CHAPTER 03:
JOKE'S ON YOU
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Thursday, August 15th
The ride back to their apartment was silent. Uncle and niece drained from the raucous events of the evening, both ready to call it a day and hit the sack. Once they entered through the threshold, Taina immediately went to ready herself for a shower, while her uncle said hello to a bottle of booze and reminisced through old black and white pictures of their family. Possibly the ones spent in Catalina. Her mother and father smiling away, while she made her sandcastles in one photo. Uncle Eddie and Aunt Dolores hopelessly in love in another photo.
Taina sighs as she takes off the last of her makeup, pinning her hair back and placing a shower cap over her head. The hot shower felt nice. Taina had to momentarily balance herself on the tile wall, still tipsy from her margarita. Those bartenders sure knew what they were doing.
After dressing in her pajamas-her mother's old set from Jamaica-Taina was out like a light by one in the morning and didn't wake up until half past eight. It took Taina twenty minutes to finally will herself out of bed, sift through her closet for what to wear, and freshen herself up in the bathroom. That took all of thirty minutes. She settled for a long white sleeve dress shirt, black dress pants, her favorite leopard print belt with faux fur and the matching heels that came with it. She did her hair in the fashion that the women did nowadays-but hers was no doubt much curler-and kept her makeup simple with dark red lipstick with a nice gloss to go on top.
When she entered the living/office space, Taina was met with the sight of her uncle knocked out on the sofa next to the double desk, a bottle of bourbon centimeters away from his fingertips. Taina shook her head, disappointed, and went to the kitchen for breakfast. In the fridge, there was a half-eaten bag of powdered and chocolate donut holes. Taina had no interest in actually cooking breakfast, besides, they needed to go grocery shopping for a proper breakfast anyways. Once she shoved a handful of donut holes down her throat, and washing them down with orange juice, a loud knock rapped at the door.
Taina eyes the door for a moment and then pans over to her uncle to see if he'll awaken from his drunken stupor. Eddie doesn't move until, after a few moments, he does. First, he rouses, then sits up and walks a crooked line to the door, as Taina pops another donut in her mouth.
Eddie opens the door and reveals Lieutenant Danny Santino on the other side.
"Lieutenant Santino," said Eddie, still waking up. "How ya doin'?"
"Morning!" said Taina through a mouthful, knowing it'd make her uncle cringe.
Santino ignores the question and regards Eddie with a mixture of disgust and pity but half smiles at Taina, giving her a brief wave. "Mornin', Tina." He turns back to her uncle. "Tell me you didn't do a snoop job for a toon named Roger Rabbit?"
Eddie blinks. "That's what you woke up me for?"
Side stepping her uncle into the apartment, Santino slaps the morning paper onto Eddie's side of the desk. Both Valiant's close in on the Lieutenant for a better look. Taina nearly chokes on whatever is left of the donut she's eating.
The headline screams: "TOON KILLS WOMAN!" and underneath it reads: "Miriam Acme murdered at the hands of jealous rabbit."
"You got trouble, Eddie," said Santino.
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The drive to the crime scene wasn't far. A dozen police cruisers were parked outside of the old Acme Factory. Every inch of the lot was blocked off with yellow police tape to keep out the public and nosey reporters. Taina almost felt like a celebrity climbing out of Santino's car, squinting as the cameras and reporters shouted for a comment from anyone beyond the yellow-velvet tape-rope of the crime scene.
Taina had to take a few big steps to catch up with her uncle and Santino as they made their way to the factory's entrance. But then Eddie stops and so does Taina to see what's grabbed his attention. Following his gaze, she sees the brightly colored fantasyland that is Toon Town. She's never been, of course, supposed she'd look greatly out of place among the vibrant and exaggerated.
"Now what?" said a slightly annoyed Santino.
"Just haven't been this close to Toon Town for a while," said Eddie.
Taina notices how different Toon Town's sky is. It's a different color-different blue; a "Toon Blue", you could call it.
Santino walks back and takes Eddie's arm. "Let's go, somebody wants to see you."
The factory is a large warehouse filled with stacks of Toon gags. Boxes of dynamite, giant slingshots, boulders, everything you could imagine in a Sunday morning cartoon. Santino stops where a large black safe is imbedded at a cockeyed angle in the floor. A forensic team is furiously at work around the safe. A neatly drawn chalk outline around a body is half obscured by the safe. Taina stops dead in her tracks. She's never seen a dead body. Not even her own father's. Taina didn't want to shatter the image of his dead body with the alive one she fondly remembers and sees in old photos.
