Hi! Just wanted to give another trigger warning since we are still dealing with depression, thoughts of suicide, etc. in this chapter. So as always please do not read if you are uncomfortable or not in the right headspace!!
continuation of December, 1991
I hadn't slept a wink the entire night. After Marshall went into our room, I wanted so badly to go be beside him and comfort him, but Denaun told me to just let him be for the night. He was scaring me with the way he was acting and Denaun saw that. I know Marshall would never purposefully hurt me or anything, and Denaun knew that too, but this was a side of him that neither of us had ever seen before so we were both just trying to gauge how best to deal with it. We both wanted to support him, so we decided the best thing to do was to just leave him alone for the night and let him settle down.
I know he wasn't angry at me per se, he was just misdirecting his anger and confusion and I just happened to be the person standing in front of him. But it was still scary. He had never screamed like that at me before, and I had never seen him hit anything, inanimate objects or not, out of anger. It was all just so new, so in part of leaving him be, I decided to sleep, or try to sleep, on the couch and Denaun went back to his room. Denaun had tried to give me his room and said he would sleep on the couch, but if Marshall needed anything I didn't want him to have to come looking for me and get in a panic that maybe he thought I wasn't here. I wanted to be in a place where he could easily find me, so the couch was the best option.
He never came out of his room once though, and now it was 8:30am. I was supposed to work this morning at ten, but obviously there was no way I was going now. So, since I couldn't sleep anyway, I got up and called the studio to let them know I wouldn't be in today, and probably not for the rest of the week due to a death in the family. They were completely understanding and told me to take as much time as I needed which I appreciated, since I really just wanted to be able to gauge how Marshall was doing before I decided to go back.
After I called my work, I figured Marshall was gonna need to eat. I decided to start making just some eggs, bacon, and toast since it was the easiest. Denaun woke up half way through me making it and neither of us said a word to each other except a small 'morning'. He just sat on the couch while I cooked and he didn't even turn the TV on or anything, we just stayed in silence as the grease from the bacon crackled.
I finished cooking a little past ten. I plated Denaun's and brought it to him on the couch. He gave me a quiet 'thanks' and I just nodded back. I went back and plated Marshall's but I was unsure if I should go wake him up and bring it to him, or if I should wake him up and make him come out here, or if I should leave him alone completely. I decided I should at least go in there and make sure he's okay since like I said, I hadn't seen him or heard anything from him since last night. I left the plate out in the kitchen incase he wanted to come out and eat with us and then started making my way over.
Denaun watched me as I gently creaked the door open and poked my head in. I saw Marshall fast asleep, barely even on the bed. He was sleeping on his side with his legs dangling off the edge. He wasn't under the blankets or anything and I immediately felt tears start to well up. I stepped inside the room and closed the door behind me. I tried my best to blink away the tears since I really didn't want him to see me crying and then went and laid down beside him.
As the bed moved while I started getting on it, Marshall immediately popped up since I think I scared him. "Hey hey, it's okay. It's just me." I said softly as I put my hand on his shoulder to comfort him.
He squeezed his swollen and red eyes shut as hard as he could and then rubbed his face with his hands. "What time is it?" He asked in a sleepy voice.
"Ten. I made breakfast if you're hungry."
He nodded. "Thanks." I gave him a little smile and gently moved my hand to his hand as an awkward silence fell upon us. "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday." He said in a monotone voice.
I shook my head. "It's okay." He just nodded once more and then pulled his hand from mine as he got up and went out to the kitchen, leaving me alone in the room. A few seconds later I got off the bed and followed him out. I saw him grab his plate and then plop himself down at the kitchen table. Everything was completely silent and nobody said a word. I decided to just go plate myself some food and then clean up before I ate.
I was putting the pan that I had cooked the bacon and the eggs on in the sink, and it was making a lot of noise as a cast iron pan on a ceramic sink does. "God Ti can you shut the fuck up?! Why you gotta fuckin' do that right now?!" Marshall snapped at me.
I paused, surprised that he had snapped at me like that. "I'm sorry." I said quietly as I turned the water off and just left the pan in the sink.
"She's just cleanin' dawg..." Denaun said awkwardly.
"Just be fuckin' quiet! Please!" He yelled as he got up from the table and stormed back into our room. He slammed the door shut just as he had done yesterday and me and Denaun both just stared at the closed door.
I cleared my throat in attempt to relieve the awkwardness and went and got his plate from the table. "It's not your fault, Ti." Denaun said.
