For several seconds they both just stopped. Eyes had a conversation, while their tongues remained silent. Gray was tempted to keep pushing but he did not want to spook her, and he thought her eyes were considering telling him the truth.
Regan decided to shelve her pride. She wanted this man to like her, or at least recognise the fact that she had not deliberately taken advantage of him and his family, by paying him a measly wage and paying his grandfather nothing.
She inhaled, licked her lips, lifted her chin and looked at him, "You know I inherited this place with all the associated debts. I know Mairie explained this to you." She admitted.
Knowing that speaking about her state of affairs was a clear indication of just how low she was, mixed with the fact she wanted him to like her. She was barely staying afloat, with some careful management of her funds she had managed to hold onto the cattle. Beef and dairy. She had worked out a plan, before her exhaustion took over: The beef cattle she moved to new paddocks whenever she had the time, and they seemed to be ok and she milked the dairy herd twice a day. They were her literal cash cow.
But even that minimal attention to her herds was grinding her down. She was running of vapour. She knew she was exhausted, fitting in the farming and her shifts as a doctor, but there were no other options. Either her herds or her would be ill. Apparently her herds were more robust than her! That is why he found her on her knees last week.
But two days ago, there was a light at the end of the tunnel because her chat with him, showed there was someone for her. At the time, it felt like he cared, genuinely cared. But yesterday, she opened her fridge to find every shelf stocked. She asked Sam about it and offered to pay for the items they had bought. And Sam refused to tell her the cost. It was then that Regan realised they considered her a charity case. And it rendered her conversation with Gray to the charity bag. He stopped and sat with her because he felt sorry for her. But in her mind and heart, their conversation was precious.
"Why didn't you tell me that when we lived here?" Gray said quietly.
She shrugged. "When?" Standing this close to him was causing her equilibrium to become precarious.
"Anytime?" He asked and watched as she squirmed. "When I asked for stock you could have told me why you couldn't afford stock."
"We barely knew each other. I don't tell anyone, about my circumstances. Only the Jones family and my close friends."
He tried to keep the disdain out his voice, no point antagonizing Regan. "And I was not a friend." Not then, but now, surely he thought.
Regan nodded, then added as if it would matter to him, "Despite what you think. I don't spend my money on me. I don't have money to spend!" She grimaced as she realized she was going to become flustered, telling people about your financial situation was not good for your esteem.
"I know that. Now."
"I've sold the sheep and as you know I am thinking about selling the beef cattle," She stated coolly and then decided to just be honest. Regan glared at the ground. It was all well and good this being honest about stuff, but it really did leave one feeling vulnerable.
"You are thinking of selling the beef herd?"
She nodded.
"I thought you said you didn't have cash flow issue."
"I don't." She said with some measure of pride. "Not now."
"Then keep the beef."
"I can't." She replied serenely.
"Because?" He pushed.
"It needs work." She shrugged. "And I need a better work-personal life balance. I can afford Bob, so he would manage the dairy herd. I focus on my medical career, give me sometime for myself. If I kept the beef, I would have to merge the farm with the centre work. I overstretched me and my finance pot."
"Because of me? My plans."
She shook her head. "No." She smiled ruefully, "You have resurrected the farm. Brought it back from the brink." Just a shame that your smile makes my heart pound, and obviously this infatuation would not pass, she thought. "What you have done for my farm, would take me eons. I am gratefully for that. And I am sure, that I didn't thank you." That reminded her, "But as you are here, I do owe you for the groceries you bought me, so if you could tell me..."
"Regan, if you think I am going to charge you for those foodstuffs...."
"I'm not a charity case Mr Cardozo." She narrowed her eyes.
He blinked. Then frowned. "Is that why you are in foul mood today?" He tipped his head, his eyes wide, his brows raised as he said with concern, "Because you think we think you are a charity case?"
She gulped but did not say anything. Several long seconds passed. They just stared at each other.
"Honestly Regan! We do not see you as a charity case." Frustration snapped to life within him and he began to scowl at her with barely contained exasperation
She said dryly, slightly nervous, "Then why did you stock my larder and fridge and sit with me?"
"Because you are a friend." He announced as he stood his ground. He stated candidly, "And I like you!"
She replied her eyes narrowed in bemusement as she weighed up his statement. She chewed her lower lip as she replayed his statement in her head before saying, "Really?"
"Yes!" He held onto his temper. Muttering to himself, before he said, "I thought we were enjoying our company."
She nodded. That was true. It had been a wonderful way to spend time given the situation. She almost forgotten about her exhaustion when she spoke to him, with him sitting on her bed, joined at the hip, and just laughing and talking.
He rolled his eyes, gritted his teeth, "So what happened?" He paused, waited for her to speak, and when she said nothing, added "Regan?"
She knew she was stalling, and opted for a semi truth. "I misunderstood the signals."
He took a deep breath and added with barely concealed exasperation, "Signals? What signals? Regan, just explain!"
She just shrugged, and murmured beneath her breath, "I thought it was charity." She crossed her arms and rubbed her hands along her arms. "You came, you paid your dues and left."
"What?"
She sighed, " And you didn't come back yesterday."
"I thought Granddad explained ..."
"He did. He did."
"And you were still expecting me..."
Luckily for her, the alarm on her phone rang. She held both hands up. "Ah, as they say, saved by the bell." She tried to appease him, resorting to a conciliatory tone of voice.
He nodded, waited for her to say something. She took a deep breath and then, to his surprise, she said, "er, can we save this conversation for another time?"
He bit down on his immediate response but couldn't help the exasperation that laced the word, "Yeah. Count on it." He quirked a brow and threw her a challenging look.
She squared her shoulder and firmed her lips, and considered a pithy retort.
When she didn't respond, he pushed, "Regan, this discussion is on hold." Curbed his tongue and opted for a simple message, "This is not over."
She didn't do sulkiness as a rule. And yet, here she was, definitely having a silent tantrum. He swore to himself, as he banked his temper, ran a hand round the back of his neck and said, "Regan, did you hear you me?"
"Yes. I did." She told him with utter hauteur in her voice and walked away, mumbling, "Good night!" She didn't wait for his response.
He blew out a breath in exasperation and watched her progress to her car.
She was off again. Obviously, she wasn't even going to offer an explanation for her behaviour this evening. And while he watched her reversed out, he thought he would talk to his granddad. He knew he could not come back tomorrow, or for the next few days as he was away on a business trip for his employers. Looking over various breeds of sheep in the south island. And in any case he need time to work out his plan. He waited a heart beat, mumbled to himself, "What plan?" That was the trouble. One minute he thought he had a plan, was doing the best for her, and then he'd wonder whether he'd misjudged completely. Take for example, this evening, he closed his eyes and exhaled. When he opened his eyes, he watched her car tail lights disappear, and jammed his hands in his jeans and muttered into the silence, "Time for plan b."