"They say the rabbit got the safe idea from a cartoon he was makin' the other day," said Santino.
"What a gasser," mumbled Eddie, reciting the slogan to Acme products.
Santino's lighthearted demeanor fizzles when turning to the Valiant's. Taina's in a depressing trance and Eddie looks completely disgusted about something. The Lieutenant sighs. "Wait here." Santino walks off to Acme's glassed office where a sobbing Jesse Rabbit is being interrogated. Taina looks sympathetically to the man. It must suck finding out your father might be a murderer.
Eddie sidles over to where the Forensic team are dusting and checking the photographs they had taken for prints. One of the men looks up from his work.
"Say, didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant?"
Eddie ignores the slings and arrows and surveys of the crime scene. Taina notices the door of the safe is ajar. Curiosity getting the best of her, she tries to look inside. One of the Forensics closes the door with his knee, giving Taina a pointed look. Taina gives him an awkward smile, as she wanders back next to her uncle, feeling like a kid following around her parents at some adult event she wasn't invited to.
"Mr. and Miss Valiant?" asked a familiar voice. Uncle and niece turn around, as they are face to face with the speakeasy singer from the night before-Jesse Rabbit. He was as remarkably beautiful as he was on the stage twelve hours ago. But Jesse didn't look like he wanted to serenade them, he looked about ready to beat the snot out of one, or both, of them. And as Taina expected, he was, because without a second thought, Jesse punches Eddie clear in the jaw, sending her uncle to the ground.
"I hope you're proud of yourself!" said Jesse, who then briefly gazes at Taina. He turns on his heel and then shouts over his shoulder as he leaves: "And those pictures you took!"
The Forensic team stares on as Jesse departs, fuming as he goes. One of the men smiles knowingly to Taina, wiggling his eyebrows. "He likes you, Valiant."
"When they drew him, they broke the pencil," commented another Forensic.
Taina rolls her eyes, kneeling to her uncle's aid. She does her best from bursting in laughter at her uncle's surprising assault. "Are you okay?"
"Stop smiling, you brat!" grumbled her uncle, picking himself up. Taina openly giggles now, prodding the slightly bruised spot growing on Eddie's jaw, as her uncle slaps her hand away in frustration.
Two white-jackets from the Coroner's office load Acme's body onto a stretcher, placing a white sheet over her. As they pass the Valiant's, a pale hand still wearing a Hand Buzzer flops out. Eddie grabs it, stopping the stretcher.
"Ew. Dead person cooties," mumbled Taina.
Eddie ignores her. "Makes you wonder what in the world he was doing with a woman who didn't clean her fingernails."
Imbedded under the fingernails of Miriam Acme is a reddish-brown substance.
"So... it's blood," said a Forensic.
Eddie peels a piece of it off. It chips and falls to the ground. He squats to examine it. "It's not blood, it's paint."
"Paint?" asked Taina. "From where?"
Suddenly the end of a cane comes down on Eddie's hand, pinning it to the floor. Both Valiant's heads turn up the cane to its gavel-shaped head past black pants, a black robe, to a cadaver-like complected face, and a large, hooked proboscis. The man's head is shaved and wears rimless tinted glasses that obscure his eyes. Although he's human, his total appearance is frighteningly vulture-like. Santino stands next to him.
"Is this man removing evidence from the scene of a crime?" said the vulture-like man. A sudden wave of uncomfortable fear runs through Taina. Why did he look like a villain straight out of a cartoon?
"Uh, no, Judge Doom," said Santino. "Valiant here was just about to hand it over, weren't you, Eddie?"
"I'll take that?" Judge Doom takes his cane off Eddie's hand and reaches out for the paint chip. Eddie makes the effort to palm a piece and drops the smaller piece into Doom's hand. The Judge examines it.
"Looks like the deceased grabbed a handful of your client's pantaloons, Mr. Valiant."
Taina eyes the Judge, an odd feeling creeping up on her.
"He's not my client," said Eddie, annoyed. "I was workin' for R.K. Maroon."
"Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon. He told us the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures and said nothing would stand in the way of him getting his son back. Is that true?" said Doom.
"Hey, pal, do I look like a stenographer?" asked Eddie, not wanting the big bad Judge to make him seem inadequate at his job.
"Watch your mouth, Eddie, he's a judge," warned Santino.
"More like undertaker," quipped Taina.
Doom smiles thinly at the Valiant's, turns and walks with purpose towards the door. Santino, Eddie, and Taina follow.
