ADAMS POV
I glance over at Ryan, who's sitting on one of the tour travel boxes, imagining what he's thinking. He seems pretty stressed about all the production, but I know he just wants to get it all exactly how he imagined it to be. As I stare at him, I notice more and more of his coping mechanisms, clearly signalling his anxious thoughts. His one hand was itching the palm of his other, his leg was shaking, and his breathing was exactly how it is when he's about to freak out. His breath is short and shallow, but he's trying to control it by breathing in through his mouth, and out his nose. He's trying to get more oxygen in his lungs, but I have a feeling it won't stay in for very long. I know he hates it when someone points out his nervous habits, so I don't say anything. I just watch him a bit longer, hoping he doesn't get worse. But, inevitably, he does. He adds to his nervous habits by checking beside him every time something moves or makes a sound. I can tell he's on edge, but I don't know if I should say anything. I watch him just a few more seconds before walking over to him.
"You ok?" I ask as casually as possible. I crouch down in front of him, meeting his eyes, which are fixed staring off into space, somewhere between the ground and the stage. He nods his head, quickly saying,
"Oh yeah, I'm fine." But the look in his eyes says differently.
"Ry.... don't lie." I start. "I know you better than that."
"What?" He laughs to hide his fear. "I'm fine!"
"Ryan." I scold, my big brother instincts going through the roof. "I see what you're doing. You're itching again, you're doing your breathing thing again.. I know you Ry, you're anxious. What's up?" I ask.
"I uhh....." he starts, knowing he's not getting out of this one. "I'm scared." He mumbles out, so faint I could barely pick it up.
"What are you scared of Ry?" Before he even gets a chance to answer, he starts freaking out. His habits have gotten worse and have also invaded his body. His shaking leg becomes shaking everything, and his breathing gains speed, without him trying to control it. He reaches a hand up to his chest, feeling his heartbeat. I know it's going super fast, which scares him even more, causing his breath to disappear in his throat. I stand up in front of him, knowing I have to get him away from this environment of loud noises and lots of lights. I grab his arm that's on his chest and pull it up, his hand staying frozen on his chest. He stands up and I wrap my arm around his shoulders.
"Come on." I mumble, leading him away to a small green room we had set up with lots of food and drinks. I let him go to sit down on the one couch in the room. He right away pulls his knees up to his chest, hugging them close to him. He continues hyperventilating as he lays his head down on his knees. I quickly grab a water bottle from the table before cautiously going over to him, kneeling on the floor beside him. I gently place a hand on his arm, letting him know I'm here.
"Take a deep breath." I state, hoping he's listening.
"I-I... I can't!" He whimpers, his voice wheezing from hyperventilating.
"Ry, I know you can do this. I've seen you do it a million times. Just take a deep breath." I say as I start to rub his back softly. It's true, I've seen Ryan have a bunch of anxiety attacks, but this is the worst one in years.
"It's not working I can't!" He cries.
"Ok. Just take your time. Settle down, you're ok. I'm right here, everything is ok." I mutter.
"You have nothing to be scared of. You're ok bud. You're ok."
"I-I can't b-breathe!" He cries out again.
"Here, let's try some deep breathing together, ok?" I suggest. "Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth." I do the actions as I say them, slowly getting Ryan to do it with me.
"Good job Ry. Just a couple more. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth." He's slowly starting to control his breathing. I commend him every time he breathes with me, making him more confident and more likely to keep going.
"Let's do three more." I state, urging him to do three more deep breaths, calming him down almost entirely. I reach down and grab the water bottle as he does his final deep breath.
"Can you drink some water now?" I state more than ask, handing him the bottle. He shakily takes it and unscrews the lid, taking a few large sips of water. He takes the water away from his lips with a sigh, leaning his head back against the couch.
He keeps the bottle in his lap as I come up to sit beside him on the couch, gently slapping his chest a few times, applauding him for getting through his panic attack.
"Keep breathing slow." I remind him. He takes another sip of water, taking more slow breaths as he continues relaxing.
