I looked out at the sea of faces in the Rogers Centre. The current covid-19 policy was that everyone on the floor had to wear masks, and for the most part, people had complied. In the stands, there was a buffer seat between each individual or group of seats purchased at the same time. Masks weren't required for these ticket holders though some still wore them.
"Toronto!" I screamed. "You've been incredible tonight!"
The crowd went wild.
"I'm gonna throw it back to my last tour for this next song. It's special to one of the most important people in my life and that's why I'm singing it tonight."
Everyone in the audience got hyped up by the idea that this was meaningful to me and that caused an electric feeling to fill the entire stadium. I'd made a decision the week before to play this song for Ceci even though it wasn't on the setlist for this tour, and when I'd told my band, they were happy to comply.
I sat down at the piano and started to play as I sang.
"When you try your best but you don't succeed...
When you get what you want but not what you need...
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep...
Stuck in reverse."
Before I even got to the next lyrics, I felt them. I knew they'd be hard to sing, but as they came out of my mouth, I felt my whole body shudder with pain and despair.
"When the tears come streaming down your face...
"Cause you lose something you can't replace..."
I abruptly stopped playing and singing. For a what felt like forever, I just stared at my fingers that were frozen on the piano keys.
Ceci and I had lost something that we couldn't replace, and in front of thousands of people, my grief was coming to the surface. I started to cry right there on stage as most of the audience went silent.
"Shawn? Are you okay?" I heard in my ear piece.
From where I was sitting, I couldn't see Ceci. She was with our parents and Aaliyah, as well as my closet friends, in a special section to the left of the stage.
I needed to see her, though.
Standing up, I ran towards the stairs on the side of the stage. I kept going until I reached her. My heart broke when I saw that she was crying. Aaliyah had her arms wrapped around her protectively, but she let go as I approached.
I pulled Ceci against me and held on to her as we both sobbed.
"I'm so sorry," I said into her ear. "It's your song and I wanted to play it."
"It hits differently now, but I still love it," she said through her tears. "You should finish the song."
I let go of her and was suddenly profoundly aware of the reaction to what had just happened. I'd stopped my show and my fans didn't seem to know what to make of this. Some were cheering, some were crying, and others were quiet.
I ran back on stage, took my seat at the piano, and leaned towards the microphone. "Sorry about that. What you just witnessed was a very human moment. Sometimes I get caught up in my feelings just like all of you do and I need to hold on to someone. One thing I've learned over the years is that you should always cling tightly to the people you love."
As my fingers played the melody on the piano, I continued singing "Fix You" which then segued into "In My Blood." When that song was done, I left the stage but returned for two encores, one from my first album and one from my latest.
The concert concluded and I ran off stage feeling both elated and emotionally drained. A buffet of food and drinks was set up in one of the larger rooms backstage to celebrate the kick-off of the North American tour, though it wouldn't resume for awhile since it had been scheduled around my now-unneeded paternity leave. Everyone on my team assumed the long gap between dates was due to problems with booking the venues.
I went to my dressing room and toweled off my hair and face which were dripping with sweat before changing my shirt. I needed a long hot shower but that could wait. Andrew came in and we spoke briefly about what had happened. He understood, of course, and felt that it had actually been a really positive moment. Anytime I showed raw emotion on stage, my fans seemed to love and respect me more.
By the time I got to the small party, my family and friends were already there. I hugged my parents and Aaliyah before going around the room thanking everyone for coming. When I got to Brian, he pulled me aside.
"What was that scene about?" he asked.
"It's one of Ceci's favorite songs and I wanted to play it for her," I answered truthfully.
"I know, but I've never seen you completely quit singing in the middle of a song and walk off the stage. What the fuck is going on?"
"Nothing. The song is tied to my friendship with Ceci and we both got caught up in the moment."
It was clear that he didn't believe me, but he chose not to push.
By the time everyone started leaving, it was close to one in the morning. I'd hardly talked to Ceci at all, so I approached her when I saw her heading towards the door.
"Can I give you lift home?"
"Did you seriously drive to your own concert?" she asked.
"No, but I've got a driver waiting for me. I was hoping to get some time alone with you."
"I'll tell you what...you tell your driver to leave and I'll give you a ride home."
"You sure?"
"Of course. My is parked in the VIP lot of the garage, thanks to you."
After finding Andrew and letting him know I didn't need a chauffeur, I said goodbye to the last few people and went to my dressing room to get my bags. Ceci took my backpack while I took my suit bag and we made our way to the section of the garage where her little gray car was waiting. Fifteen minutes later we were pulling into my condo's parking garage.