"The rabbit's movements are fairly clear after leaving Maroon Studios," said Doom. "He ran across the street, jimmied this door open, hoisted the safe on a block and tackle..." Doom leads them outside and indicates a window. "...then stood out here waiting for his prey. After he cold-bloodedly accomplished his task, he went home. He was almost apprehended there by my men."
Doom nods his head toward a group of sinister weasels (Disney's "Wind In The Willows"). The weasels are loitering by a dogcatcher's wagon with "Toon Town Control" printed on the side, as the weasels cleaned their fingernails with switchblades and polished Toon revolvers.
"What in the-" mumbled Taina confused. She's never seen a more ridiculous looking pack of toons in her life. The weasels looked more like a gang of Italian mobsters than supposal "peacekeepers" of Toon Town.
"Men?" said Eddie, just as confused as his niece. "You mean those weasels?"
"Yes, I find that weasels have a special gift for the work," said Doom. "The rabbit didn't contact you by any chance, did he?"
"Why would he contact me?" asked Eddie. "I just took some lousy pictures."
"So, you wouldn't have any idea where he might be?" said Doom, very accusingly.
"Have you tried Walla Walla?" said an unserious Eddie. Taina decides to join the wagon of mocking the Judge.
Taina nods. "Yeah, I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of year!"
Doom doesn't look too thrilled at their jesting because he looks about ready to wring both their necks. "I'm surprised you two aren't more cooperative, Mr. and Miss Valiant," began Doom. "A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that? My goal is as Judge of Toon Town has been to rein in the insanity. To bring a semblance of law and order to a place where no civilized person has ever been able to step foot. The only way to do that is to make the toons respect the law."
Like the timing of a perfectly placed joke in a cartoon, a sudden "YA-HA-HOOEY" interrupts Doom's pontification, as a scruffy little toon gopher comes hurtling over the wall from the Toon Town side. The little gopher holds his blackened rear end, apparently the result of a run-in with a stick of dynamite.
BONK!
The gopher hits Doom on the back of his head, sending them both sprawling. Taina doesn't restrain herself from laughing, while Eddie smirks, and Santino looks baffled at the two. The gopher picks himself up and shakes off the effects of the concussion. When the gopher sees who he's knocked over, he panics.
"Judge Doom!" said the petrified gopher. "Here, let me get that for ya."
The gopher whips a lint brush out of his back pocket and furiously tries to clean the Judge's cloak. Doom seizes the gopher by the scruff of his neck and gets to his feet. Taina's laughing ceases and glares at the Judge for his barbaric handling of the toon gopher.
"Why, you filthy little vagrant, you've soiled my robe!" shouted an agitated Doom.
"It's cleanin' up real good. Judge," said the gopher.
"You've defiled a symbol of justice."
As Doom carries the gopher to the "Toon Control" vehicle, Eddie shoots a look at Santino. "Where'd this gargoyle come from anyway?"
"No one knows," said Santino. "He bought the election a few years back. He's been rulin' Toon Town ever since."
"Ruling?" said Taina. "Like a dictator?"
When Doom gets to the wagon, the weasels open the back doors. In place of steel bars is a stream of fluid. A weasel turns a key and the flow of liquid stops. The gopher starts kicking furiously, trying to avoid the lock-up.
"What the hell is that crap?" said Taina aloud.
"Oh, no," cried the gopher. "Judge, please, please, lemme go. I think I hear my mother callin' me."
The gopher manages to jimmy himself out of Doom's hold and makes a desperate dash for the wall. Doom watches him run and calmly turns to where his car is parked. It's a black Lincoln touring car with an ugly bird-like hood ornament.
"Voltaire!" shouts Doom. "The gopher!"
Suddenly, the hood ornament "squawks" to life. It's a hideous toon vulture. Taina nearly stumbles back from the jump scare. The vulture flaps into flight.
Just as the gopher is about to make it over the top of the wall the vulture's talons sink into his rear end and lift him airborne. The vulture drops the gopher off in front of the weasels and they hold him down.
"Hey, don't I have rights?" said the gopher.
"Yes, you do..." said Doom, with a sinister smile. "to a swift and speedy trial."
Taina can't stop herself from speaking up. "You can't do that!" Santino and Eddie give her a look to be quiet. Eddie holds her arm to keep her from doing anything stupid. His niece could be impulsive at times.
The judge and the weasels ignore Taina, as a weasel in a green pinstriped suit smoking a cigar retrieves a briefcase from the sedan not too far away, places it on the hood and snaps it open. Twelve toon kangaroos pop up, arranged in a jury box.
"Court is in session," Doom raps the gopher on the head with a gavel end of his cane. "The defendant is charged with vagrancy, assault and resisting arrest. How do you find him?"
