On our baby's due date, I showed up at Ceci's door at nine in the morning with coffee, sprinkled donuts, and a bouquet of flowers. I knocked multiple times and got no response, which had me a little worried. She finally swung the door open, sporting rumpled pajamas and a mess of adorably tousled hair.
"I know I look scary," she said with a yawn. "I had to take a sedative last night, and I slept through my alarm."
"Sedative?" I questioned as I set everything on the counter.
"These flowers are gorgeous, thank you," she said while searching for a vase in her cupboard. "My doctor gave me a non-addictive sleep aid for when things are bad. I wanted to avoid the dream, so I took one."
"Did you have it?"
"No. I had a blissful dreamless night of sleep. I haven't had it since we released the statement. Isn't that weird?"
"Hey, if some good came out of all this, then I'm happy about it," I told her.
Things had been overwhelming since we'd told the world about the baby, which was done through a brief truthful statement. The tabloids had no content, other than what I'd said, so they focused on pulling up pics of me and Ceci from social media. Old photos were hardly breaking news or scandalous, but I hated any kind of attention like this, especially since she was sucked into it. Trevor Pullman hadn't been heard from since it's release and had hopefully crawled back into whatever hole he came from.
Obviously the statement opened up a ton of questions. My fans wanted to know if Ceci and I were a couple, which was something I refused to address. Our past and present were not the public's business, and I wasn't going to expose Ceci to further scrutiny. A lot of people reacted to what I'd shared with caring concern. Many left kind words in the comments or in DMs, and those who knew me personally sent comforting texts. I appreciated this, but it dredged up a lot of pain.
Within our inner circles of friends, family, and work associates, we'd mostly been given unconditional support. I'd made calls before the statement went out, and those I hadn't had a chance to tell over the phone, I texted. Many were shocked and saddened, but they understood why we'd kept it quiet. Ceci had similar experiences, though her circles were quite a bit smaller.
I couldn't deny that it felt good to no longer carry the weight of our secret, though I was still struggling with one friend's reaction.
"Hey, what's new?" Brian said when he answered the phone.
"Extortion," I said flatly.
"What does that mean?" he laughed.
"I'm being threatened by an asshole who has some information on me, but I'm not going to pay him off. I'm opting to come forward with the story myself, which is why I'm calling. I want you to hear this from me before seeing my statement."
"Jesus Christ...do I need to sit down for this? You didn't kill someone and hide the body, did you?" He was trying to use humor to diffuse the tension, as he often did.
"No, but you're not going to like what I have to say," I told him while my stomach turned with anxiety. "You asked me a while back if something was going on between me and Ceci and I told you no. That was a lie."
I could hear him breathing, but he didn't say anything. I decided to plow forward.
"We've had a sexual relationship for awhile, and I went to her place on New Year's Eve. She got pregnant."
"You're fucking kidding me, right? This is some sick joke or something, isn't it? Are Matt and Ian listening to this for laughs?"
"It's not a joke. Ceci was pregnant, but she lost the baby when she was in the car accident in May. That's why I rushed home and canceled my tour dates."
"Fuck. That's terrible."
For a second, I thought maybe this talk wouldn't be as bad as I'd anticipated.
I continued, "Look man, I know you have had it bad for Ceci forever, and I know I'm an asshole for messing around with her knowing how you feel, but it's been this crazy thing that has always been out of our control. I never wanted to hurt you by being with her."
"I'm sorry about the baby, but that's bullshit. So what...you two would be hanging out and your dick would just slip inside her on it's on accord? How the fuck don't you have control of something like that?!" he asked, his voice rising.
Things were going downhill fast.
"It's really complicated and I'd like to try to explain if you'll hear me out," I said as calmly as I could.
"How long have you been fucking her?"
"Since we were sixteen. She was my first, not the girl in Georgia," I admitted.
"And has this been nonstop? It can't have been. You were practically engaged to someone else!"
"It's been off and on."
"So when you're in Toronto you call Ceci up and fuck her? You use her? How can you say she's your friend when that's how you treat her?!" he shouted.
"You're making some pretty big assumptions. I haven't used her any more than she's used me!"