I nodded and placed the plate gently on the counter as I blinked tears away. "I know." I said in a shaky voice. I leaned against the counter trying my best to collect myself before I went out and sat with Denaun, and then a few moments after I took a deep breath and grabbed my plate. I went to the other couch and started mindlessly picking at my food. Neither of us said anything more so Denaun just flipped on the TV and turned the volume really low to try and help with the deafening silence I'm sure.
An hour and a half passed and then Denaun got up to start getting ready. I think he had to work today, I don't know for sure though. Still none of us said anything to one another. I just stayed put in front of the TV trying my best to melt my brain. Half hour later Denaun had showered and came out dressed in new clothes. "Aight I gotta go to work." He said.
I nodded. "Okay. Have a good day."
"Do you know if DeShaun or any of them know?" He asked.
"Shit, no they probably don't. I'll call them."
He nodded. "Yeah, do that. I don't think you should be alone with him right now, get DeShaun to come over or somethin' if he ain't workin' today."
"He's not gonna do anything to me, Denaun."
"Nah, I know that. But you just shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself. We all need to be supporting each other right now."
I gave him a sad smile. "Yeah I agree. I'll call them."
"Aight, dope. If you need anything call my work."
"Okay I will."
"Aight. Peace." He said as he opened the front door and walked out of it. I sighed to myself and looked back at the TV thinking of if I should call them now or a little later. No, I should do it now. Ronnie was their friend too. I got up and made way to the phone and wondered who I should phone first. I decided on DeShaun and dialled his number. DeShaun was of course at work, just like Denaun had suspected, so I told Pepper instead. She was obviously distraught and bursted out into tears, which caused me to burst into tears. We sat on the phone just crying with each other until we both collected ourselves a little bit. She said she was gonna tell DeShaun when he gets home from work, and she was also gonna call Sharonda and my mom and tell them so I didn't have too.
After me and Pepper got off the phone, I continued on down the list of Rufus, Karnail, and Ondre all of who were at work except for Rufus. Rufus said he'd come over right away and I figured we'd just tell the others whenever they got off work. About an hour later I was done all my phone calls, and Sharonda essentially ran through the door which I definitely wasn't expecting. She instantly pulled me into a huge hug and was crying hard. I just hugged her back until she was able to regain her composure a little bit and then I asked her if she could wait for Rufus to get here while I went and checked on Marshall. It had been almost three hours, and was now about 1:30pm, so I figured I should just make sure he was okay again.
I poked my head in the room once again and this time saw him laying normally on the bed and under the covers, just staring at the roof. "Hey." I said quietly as I walked in and shut the door behind me.
"Please lay with me." He said in that same monotone voice I had become familiar with this morning.
"Okay." I said softly again and went and crawled in with him. He immediately pulled me into him so I was essentially laying completely over top of him and both of his arms were wrapped around me. I had my face in the crook of his neck and I was surrounded by my favourite scent.
We laid in silence for about ten minutes until he broke it. "I didn't mean to snap at you."
I shook my head slightly against him. "It's fine." He didn't say anything more and then a few moments later I heard him sniffle and I knew he was crying. "Come here baby." I said as I rolled off of him onto my side, and wrapped both of my arms and legs around him as he gripped my sides tighter and cried into my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair gently and tears began to flow from my eyes again.
"I just don't fuckin' understand why Ti?!" He cried out.
I shook my head again and tried my best to wipe away my tears so I could see more clearly. "I don't know baby."
"I tried everything I fuckin' could! I knew he was depressed but I didn't think it was like that! He never said a god damn word about wanting to die, he would just tell me he didn't like his life!"
"It's not your fault, Marshall." I said in between my tears as I squeezed him tightly.
"Yes it fuckin' is! I was the only fuckin' person he talked to and I ain't fuckin' see it!"
"You couldn't have seen it, how could you have known he was gonna do that if he didn't say anything?"
"I should have fuckin' known! Fuck I'm such a shitty fuckin' person, what the fuck is wrong with me?!"
"Baby you're not. I promise you're not. Please don't think that."
"I don't get it Ti." He sobbed. "I don't, fuck... I don't fuckin' get it."
"I don't get it either." I said weakly. We continued laying there and crying together on and off for who knows how long, going in and out of consciousness every so often until around five which is when I realized Sharonda and Rufus were probably still sitting in the living room, and had been for hours. Marshall was sleeping so I left him be and went to go and talk to them. They were both just sitting on the couch watching TV, patiently waiting for us, and just being such good friends. I felt bad for making them just stay out here all day, so I told them they could go but of course they denied. That was fine by me, but I told them I was gonna go back in and just stay with Marshall as long as he wanted me too and they said it was no problem. So, I went back into the room and me and Marshall stayed put for the rest of the night.