"That was awful." He mumbles. My heart breaks. I know he's had a few of these, but I know that they are terrible.
"So," I start carefully, trying not to add to any anxiety he still has. "What were you scared of?"
"Uhh," he starts quietly. "I'm just scared it's not going to be everything I want it to be." He puts the water bottle down on the floor and moves around so his one foot is under his opposite knee, his other leg hanging off the couch. His hand is holding his head, with his elbow on the back of the couch. I copy his position, and he looks off at the ground by the table full of food, as I look at him.
"Like, what if something goes wrong?" He continues. "What if the fans hate it? What if it's not everything I imagined? There's so many 'what if's' and it's just scary when you don't have control over everything you want control over. I don't know."
"Yeah, I get that. But, we know that this will be amazing. Wether or not it will be everything you want it to be, I don't know. But we've worked way too hard to give up now. I know it'll be great Ry. I know you won't let it be anything short of amazing." He smirks at what I say, as if it was just what he wanted to hear in that moment.
"And, who knows if the fans are gonna hate it? If they do, then who cares? We are proud of it, and that's what matters."
"Yeah. I don't know, I guess I just want all of our hard work to be worth something..." He states.
"I know you do. We all do. But hey, look at what we've done so far. 3 incredible albums that got such a great reaction from a majority of people. So, if they don't like the show, then sucks to be them. I'm 99 percent sure at least someone will like the show. I mean, they kinda have to, it looks amazing." He smirks at that.
"If even 1 person smiles because of what we made, it'll all be worth it." He decides.
"Exactly. But I bet that millions will see what we've done and smile."
"I hope so."
"You feeling better?" I ask cautiously.
"Yeah." He replies.
"Good. Well, it is almost lunch time, and everyone is coming in here to eat, and it'll get loud. And that's probably not the best idea for you right now. So, I would recommend you grab a bit of food and find a quiet room to sit in and wait until they're all done." He nods along, agreeing with me. "I would also recommend you call or text Cat to decompress a little." He smirks at that, it probably being what he was going to do anyways.
"Ok. Thanks again." He stands up, grabbing his water bottle, and heads to the door.
"Are you gonna grab some food?" I question.
"No, I'm not that hungry." He replies.
"Ok. I'll text you when we need you."
"Sounds good." He leaves the room, and not even a minute later the herd of the crew barge in and start stuffing their faces with food.
"Hey Adam," Jack asks me. "Where did Ryan go? We need his opinion on something."
"Oh, he uh," I lower my voice and move closer to his ear so no one else can hear me. "He had a panic attack." Jack face falls immediately.
"No!" Jack gasps. "Is he ok?" Jack asks.
"Yeah. He managed to calm down and then we talked for a bit."
"Ok. Where is he now?" Jack asks.
"I don't know. I told him to go find a quiet room to sit in for a bit because I knew you guys were all coming in here for lunch, and I knew it wasn't going to help him stay calmed down." Jack nods.
"But, why?" Jack asks, asking why Ryan freaked out.
"He's stressed about the show and if it'll be everything he imagined it to be. He doesn't like not having control over everything he wants control over. We talked about that for a while." I explain.
"Huh. Ok. Thanks for letting me know." Jack states before getting called over by one of the crew people.
MEANWHILE
RYANS POV
"Hey." I say into the phone.
"Hey Ry!" Cat replies happily. I smile instantly.
"Hi." I say again.
"What's going on?" Cat asks suspiciously.
"Nothin." I try to play it off.
"Liar. What's going on?" Cat asks, sounding more concerned.
"Uhh... I had an anxiety attack in the middle of doing stuff for rehearsals."
"Ry! Are you ok?"
"Yeah. Adam and I chatted about it after for a while. And then he told me to call you, so I found this nice little quiet room and called you."
"That's good. I'm glad you're ok."
"Yeah."
"So, what have you been doing today? How's the set up going?" She asks, getting my mind off of the anxiety.
"It's going well, just stressful trying to figure everything out. Trying to get everything in my brain to be exactly how I want it to be and everything like that."
"Yeah. That makes sense."
