ELC36
No one of us was speaking even if we're just sitting side by side. Different from how the usual things are described when you finally let out the things that you're keeping inside for too long, I'm not feeling any relief or peace. I am right here, enduring the painful silence between us that's breaking my heart on each second that's passing by.
My eyes turned on Six in the driver seat. His knuckles are already turning white because of holding the steering wheel too tightly. His jaw is clenched hard and his eyes are darkly looking straight on the road. I shifted my eyes away again, back on the outside of the window.
I can't stare at him longer without my heart feeling like being stabbed by the sharpest kind of knife.
In no time, the tall gates of our mansion finally showed up in front of us. Six car stopped in front of it. The two of our guards walked to opened it as they recognize Six's car. They knew him and his car because Aza's always with him these days.
The car ran again when our gates were opened. We are again welcomed by a long driveway entrance to the main house. On each side has the lines of trees, plants, and other landscape elements.
Bumungad saamin ang malaking fountain, signifying that we're already in the main house. Six's car stopped in front of the front porch.
No one of us moved for long seconds. I know I shall move out of his car now but my body seems not cooperating on what I wanna do. Kanina, gustong-gusto ko nang makawala palayo sa katahimikan naming dalawa. But right now, I can't understand why I'm still prolonging this...
My head turned to Six when I heard him sighed heavily. He leaned his head on his seat, close his eyes tightly, and put his arm on the top of his forehead. Frustration was all over his face and movements.
"I'm such a thick-faced jerk, huh?"
My heart constricted. "Six..."
"What happened to those who－" he gulped and removed his arms on his forehead and opened his eyes but he still didn't look on my direction. "－Harassed you?"
"There are in jail..." mahina kong sagot.
He nodded slowly. "Good for them..." he said, gritting his teeth.
My feelings became heavier. Seeing him now, having a hard time accepting and processing everything, watching his pain and self-loathing felt so bad. I cannot understand myself because if he's feeling it all now, what more on my first-hand experiences? It was my own nightmare.
Bakit pati sa kanya ay nasasaktan din ako?
"Sige na... baka hinahanap ka na ni Aza."
"He's already at school by now..." I answered him.
Awkward. It's too awkward and there's too much uncomfortable tension surrounding us. My heart is continuously beating fast like it will even be louder than my voice at any moment. My body remained stoned on my position even if he already told me to go.
"I see..."
"Six, I hope w－"
"Don't worry, hindi na kita guguluhin."
Mas lalo ata akong nabato saaking upuan mas lumalala ang bigat na nararamdaman ko kanina. I always wanted to hear those words from him. I told him too many times to stop hoping and stop pursuing me. I am very sure that I would never come back to him. But why do those words felt too destructive?
"I know you could never forgive me anymore from everything. I'm sorry for insisting too much. I didn't know how I was hurting you by continuously showing up." saad niya gamit ang bigong boses. "Sorry if up until now, I'm still selfish."
My eyes are just watching him closely. I don't know what he's afraid of but he's still not giving me even a slight turn on my direction.
"If you want me to withdraw from our contract, I can make my parents unders－"
"Everything about the business is out on our personal issues..."
He drew a huge and hard sigh before he nodded.
"Then, I can still meet Aza from time to time, right?"
My eyes felt hot once again. "O-of course..."
"Thank you..."
"I m-must go..." I said to him, gulping and trying to control my emotions before it can even appear. My hands are shaking while trying to remove the seatbelt from me. I held my things on one hand before I attempted to open the door on my side.
"Kill..."
"Hmm?"
My head automatically turned on his call. Finally, he turned to me after the long minutes of trying to avoid looking at me. His hazel brown eyes stared on my eyes with emotions that are way too much to take in.
"I love you..."
My lips parted and I gasped. Mas lalong nag-ipon ang luha ko sa ilalim ng mga mata ko.
"I wished I had a chance to love you better."
I bit my lips to suppress my emotions as I nodded to him.
"Me too, Six," I said with my shaky voice.
Tuluyan ko nang nabuksan ang pintuan. I stepped my feet on the ground. That's the only time I felt how weak my legs are. I closed the door of his car without looking back. I slowly started walking toward the porch before I heard the sound of his car leaving.
My hand immediately flew on my chest, gripping the fabric of my clothes, like it was my heart that's continuously breaking. Abundant tears fell from my eyes as my other hand flew on my mouth to stop my sobs.
Before, I thought I would never hear him said those words to me. Last night felt impossible and unclear on my mind, too.
"M-ma'am..."
Natigil ang dumaang kasambahay sa harap ko pagkapasok ko pa lang pinto. Her eyes are wide and shock while looking at my tear-soak face.
"A-ano po－"
"Can you leave us, Fe?"