. . .
It was about a week and a bit later and it was the day of Ronnie's funeral. I quite literally couldn't bring myself to go. I couldn't get out of bed. I haven't been able to get out of bed at all over the last little while. All I do is cry, lay in bed, and contemplate why I'm even here anymore. What's the point now? Is there a point? I don't think so. I don't see one. At least not now anyway. I love my life, or I did. I couldn't love it anymore, not without Ronnie being here. Now I hate it, and all I want is to be with Ronnie again. I'd give up truly fucking anything to see him again, and that's not an exaggeration.
He did it with a gun, I could do that I think. Ronnie was a much more gentle person that I am, if he could do it with a gun, I totally could. And honestly at this point, why the fuck not? What else do I have to live for now? Not much. Ti, maybe? But all I do nowadays is yell and scream at her, tell her I hate her and that I don't want her around. And then in the same breath, I turn around and ask her to lay with me, and beg her not to leave me. I know it's confusing and hurting her, fuck it's confusing and hurting me, but I just can't help it. I get so angry and don't want anyone around, and then I get so sad and all I want is for her to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. She's been unbelievably amazing about it though, and honestly I have no idea why she's still here with me, but she just tells me she knows I don't mean it when I get angry with her for no reason and she's right, I don't. But I don't think it makes it any less hurtful. I never wanted to be a source of hurt for her, but yet here I am. Doing the exact thing that I said i'd never do to her. It makes me sick, but not as sick as not having Ronnie here.
I think a lot about what would happen to Nate if I were to do what Ronnie did. If I'm being truly honest, he's the only reason why I'm still here. As much as I love Ti, DeShaun, and everybody else, they're just not enough for me to wanna be here anymore. But Nate is. I could never leave Nate alone with my mom, I had to grow up alone with my mom, and I would have killed to have someone protect me from her when I was his age. I'm the only protection he has, he needs me. And clearly I need him, otherwise I wouldn't be here.
I've been talking to Ti about suicide a lot whenever we're just laying in bed together, and I think it's worrying her, but I just can't hold these thoughts in. I have so many questions. I have so many questions about just death in general. What happens after you die? Does suicide affect what happens after you die? Why do people choose one method over another when they attempt? Why do some attempts work and some don't? Is there some higher power choosing who's attempts will work and who's wont? What were Ronnie's last thoughts? What were his last words? How long had he been thinking about it? Why did I never catch on? Sometimes I even wonder what he looked like. I try not to imagine it though, because the last few times I have I've immediately vomited. I know it's unhealthy to do that, but those first few times I just couldn't help it. It's almost like I wanted to experience every single thing Ronnie did in those last few moments. I need to know what he felt emotionally and physically. Ti says she thinks I'm becoming obsessed with suicide and death, I don't think so. I'm just confused, and I need to know more.
As I said previously, I didn't go to Ronnie's funeral today, and by proxy Ti didn't either. Everybody else went though which I thought was nice, but I felt bad that Ti didn't get to go. I know she wanted to, but she refused to leave me alone. I sorta snapped at her again for not leaving me alone and not trusting me, so she had just been sitting out in the living room watching what sounded like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I could hear her laugh every so often, and honestly it gave me a little bit of peace to listen to her laugh. She has the best laugh in the world, i'd burn that shit onto a cassette tape if I could.
Hearing her giggle just made me wanna hold her, and I was honestly getting kinda sick of just sitting and thinking about death constantly, it's exhausting. So I pushed the covers off of me and slowly got out of bed. I opened the door and her head turned towards me as she heard it creak.
"Hey sleepy head." She gave me a gentle smile and I immediately felt like such an asshole for being so mean to her today. I didn't say anything back, and just walked over to the couch she was laying down on. I laid myself down over top of her and rested my head on her stomach. I wrapped my arms around her torso and snuggled in as best I could. "Oh." She giggled lightly as I laid down. I don't think she was expecting me to do that. She just wrapped her arms around my neck in response and kissed the top of my head. "You okay?" She asked as she ran her fingers through my hair.
"Keep laughing." I mumbled against her lower rib cage.
"What?" Her voice was confused.
"Laugh again. It helps."
She paused for a few moments, I'm sure she was still confused as to what I was asking from her. "Ha ha ha?" She laughed awkwardly. I cracked a little smile at her weird attempt. "Ha ha ha ha ha!" She forced another awkward laugh which made me chuckle. She heard me start to laugh a little bit, so she kept going. "HA HA HA HA!" She yelled and my chuckles turned into more of an actual laugh which caused her to start to actually laugh as well. "Was that good?" She asked as we were still laughing together.