"I gotta go. This is too goddamned weird for me. My best friend and the woman I love have been having a secret relationship that resulted in a baby. I know that losing it must have hurt, but for fuck's sake, should a baby be born into such a messed up relationship?"
He'd gone too far and I snapped.
"Fuck you, Brian! Ceci was never going to be with you whether we were together or not. Don't you dare try to say that our baby dying was for the best! We loved her and were looking forward to raising her! You have no idea how I've been struggling since May! You can hate me for what I've done, but you have no right to bring my baby into this!"
"You're right and I'm sorry," he said after a second. "We're done, though."
And then he hung up.
The other guys had taken it better, but they made it clear that I'd been a shitty friend to Brian. Their concern about my loss was greater than their anger, and after talking it out, things were okay.
"What do you want to do today?" I asked Ceci after we finished breakfast and had settled onto her couch.
"I have an idea. You might think it's silly, though."
"I doubt that. Tell me."
"Last week I was taking a walk along the beach. Sharing what happened has been full of emotional ups and downs, which you know as well as I do, and I wanted some fresh air to clear my head. I was thinking about the impact of everything, which got me thinking about our baby."
"She's been on my mind a lot, too, which makes sense since I've had to talk to so many people about her for the first time."
"Exactly. In a way it's been cathartic. I'm finally letting myself fully grieve instead of holding it inside until I'm home alone or with you," she said with watery eyes.
"I understand, honey."
"Back to my idea. I was thinking we could say goodbye to her...our baby. There was no burial or service, and I think we need something symbolic or meaningful to help us both heal."
I nodded. "I agree. Do you have something in mind?"
"A couple years ago I was in this artsy little shop on Augusta Avenue looking for Christmas gifts. They had these polished stones in various shapes. Some were hearts. What if we went together and picked out a stone for our baby?"
"I think that's perfect. A heart seems fitting."
She smiled before standing up. "I'm going to take a shower. I promise I'll be quick. Feel free to watch TV."
While she was in the bathroom, I called my mum who'd left me a message earlier. I told her I was with Ceci and that we were doing okay. She told me she loved me and said for the hundredth time that she was proud that I'd opened up about what had happened.
An hour later, Ceci and I were in the unique shop she'd mentioned looking through a large wooden bowl of beautiful stones.
"Are you looking for something in particular?" the salesperson asked after we'd picked through the whole inventory of stones.
"We were hoping to find a heart," I told her.
A flicker of recognition crossed her face and I knew she'd figured out who we were.
She held up a finger. "Stay right here. I think I've got what you're looking for in the back."
When she re-emerged several minutes later, she held out a beautiful black and red stone in a perfect heart shape.
"This is a bloodstone. The shape isn't natural of course, but the rock itself is an amazing specimen. It arrived last week and I hadn't decided on a price for it, which is why it was still in back."
"It's lovely," Ceci breathed.
"Bloodstone has healing properties," the older woman added.
"No matter what the price, we'll take it," I said.
She shook her head. "I'm not selling it to you. I want you to have it because I think it was meant to be yours."
I was about to object when Ceci squeezed my hand and spoke. "Thank you so much."
"Yes, thank you," I added as I realized that insisting on giving the shopkeeper money would have been an insult to her generosity.
We left the store hand in hand with the stone safely nestled in Ceci's purse.
"What do you want to do with it?" I asked her as we walked down the street.
"I want to take it someplace significant and bury it. It'll be a little unmarked grave for our baby. We can visit it if we want."
"Do you know where?"
She looked up at me. "Clarence Square."
My heart stopped beating for a second because I knew exactly why she'd chosen that location.
We drove to a garden center and bought a handheld spade, then we picked up some junk food at the grocery store which we took to her place. That afternoon we curled up on the couch and watched "Friends" for hours. When the sun went down, I drove us to the small park not far from my old condo. No one was there since a cold rain had moved in, which was for the best.
"So where were you that night?" she asked.
After looking around, I pointed to a spot about ten meters away. "Right there."
I dug a hole in the grass beside the iron bench and then we both knelt next to it as the rain pelted down on us.
Ceci held the beautiful heart in her hands. "Goodbye, sweet baby. We'll always love you."
And then she gently placed the heart in the hole. I filled it up and packed the soil down, carefully placing the grassy piece I'd dug up first on top so that no one would ever notice what we'd done.