My eyes turned on the direction of the voice. I saw Mama coming towards our direction. I immediately wanna wipe my tears away from my eyes because I'm embarrassed to show her how broken I am but I can't still stop my sobs.
Why is she here? Isn't she supposed to be in her office by now?
"S-sige po. Ma'am... "
"Kill..." Mama said as her serious eyes pierced on me.
I removed my hands on my mouth and chest. I wipe my tears away and I give her a weak smile. She walked towards me and sighed. Naramdaman ko na lang ang pagbalot ng kanyang braso saakin. Her move made my tears became more triggered.
"Ma..." I cried. "If love is a beautiful thing... why does it keeps on hurting me?"
She didn't give me an answer but I felt her hands, caressing my back like I was still her little girl who came running on her after I hurt myself while playing.
"Mama!"
I blinked my eyes repeatedly as I heard Aza's voice. I've been spacing out once again. Shit.
"You're not listening..." he pouted at me.
"I'm sorry, baby. Mama's having a hard time at work."
His pout became longer as he hugged his bunny toy tighter. He moved closer to me. I opened my arms so that he could place himself in it. We are inside my room because he wants to sleep beside me.
"Really? Is that why you're always sad?"
My eyes widen when I heard that from him.
"What?"
"You're always quiet, Mama. You don't listen to me, too. Lola said it's because you're sad." he said as his little arms went unto my waist, side hugging me. "Don't be sad Mama, Aza will make you happy..."
I took a deep breath, blinking away some unshed tears on the lower part of my eyes. I hugged my son back and kissed his forehead.
"You're Mama's happiness, Az."
"I'll tell Lolo not to give you too much work!"
I chuckled. "You will?"
"Hmm! I'll give him my favorite ice cream in exchange, Mama..."
"You'll do that for Mama?" I ask, brushing his hair with my fingers.
"Yes..."
I smiled as lock him more in my arms. Aza enjoyed playing his bunny-toy while being on my arms. I was just silently watching him and brushing his hair.
"Baby..." I called him.
My heart clenched as I witness how his eyes went to mine. God, Aza... you're really his whole reflection.
"Is Papa visiting you at school?"
His face brightened up when he heard of the name. I think I'm not his only favorite anymore. Seeing how delightful he is every time we talk about his father, I cannot help but feel a surge of happiness and pain.
"Yes, Mama! We eat, play, and have fun!" he happily retold but his shining smile was suddenly changed into confusion. "But why aren't you joining us anymore, Mama?"
So he's really just avoiding me but still showing up on Aza...
An unknown massive weight fell on my chest. Damn it, Aquilah Therese. Isn't this what you want?
"Ma?"
"I'm busy, baby..."
"Let's buy Lolo a cake, Mama."
I chuckled. All of the sudden, Aza?
"You'll give him your favorite ice cream and you'll buy him a cake? Wow, Lolo is lucky..."
Aza smiled at me. He put his bunny toy on his back without changing his position. Since he doesn't have his toy now, he was able to hug me better.
"Mama, when are we going to live at Papa's house?"
My eyes went wide because of his question. I nearly got choked even with my saliva only. My heart thumped fast.
"Aza..." I called him before I rose from the bed. I sat and leaned my back on the headboard before I carried Aza to put him in my lap. I tried my best to act normal and cool in his eyes.
"This is our home, baby..."
"But what about Papa? Why isn't he coming home here?"
My hands turned cold. I roamed my eyes around my room with no reason while finding an answer I can give him in my head. Gosh, I don't know how to make him understand when he's still too young for this. I also don't wanna hurt and disappoint him.
"Papa has his own home." nanginginig ang boses ko habang binibigkas iyon sa kanila.
Please Aza... can we skip this for now? I don't think Mama can give you a better answer.
"Like you, Mama? But even if you have your own, we're still living with Lolo and Lola!" he pouted. "But what about Papa?"
"H-he can't leave his house, baby..."
How can I even tell my four-year-old kid that what we have isn't conventional? That his parents are not together and that we can't be a normal family or even a real family?
Mas lalong humigpit ang puso ko.
"Is he rich, Mama? He has his zoo and he has his house that he can't leave!"
Nakahinga ako ng maluwag noong marinig ko iyon. I pulled Aza in my arms while keeping up with the strong beatings of my heart, still pressured and still not moving on from the tension that I felt a while ago.
"Yes, baby..." the only thing I can say to save myself and his pure heart.
That's how things flowed between us three. Six would not appear on any meetings regarding our contract, it was always his father. However, when I ask Aza about him, he says that Six always visits him.
Honestly, that is what I wanted before. We are clearly having our own restriction towards each other without affecting Aza. We're doing our roles separately and he's not neglecting Aza just because of what happened between us. I shall be satisfied. But why can't I?