"No, you suck." I joked.
She gasped jokingly as if she was offended. "How dare you, I tried my hardest!"
I let out a few more little laughs. "I know. Thank you."
She sighed as she collected herself and gently rubbed my back. "It's good to hear you laugh again."
I inhaled deeply as I moved my head on her stomach from my left cheek to my right one. "I'm sorry I've been so shitty to you recently. I know I haven't been saying it a lot, but I love you."
"You're allowed to be shitty right now, Marshall. I love you the same." She said as she went back to playing with my hair. I smiled softly and kissed the side of her stomach. I didn't say anything more, but I stayed put on top of her until I fell asleep like that. I don't know if she fell asleep, but I doubt it. At least not with my 150 pound ass laying on top of her.
I slightly woke up a few hours later when I heard the front door open and Ti immediately said, "shhh" to whoever was walking in and pointed towards me. I imagine it was probably everyone coming back from the funeral to check in and make sure I was doing okay. I just chose to keep my eyes closed and go back to sleep, if I didn't wanna go to the funeral, I sure as hell didn't wanna talk about it.
January, 1992
Christmas came and went and it was now New Years. Christmas was really fuckin' hard. Not only had Ronnie's death happened damn near two weeks prior, but I mean it was fucking Christmas. The time you're supposed to spend with your family. But what do you when your closest family member isn't around anymore? I couldn't stand the thought of being at my moms for Christmas without Ronnie, so me and Ti went there on Christmas eve, and then we went and spent actual Christmas at Peppers with her family. That way no one was missing from my family, because I wasn't with them. Was I being extremely avoidant by doing that? Absolutely. But it definitely helped, I'll say that much.
Since it was New Years, obviously everyone wanted to go out. I certainly didn't though. I had zero interest in going out to some house party just to act like I was having a good time. I told everyone else to go out though, it honestly might be kind of nice to get some alone time. But, it didn't matter how many times I said to go and leave me alone, they all refused. So instead they just decided to come over here and hang out.
I understood what they were trying to do, but it still pissed me off. I just wanna be fuckin' left alone sometimes and no one can just respect that. I knew Ti wasn't gonna leave me if I said I didn't wanna go out, but it felt like everybody else was just pity hanging out with me. I know I'm not that fun to be around right now, so I don't know why they're acting like they wanna hang out with me so badly. It's bullshit.
On the other hand though, it might be kinda nice to drink and have my mind stop racing for once. It's impossible to get carried away with my deep dark thoughts when I'm around people who are constantly yelling and laughing. Maybe it'll rub off on me, who knows?
We had about an hour before everyone said they were gonna come over, so me and Denaun were just sitting on the kitchen counters talking while we drank our first beers of the night.
"Damn, what's taking her so long?" Denaun asked, referring to the fact that Ti had been getting ready for the past hour. "She still in the bathroom? I gotta piss."
I peered around the corner to check if the bathroom door was still closed. I shook my head. "Nah, you good. She must be getting dressed."
"Thank fuck!" He hopped down from the counter and started making his way over to the bathroom. I set my beer down beside me and also hopped down a few seconds after Denaun entered the bathroom. I decided to go see what she was doing, so I walked over to our room and pushed the door open.
She was standing with her back towards me in front of the dresser with one of the drawers wide open clearly looking for a shirt to wear, since she was just in her bra. She was wearing these low rise jeans that I thought always made her ass look so good. Honestly, me and Ti hadn't had sex since before Ronnie died. I had just been feeling so depressed and shitty that I truly had no sex drive, but I'm pretty sure she had been feeling the same way. I don't know what it was, but she just looked sexy as fuck standing there, and it made my dick start to come alive for the first time in awhile which I was happy about. I was honestly starting to get a little worried that dick might have just stopped working completely.
She looked towards the door as I came in and groaned. "I'm sorry, I know I'm taking forever. I swear I can't find any of my clothes in this god damn room! Do you know where my grey sweater is?" I shook my head. "The Tommy Hilfiger one? It's cropped?"
"No baby I'm sorry." She groaned again and went back to searching through the drawer as I walked over towards her. "Why don't you just relax for a second?" I said as I put my hands on her bare waist. "You got time." I gently kissed the top of her shoulder and pushed my bottom half against her ass so she would be able to feel my hard dick.
"Mm." She purred as she leaned her back against my chest and I moved my lips to the crook of her neck to leave another gentle kiss. I slowly let my one hand travel around to her stomach as my other one went to take the hair away from behind her ear. I replaced it with another kiss and then I lightly licked the sensitive spot and I felt her whole body shiver against mine. I melted my one hand from her neck down her back until I was met with her bra. I gently unclasped it as my lips and tongue were still attached to the back of her ear.