The kangaroo court delivers the verdict instantly. Twelve little kangaroo joey's pop out of their momma's pouches, holding up small cards, each with a letter spelling: Y-O-U A-R-E G-U-I-L-T-Y.
"Guilty as charged!" exclaimed Judge Doom. "Case closed!"
Taina wants so badly to jump in and beat the wretched judge with his own cane.
Judge Doom slams the briefcase shut. He turns his attention back to the gopher, "I hereby sentence you to the Dip!"
"Oh, no," cried the gopher. "not the Dip! Anything but the Dip! I'm too young to die..."
As the Judge pulls on a black rubber glove, the weasels take out a stainless-steel tub wheezing with sadistic glee. They fill it from a spigot on the vehicle.
"What's he talking about? What's the Dip?" asked Taina, quickly.
"That's how he gets rid of the 'troublemakers'. It's a combination of acetone, turpentine, and paint remover. He calls it the Final Solution," explained Santino.
Taina is now the one holding onto her uncle, fearing, and knowing that she can't do anything. Any interference could result in arrest of some sort with a made-up story of how she tried to assault the judge.
The gopher is wriggling and screaming bloody murder as Doom lifts him up and holds him over the tub. Then, as he's lowered into the solution-the Dip-he starts to disappear. His pathetic screams are muffled mid-yelp, "Help! Help! He..."
The gopher's gone. All that's left of him is a paint slick on the surface of the liquid.
"Jesus," said Eddie, in disbelief. Taina can feel the overwhelming vault of her emotions trickle out as a few stray tears stain her cheeks, holding on tight to her uncle's arm. She feels as if this will be the first of many toon deaths at the hands of this "judge".
Doom pulls off the black rubber gloves finger by finger and hands them to a weasel, the one dressed in the pink, the leader. He turns to the two Valiants, one in disbelief and one about ready to sob uncontrollably, "They're not kid gloves, Mr. and Miss Valiant. But that's how we handle things in Toon Town. I would think you'd appreciate that." He gets into his car, he pauses and looks back at the two Valiants, "After all, didn't a toon kill your brother, Mr. Valiant, your father, Miss Valiant?"
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Never in Taina's short life did she ever want to witness something as heinous as the demolishment of an innocent toon again. That so-called "judge" needed to be put behind bars for what he's done. Sometimes Taina wishes she had gone to school for politics and not for the bright lights of the stage and became a politician, and then the president to change and grant the beneficial laws for toons. Something needed to be done. But until then, Taina will still be the struggling actress she is now.
Eddie had dragged her to the Terminal bar to forget what had just happened and to deliver the money he owed Dolores. Therw was only one customer. A grey-haired trolley man in his Red Car uniform was sat on the barstool, his hat next to him, and drunk as a sailor.
Taina chose to indulge in the toxicity of washing her worries away with a red wine sitting behind the counter. Dolores raises a brow at her, hand on her hip.
"Don't tell me you're turnin' into him, Teeny?" asked Dolores.
"No," said Taina, taking a big gulp of the bittersweet drink. "Just need something to forget the monstrosities of this morning's unfortunate events."
Dolores gives her a look of pure confusion. She then turns to Eddie. "Looks like you and Teeny have really stepped in it this time."
"What are you complaining about?" said Eddie, as he slides the check for fifty dollars across the bar. "Here's your money."
A grumble comes from the trolley man a few seats down, and the three of them fail to make out what he just said.
"What's with Earl?" asked Eddie.
"A new outfit bought the Red Car," said Dolores. "Some big company called Cloverleaf Industries."
"No kiddin'?" said Eddie in disbelief. The Red Car has been running since before Taina was born and when Eddie and her father were studying to become policemen. "Bought the Red Cars, huh?"
"Bastards put him on notice."
Eddie picks up his glass and lifts it in toast to the trolley man. Taina does the same with a shot glass filled with red wine.
"Here's to the pencil pushers," said Eddie. "May they all get lead poisoning."
Taina and Eddie down their drinks. The trolley man unsteadily climbs up on his stool to get close to the Holy Grail-the Red Car route map over the bar.
"The old Number Six Line," said the trolley man wistfully. "Who'da thought they'd close that one down?"
"Eddie, get him down from there," said Dolores. "He's gonna break his neck."
Eddie grabs Earl around the legs and throws him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and carries him over to a booth, placing Earl down carefully, and covers him with a tablecloth as if it were a warm blanket.
"Took you right to Toon Town, it did," slurred Earl.
"I know, I know. Poor S.O.B." said Eddie, trying his best to comfort the trolley man. Eddie takes his seat back at the bar. Taina has started shelling peanuts.