"Do you have plans, Kill?"
I stopped browsing the papers in front of me when I heard my name. I turned to Papa with a questioning look. We're having this short break from a meeting and I've been preoccupied that's why I wasn't able to follow what they are talking about.
"On Aza's birthday?"
I let go of the papers that I was holding before I faced my parents. Ang mga kapatid ko ay may ibang diskusyon sa gilid nila.
Aza's birthday is just hours from now. Tomorrow, actually.
"Let's just have our usual dinners, Pa..."
"Have you asked Aza what he wants?" Mama asked.
I sighed and massage my temple. Gosh, right. I have to do that. Even if he's only four years old, I want him to be part of the decisions we're making for him.
"What if he says he wants his father to be there?"
"Pa..." I called him, cautious while gazing on my Kuyas' side. I sighed in relief when they remained busy on their serious topic. I shot Papa a warning look.
My brothers still don't know that Aza and Six know each other already! Sila Mama at Papa lang dahil kasama ko sila sa bahay! And one more thing, I don't think they would like that idea. I also would like to tell it to them when everything's already settled and okay.
Papa sighed and shook his head on me. I know he doesn't want the idea of us, keeping it a secret from my brothers because he sees it pointless.
"I haven't been talking to him lately..." mahina kong pag-amin sa kanilang dalawa.
My mother's brow shot up when she heard me said that. Papa remained serious.
"What about Aza?"
I sighed. "He's visiting him at school..."
"Ah, ikaw lang?" Mama savagely asked me. It made Papa gaze at her direction before his lips curved a little like he's suppressing a smile.
"Pa, I finally realized why Kuya Cell is like that..."
Papa lowly chuckled and look at me. "Is it only Cell? How about you?"
I frowned. Mama just listened to us like she doesn't care.
"Are you saying that Kuya Cell and I are...?"
No way! I'll be okay being classified the same as Kuya Rift and Kuya Rion! But not with Kuya Cell, the annoying monster!
"That's why you're always clashing..." Papa chuckled and look at Mama who just smirked.
My forehead creased and I glared at Kuya Cell's direction unknowingly. I guess, he felt my eyes that's why he looked at me and glared back. Bwiset! Does he think I already forgot what he did last time? I won't tell anyone and I'll keep it in my brain and wait for the perfect time to use that ace! Babae pala ha!
The meeting proceeded once again after the short break. It continued for about two hours longer. It was draining. I really wanna rest now but I know that I still have more after this.
As usual, there are still people approaching us even after the meeting. Kumabit na lang ako kay Mama dahil wala masyadong lumalapit sa kanya. She's really transcending a different aura that's making other people uncomfortable and inferior.
"Ma..." Kuya Rion called and walk towards us.
My phone rang so turned away a little. I can hear them talking but I didn't pay attention to their topic. Criselle's name flashed on my screen so I immediately answered it.
"Hello－"
"Ma'am!"
My eyebrow instantly met.
"Oh?"
She didn't answer me for seconds but I can hear her deep, hard, and laboured breathing using her mouth. My heart started to react abnormally even she's still not saying anything. Coldness is sweeping on my system. I don't know why am I feeling this but it wasn't good.
"Criselle."
"Ma'am..." she sobbed.
Fuck. Why the hell is she crying? And why does it feels like she's running? Where's Aza?
"Ma'am, nasa Cavite ako!"
My forehead creased and my heart thumped faster but even with it, I find it harder to breathe.
"Why the hell are you in Cavite? Where's Aza?"
Mama and Kuya Rion who's beside me both turned their eyes on me when they heard the panic in my voice. Fuck! Cavite? How come she reached that far when she's supposed to be with Aza at school, waiting for him to finish his class?
"Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am sorry... sorry..." she cried more.
I felt like heaven and earth fell upon me. I froze on my feet while listening to the other line. Iyak pa lang ni Criselle ang naririnig ko pero parang nawawarak na ang buo kong pagkatao.
"I am asking you..." I said slowly as my eyes started to heat up. Mama and Kuya Rion approached me. "Where is my son?" I said, stressing all the words.
I held on Kuya Rion's arm, not being able to keep my balance with my weak legs.
"Kill." Mama strictly called, with her eyes blazing with confusion and worry.
"Ma'am... Ma'am, si Aza... Ma'am..."
"Answer me fucking straight!" I shouted at the top of my lungs as tears flow abundantly from my eyes.
Everyone in the room looked at us. Papa, Kuya Rift, and Kuya Cell almost run in our direction as Mama and Kuya Rion tried to calm me down but my head and ears are already close to anything than what Criselle can say.
"Ma'am... kinuha nila... si Aza... Ma'am... wala akong na-nagawa... si Aza. May baril sila, Ma'am!"