The bra fell off of her and onto the floor, and I pushed my hand upwards from her stomach to her breasts. I felt her hard nipple drag across my palm as I gently squeezed at her breasts, and then I took it in between my fingers added a light pressure. She moaned quietly and then a few seconds later turned around to face me, forcing my hands and lips to pull away from my favourite parts of her body.
"Are you sure?" She whispered as she ran her hands up my forearms while mine were on her waist.
My eyes narrowed down at her. "Yeah? The fuck does that mean?" My voice was riddled with hostility and attitude.
She shook her head. "N-no, I just mean-"
"You're my girlfriend? Of course I'm sure about having sex with you? What, you think 'cause Ronnie died I ain't wanna fuck you anymore?" I said still with as much bitterness as I could muster up.
"No no no, Marshall I'm not saying that-" She nervously gripped my forearms.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Whatever, ya fuckin' ruined it." I pulled my hands away from her sides and instantly turned on my heel to walk towards the door. I swung it open and then slammed it shut as I walked out. God, she's so fuckin' neurotic sometimes.
Denaun was out of the bathroom and just listening to music and hanging out with Karnail and Rufus who had both come over in the time that I was in the room with Ti, so after I said hi to them and grabbed my beer from the kitchen, I plopped myself down on the couch beside Denaun.
About twenty minutes later, Ondre had shown up, and Ti still hadn't come out of our room. I imagined she was upset and crying, and while of course I cared, I just genuinely didn't have the energy in me right now to deal with that. I know I had probably hurt her, and I was sorry for that, but I just didn't have it in me to apologize for it, at least not right now. I'll just talk to her tonight once we go to bed, or tomorrow and apologize, but right now my mind was completely elsewhere with those same thoughts of Ronnie, suicide, and death. It's never ending, truly.
DeShaun, Sharonda, and a guy we became friends with a little while ago named Von showed up a little bit after, causing Ti to finally come out of our room. I assumed it was probably the fact that she knew everyone was here now and didn't want to look weird for why she wasn't drinking and hanging out with us. She didn't say a single word to me though, nor did she make eye contact with me once. Whatever. Once again, I don't feel like dealing with this right now. So, I just let it happen.
We continued on with our night and we were all pretty drunk and high. It felt good getting fucked up tonight, I hadn't done it since before Ronnie died and honestly it was kinda exactly what I needed. Even though me and Ti were clearly still fighting, we were both still having a good time regardless, but just ignoring each other. I'm actually surprised nobodies caught on yet. We're not one of those gross couples who makes out in front of other people by any means, but we definitely don't hide our relationship either. Honestly, if Von didn't know I was dating Ti just from me talking about her before he had met her tonight, he probably wouldn't know we were even together.
Midnight was getting closer and closer and she still hadn't even so much as looked at me. I wondered if she was just gonna continue to ignore me all the way through. We had thrown on the Time Square Ball Drop just so we would have a count down, but we still had our loud music playing and everyone was still talking.
The clock hit 11:59 and everyone started yelling. I looked towards Ti wondering what she was gonna do, and she glanced back at me with a sad look on her face. I instantly felt guilty and I saw her take a deep sigh. She got up from the floor on the other side of the room and walked over to me. She didn't say a single word and just sat down on my lap sideways while her arm went around my neck. We looked into each others eyes briefly and then her head snapped away from me as the countdown started and everyone began counting. As she whipped her head around I got a whiff of her shampoo that I always loved so much and if I didn't already feel like a guilty piece of shit before, I definitely did now.
"10! 9! 8!" Everyone yelled with the TV and I put my arm around her waist. "7! 6! 5!" I joined in with the yelling. "4! 3! 2! 1!" Everyone cheered and Ti turned her head towards me. She drunkenly slammed her lips into mine and I gently gripped her side.
She pulled away from me about ten seconds after and leaned forward towards my ear. "I love you." She said softly and then began to release her arm from my neck and stand up to move off of me.
I immediately grabbed her side harder so she wouldn't be able to stand up and leaned forward towards her ear. "I'm sorry."
She nodded. "I know." She leaned forward once more and kissed the side of my head and then continued standing up. Fuck. I must have really upset her. I wonder what upset her more? Me snapping at her, or me just leaving her there to cry alone? I didn't mean to upset her I just- fuck. I'm constantly so angry and she's just the easiest person to get angry at right now. I know Ti would never leave me, but she still doesn't deserve how i've been treating her. Hm. I'll make it up to her eventually, once I feel better. If that ever happens.