"So how's it going with you?" I ask.
"It's going pretty good." She starts. She goes on about her co workers, the faulty printer at work, Shay, her parents, just about everything, and I just sit here smiling. Her voice alone is just so comforting to me. After a bit my phone buzzes and I take it away from my ear to see what it was. It's Adam texting me saying they're starting back up in 5 minutes, but if I'm not ready to come back out, I don't have to. I decide to wait for the rush back to the stage area, and to keep talking to Cat.
"So, yeah that's what's going on." Cat giggles.
"Awesome." I smirk. "Well, I did get a text from Adam saying they're starting back up again, so I should get going. Thank you for talking with me."
"Of course! You feel better now?"
"Yeah." I smile.
"Good. Well, I love you."
"Love you too."
"Thank you for phoning me." Cat says.
"Thank you for calming me down." I reply.
"Anytime. Ok, bye Ry!"
"Bye!" I stay sitting for a bit, trying to gain the motivation to go back into the environment of loudness and lots of stressors like lights. I take a deep breath to prepare myself, and I stand up and head back to the stage area. I walk in as silently as possible, hoping no one will notice me and won't draw attention to me either. I walk to beside Adam and stop, as I know he knows what happened. My hand was over my diaphragm, which somehow keeps me calm.
"You ok?" He asks me quietly. I nod, biting my lip. Jack comes running over to me when he sees me and says,
"Ok 2 things, 1, are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm ok." Adam must have told Jack what happened.
"Good. You managed to calm down?" I nod.
"Ok. And 2, we need your help with some lights stuff. Do you mind coming over to help decide on something?"
"Sure." Jack and I walk over to the lights, me trying to be careful with the stimulation. I don't want to get overstimulated again and panic. I end up being fine, and we keep going through rehearsals. We eventually finish everything for today and head back up to our hotel rooms. Jack and I shared one while Adam shared with Ezra, one of our crew guys. Although Adam was sharing, he comes over to mine and Jack's to talk.
"You doing ok Ry?" Adam asks, sitting down on the edge of Jack's bed as I change my shirt.
"Yeah." I sigh, sitting down on the edge of my bed. I pull my ankle up to rest on my opposite knee, leaning my elbow down on my leg.
"Did everything look ok at the end of today?" Jack asks.
"I think so." I state. "I just hope the rest of rehearsals stay that way."
"Hey Ry," Adam starts. "You did good today."
"Yeah." Jack jumps in, coming to sit beside me. "I'm really proud of you for getting through that again. And, I'm super proud of how you're making this show. It looks amazing." I smirk.
"Yeah Ry. You're incredible. Try not to stress out too much because of the show. We will get it to be perfect." Adam adds.
"Thanks guys. I just hope we can make people smile. That's all." I smile.
"We will. I mean, our whole crew was smiling by the end of the last song today." Jack nudges. We all laugh at Jack's comment.
"They don't count! They're forced to like it!" I laugh.
"No they're not!" Adam rebuttals. "They don't have to like it. They don't have to smile at it. They smile because it looks freaking amazing."
"Ok ok." I laugh, throwing my hands up in surrender.
"But Ry, seriously, good job." Jack repeats.
"Thanks. I couldn't have done it without you though."
"Oh don't go all sappy on us..." Jack groans.
"Ok fine."
"Good job Ry." Adam says again, wrapping me in a hug. Jack wraps his arms around me as well, and I savour the hug. We don't normally hug or anything, but today it was needed.
"Now get some sleep!" Adam calls out, pulling away from the group hug.
"Night guys." I smile, scooting back and climbing into the bed. Adam leaves as Jack says goodnight, crawling into his bed as well. I lay my head down on my pillow after taking off my glasses and go on my phone to text Cat goodnight before promptly falling asleep.
A/N- Hey! I hope you liked that story. I'm just curious though, did anyone else pick up on Ryan's actual habits? (The itching his hand, the breathing thing and the hand over his diaphragm) I don't know, they just seem like habits he does a lot. Maybe I'm way too observant or just overthinking it... who knows.