"Do you think the rabbit did it?" asked Dolores, lowering her voice.
"No," said Taina through a mouthful of peanuts. "I have no evidence, but I know he didn't do, he couldn't have."
"Whatever you say," mumbled Eddie pouring himself another drink.
"Make that a round," said a gruff, gravelly voice.
Taina, Eddie, and Dolores all look down at the bar, expect to see a middle-aged man smoking his tenth cigar that day, but there's no one there. Then, the familiar cowlick of Baby Herman rises to the top of the bar as he clambers up a barstool.
"We don't serve formula, Snookums," teased Dolores.
Don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh, chanted Taina in her head. No matter how funny, don't laugh.
"You serve martinis, doncha?" asked Baby Herman.
"Yeah..."
"This can't be legal," whispered Taina to herself and Eddie.
Baby Herman slides his baby bottle down the bar to Dolores. "Make it dry," he said. "Baby doesn't like to be wet." He then looks at Eddie. (Taina is about to burst from awkward laughter.) "You're Eddie Valiant, right? The name's Baby Herman. Hiya, toots."
Taina gives him an awkward smile and goes back to downing peanuts as Dolores stifles her amusement.
"I know who you are," said Eddie. "Kinda out of your neighborhood, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I had to go slummin'," said the baby. "See, a friend of mine's bein' framed."
"You mean Roger Rabbit?" asked Taina without thinking. She's moved onto pretzels down and has finished half the bottle of cheap wine.
"They got him cold," added Eddie.
"You don't believe that. I mean, the guy's an idiot, a moron, a complete fool..." the baby shook his head. "But he'd never kill anyone. I know the guy." Dolores finishes with Baby Herman's drink and slides his baby bottle cocktail over to him. "Thanks, doll." As Dolores turns around, Baby Herman "pats" her on the rear. Taina nearly leaps to her aunt's defense, wanting to beat the crap out of that "baby", but is stopped by a pointed look from Dolores.
"Oh, a ladies' man, huh?" said Dolores over her shoulder.
"My problem is I got a fifty-year-old lust and three-year-old dinkie," said the baby.
Taina must stop herself from gagging and spitting every single bite of pretzel into a napkin like a child given something they don't like.
"My problem," said Eddie. "is I come here to drink in peace. So, if you don't mind..."
"C'mon, Valiant, doesn't this whole thing smell a bit funny to you? I mean, no offense, but how did a mucky-muck like R.K. Maroon find you in the first place?" said Baby Herman.
"Yeah, Eddie, it's not like you got an ad in the Yellow Pages," chimed Dolores.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence," said Eddie.
"And another thing," continues Baby Herman. "the paper said no Will was found. But every toon knew Acme had a Will and in it she promised to leave Toon Town to the toons."
"Where is it then?" asked Eddie.
"Obviously, someone took it," said Taina, taking a sip of wine. "Aren't you supposed to be the detective, uncle?"
"Quiet, you," mumbled Eddie.
"The papers said the safe door was opened, Eddie," said Dolores.
"Stick to stuffin' olives, willya, Dolores!" said Eddie, annoyed. Taina hits his arm, scolding him. Dolores doesn't take it to heart.
"My hunch is it was Maroon," declared Baby Herman. "He was always after Acme's property."
"Don't say things you aren't sure about," said Taina to the baby.
"Yeah," said Eddie, raising a brow. "Does he wear pants this color?" Eddie takes the paint chip out of his pocket and dangles it in front of Baby Herman.
"No. But neither does Roger," said Baby Herman, after inspecting the paint chip. "That's Diablo Red. Roger's pants are Sunrise Orange."
"Well, I'll be..." trails off Dolores.
"So, what's your next move, Valiants?" asked Baby Herman.
"My next move?" scoffed Eddie. "That's easy," he's talking as if he's got this whole murder case figured out. (Which he doesn't). "I'm gettin' up, and I'm walkin' out the door, and I'm goin' home to bed." Eddie stands from his seat.
"So, you're not even going to try, uncle?" asked Taina. Her uncle has really given up.
"He's a Toon... who cares?" shrugged Eddie.
"You did, once upon a time."
Eddie stops and an almost sad look falls upon Eddie's face. Eddie's hard-boiled demeanor returns as he walks towards the exit.
Baby Herman shakes his head sorrowfully. "The kid ain't wrong. You used to care, and it didn't matter if a client's skin was white, black, or painted!"
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Author's Note: Sorry for the absence. If you find any errors or awkward sentences, please ignore them, it will be fixed when I feel like fixing it.