It had been a month since I broke up with Xavier, and I was receiving calls and texts from him from the past few weeks. I was trying my best to ignore it. I could not falter. I did not want to take my decision back. I believed it was for the best and it was for both of us.
For the first week since our break up, he sent me a milk-tea, with a note saying, "I want to win you back, Mico. Please, let's talk." I thought he was okay with it already, but here he was sending me my favorite milk-tea. I told my best friends about this, and they told me that I should at least give Xavier what he wanted -- that maybe he wanted us to talk in person so that I could explain to him.
Even my friends did not understand why I chose this path for me. I did not expect them to -- because I, myself, was also trying to figure out what pushed me to this. I wanted this for myself and that was a selfish decision. But I could not stand seeing myself in a place where my mum used to be. I did not want to end up like her.
Week two when Xavier went in front of my house. He was asking my mum if he could talk to me for a while because we had a project to finish. My mum did not know about us yet. I was still not out yet. I still had not earned that courage, but Xavier supported me. He told me that he could wait. Whenever I was ready.
I told my mum that I was sick and I could not attend to any visitors -- it seemed that she felt what was going on, but chose to ignore it and advised Xavier to come another day.
"Mico, my graduation is coming in a week," he texted me on the third week of our break up. "I still want to win you back. I still want us to be back together. If you showed up, I will take it as a yes. But if you did not, even how hard it is for me, I will let you go. For your happiness. I wish to see you there, Mico. I love you."
And now I was here, standing outside the dome where the graduation was happening. I saw Xavier with his friends and mum. I saw him looking around, but I was hiding from him. I was not planning to show up. I just wanted to see him for the last time. I wanted to cherish the look on his face as he took that diploma. I just wanted to see him happy for the last time.
"I love you, Xavier, but I guess this is for the best," I thought to myself as if talking to him. "I have a lot to think about and aspirations for myself. I hope we meet again when things are better for me."
I knew I would soon regret this. But right now, this would be a decision that I would not take back. For us. For me.