"Wanna come up for a nightcap?" I asked. "My bar finally arrived and it's fully stocked."
"No, but I'd love a cup of hot tea."
We took the elevator up to the top floor and entered my home, tossing the bags by the stairs before going to the kitchen.
"Check it out," I said as I pointed to the newly renovated island.
"Wow!!! It looks amazing!" she gushed as she walked around the whole thing to admire it.
"You were so right about moving the sink closer to the dishwasher."
"Aren't I always right?" she said jokingly. "Shall I put the kettle on?"
"Sure, but do you mind if I take a quick shower? I get so hot and sweaty up on stage."
"Go ahead. I might go sit outside since it's a nice night."
I took my bags and jogged up the stairs taking them two at a time. After a ten minute hot shower, I changed into sweats and an old Blue Jays t-shirt before finding Ceci curled up on the outdoor sofa that faced the CN Tower. I sat next to her and draped my arm behind around her shoulders.
"I'm sorry I made you cry tonight," I said.
She leaned against me. "I cry a lot these days so it's no big deal. How are you feeling about your reaction to the song?"
"I'm sure the Internet is buzzing about it, but I don't really give a fuck."
"You were amazing tonight, Shawn. Part of the reason I cried was out of overwhelming pride. You've worked so hard and seeing you on stage achieving your dream got to me."
Ceci hadn't come to see me perform on my last tour, and I'd improved a lot since she'd been in the audience almost three years ago in New York City.
"Your opinion means the world to me."
We sat on the terrace sipping our tea, and with each passing minute the familiar tension that permeated our friendship grew stronger. I turned my head and pressed my lips against her forehead which made her shiver.
"Ceci..." I whispered, my voice hoarse.
"I know," she replied. "It's always there, isn't it?"
"Mmhmm. Always." I took her chin in my hand and lifted her face towards mine so that I could kiss her.
Our kisses started out tentative, which was often the case when we'd gone too long between these encounters. It didn't take long for them to deepen as we gave in to the passion.
"Stay with me tonight," I asked.
She just nodded.
We left our tea on the terrace and walked into my condo hand in hand, continuing up the stairs to the master suite after she grabbed her purse from the entryway.
At the end of my large bed, she pulled my shirt off. She'd worn a pretty dress tonight, and I carefully lifted it over her head. I gasped as I looked at her sexy body clad only in a matching lace bra and bikini.
"So beautiful," I murmured as I trailed kisses along her collarbone.
She lightly ran her fingers over my torso and chest before hooking them on the elastic of my sweats. As she pulled them down I had to take several deep breaths to calm myself. No matter how many times we'd been together, it was always exhilarating.
"Sit down," she directed and I did as I was told.
She knelt in front of me, pushing my knees apart, and then clutched my right thigh with her left hand as her other one palmed me through my boxers. She'd been the first woman to touch me like this, though she wasn't as cautious as she'd been when we were sixteen. I lifted myself up slightly and tugged down my Calvins so that the cotton fabric was no longer a barrier. I thought she'd touch me again, but instead she dipped her head down and took all of me in her mouth, making me groan loudly. I took my right hand and gathered up her long hair, pulling it away from her face. She looked up and me with her chocolate eyes and started to bob her head up and down. Just when I thought I couldn't take much more, she stopped, probably because she wanted me to save it for sex. I had something I wanted to do first.
I lifted her upright and removed both her bra and panties. I liked to start with her nipples since that tended to drive her crazy. She stood between my legs as I suckled each breast, my hands placed firmly on her hips. I kept this up until she started to whimper, which told me she needed more. In one swift movement, I tossed her on the bed so that her legs were over the edge. It was my turn to get down on my knees. With her calves resting on my shoulders, I lowered my head down to her core to taste her sweetness. Using my tongue and my fingers, it took very little time to turn her into a squirming mess.
While I grabbed a condom from the bathroom and put it on, she moved upward on the bed so that her head was on a pillow.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked.
"Do I seem to be having second thoughts?"
I smiled and positioned myself between her legs. As I plunged into her, it struck me that the last time we'd done this, we'd made a baby. I looked into her eyes and was positive she was thinking the same thing. Pushing those thoughts away, I started to move in and out of her.
"Jesus Christ, Ceci," I groaned. "You feel so good."
She grabbed onto my curls and pulled me downwards so that we could kiss, and the knowledge that she was tasting herself on my lips drove me crazy with desire, though I wanted to hold back for a long as possible.
She had other plans.
"Come for me, Shawn," she begged.
I looked at her, confused as to why she'd want it over so quickly.
"We have all night," she reassured me. "This is just the beginning."