaths against my face. My eyes lowered down, staring at his lips with lust and desire making my stomach overfill with imaginary butterflies. In the meantime burying my fingers in his hair as I slowly pulled him closer to my face until our lips touched again, ever so softly.
"Soji dinner is–" I jumped, startled, pushing Jaemin off of me reflexively. The sound of the door slamming against the wall giving me one heart attack before Jina's voice gave me another one, making my heart thump loudly against my ribcage. "Oh damn!! You should at least lock the door if you're planning to–"
I threw the closest pillow at her face to shut her up although she easily dodged it, leaving it flying out through the door frame and landing in the hallway behind her. "Maybe you should learn to knock on my door before coming in instead?!" I screamed at the redhead before shooting a glare at a chuckling Jaemin overhearing our conversation so obviously.
"Yeah, whatever. Come downstairs for dinner! You have the whole night ahead of you for playtime." She winked with a teasing smirk, throwing the black velvet pillow back at my face before storming out as fast as she got in, leaving me cursing her for ruining the beautiful moment I could afford once in a lifetime.
I looked back at Jaemin again, with a dissatisfied frown when he got up from the bed and pulled my hand up after him, ignoring my whining to stay in bed instead of eat. Well, maybe he was right to force me out of bed. I've skipped so many meals this past week that the weight loss already started showing on my face.
"Hey give me that back!! You literally took it from my plate asshole!!"
"Jina language!!!"
"Sorry Doyoung, but this idiot stole my steak and it's the last one!!"
"Kids, kids! Chill out, I'm bringing more." The brunette girl chuckled as she put another full pot of meat on the table, shutting down the evil dolphin laughter.
The atmosphere in the mansion was as chaotic as ever. Jaemin pulled me behind him as he entered the dinning room. Almost everyone were already in there, sitting on their places, except for Dayeon, Doyoung and Jaehyun that were still bringing dishes from the kitchen. Although Jina, Jisung and Chenle's plates were already filled, they hadn't started eating. I guess all of them were waiting for everyone to gather which didn't usually happen.
I noticed three extra chairs. I've been in my room the whole day with Jaemin, so I hadn't noticed when Renjun and Jeno had came until I saw them walking in the dining room with Mark, seconds after Jaemin and I did. I glanced behind me, locking my eyes with the ravenette's while his laughter slowly died. His ocean eyes staring at my hand intertwined with Jaemin's and he just smiled at me forcefully before passing by and taking a seat at the table, not saying another word or even glancing at me again during the dinner.
What was wrong with that guy, I couldn't read him at all. He tended to have awful mood swings around me, especially when Jaemin was present too.
"Hey, love? Are you okay? You're spacing out, you haven't eaten anything at all." I looked next to me while mouthing a soft 'huh?' until my brain processed what he was saying to me. I glanced at my plate. The knife and the fork were still in each of my hands, my plate was full and almost all of the eyes in the room were glued to me, some in curiosity, some in worry and Mark's completely blank and unreadable.
I looked back at Jaemin with a smile, a soft low chuckle escaping my throat as I patted his cheek with my thumb. "Don't worry, love, I told you earlier, I'm just not hungry, that's all." Jaemin narrowed his eyes suspiciously, just to let me know that he didn't believe in that at all, but still continued his meal without forcing me to speak or eat too.
"Did Kim Soji actually sincerely smile just now?!" Jisung's voice forced me to break the sweet eye contact I shared with Jaemin and glare at him instead.
"Yap, we haven't seen that happen ever, have we?" Chenle smirked back at him before shoving a piece of meat in his own mouth like he hasn't seen meat ever before.
"Nope, you haven't." Jina happily smiled. Seeing me smile seemed to get to her the most in the whole house.
"Shut up you littlle brats!" I spoke loud enough to outspeak them before taking a piece of the food myself.
"Or maybe we were hallucinating–"
A chair was pulled backwards, cutting off Jisung's sentence. A raven haired standing up from his chair gained all the attention in the room. Mark stood up first from the table, which rarely happened and he hadn't eaten anything at all. I raised a questionable eyebrow as he cleared his throat before excusing himself and leaving the room saying that he had some work to finish, though even Taeyong seemed to doubt that, but didn't say a word.
I sighed silently, trying not to gain any attention to mysself. His silence annoyed me. Whenever he had something bothering him, he shut everyone out even though he was one of the people that forced me to share my problems.
I cursed in my head.
At the end, before it was too late, I found myself standing up from the table ignoring the suspecting comments that followed after Mark left and I rushed out after him, hoping that he hasn't left the house yet. "Excuse me for a second guys."
I didn't even pay attention to the looks I got as I walked out and rushed through the hallway, reaching the main door just in time as it squeacked open. "Mark!"
He stopped moving and stood still with his back facing me for a moment before I spoke again. "What's wrong?"
This time he turned around, obviously giving his all to not roll his eyes at me. His voice oddly cold, maybe unintentionally. "Nothing you should worry about. I see you've finally settled for one person. Is it official?" Mark raised a questioning eyebrow. He looked upset, yet giving his all not to argue with me. If he even had a reason to do so. But yet again, I didn't have a reason to be upset when he showed up with that blondie the other day and I still couldn't control my anger.
Sometimes I deeply wondered what kind of a relationship we were in. What exactly I felt for him, what he actually thought of me. We were so close, he knew things about me no one else knew. But sometimes I felt like I didn't know him at all. When it came to my knowledge of him, he was a complete stranger to me. Maybe that was the enormous gap separating the two of us. Even if I wanted us to work, we could've never been more than just friends.
I stepped closer, stopping two steps away from him and I forced a barely visible smile as I answered, scratching the nape of my neck. "I guess I won't be fucking around anymore." I chuckled. "Are you satisfied with the way I live my life now?" Then I raised an eyebrow, knowing that he was the one that wanted me to end the hoeing around the most. But he didn't look satisfied at all. Instead, he seemed disappointed.
He looked down pulling the door opened before throwing me one last neutral glance over his shoulder. "I should be..."
The door closed, leaving me standing in the main hall alone, feeling uneasy and doubtful about my own feelings. If things had been the other way around, why was I so sure that I'd probably react the same way, maybe even worse?
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To be continued. . .