It has been four weeks. He didn’t showed up to run with her again or apologized. He doesn’t sit close to her in class or in the cafeteria, never sends her any texts with insults or shows up at her house like he’s a totally different person. The only thing he does is remove the post-its on her locker everyday, they’re always ripped on the floor when she gets there.
Camila continues to exist and Shawn continues to exists, but they don’t exist together. The more the days pass since that weekend she spent with him, the more she keeps questioning herself, but she’s just too stubborn to ask. She wants to know why he lost his mind like that and why didn’t he just let it go instead of being angry like that. She wants to know why he didn’t try to apologize because she’s pretty sure she would have given him another chance. What he did was crazy, strange and a little possessive, but she knows that if she compared it to all of the wonderful things about him, it wouldn’t even have mattered that much.
Troye doesn’t even try to understand what happened and neither does she, at least that’s what she tells him, because deep down it's eating her inside. Whenever she thinks about what happened between them, it feels so surreal, almost like it was just a dream. She keeps wondering to herself if that weekend actually happened or it’s just another one of those invalidated memories she has.
The one thing that hasn’t left her mind is the fact that she didn’t even kissed him, she wanted it so much and the thought of not doing it ever feels like a hole in her chest. The way they had such an easy interaction, him touching her like that was what he supposed to do or the kisses on her head, those were all parts of something much bigger. Something so big that even though they didn’t kiss, it deserved certain respect. He’s treating what happened between them like something wrong and that really hurts her because she knows he felt something, and if he felt like she did, then she knows those feelings are still there.
••••
“ What is this?” Camila asks Troye while looking over the table. He just placed a very nicely wrapped box in front of her.
“ Just a little reminder.”
“ Of what?” She asks confused.
“ It’s a reminder that tomorrow is your birthday. Now, open it.”
“ I was hoping you’d forget it.” She says before sighing and rolling her eyes.
“ Open the damn present, Camila. I know you hate getting gifts, but I love giving them, so stop being a depressive bitch and open it, love it, hug me and thank me.”
“ You’re a good gift wrapper.” Camila says untying the bow and tearing the box open. “ You got me a tv?”
“ That’s not a tv, dummy. It’s an e-reader.” Troye says laughing.
“ Oh.” She says. “ I have no idea what an e-reader is, but I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to have one. I would take it like I did with the phone Lauren gave me, but this is too big for me to hide in my pocket.”
“ You’re kidding, right?” He asks leaning over the table. “ You don’t know what an e-reader is?”
“ It looks like a tiny tv to me.” She shrugs.
Troye laughs even louder and takes the e-reader out of the box, handing it to her.
“ It’s an electronic device that holds more books than you’ll ever be able to read.”
He presses a button and the screen lights up, dozen of small pictures of books appearing in front of Camila’s eyes. Clicking in one of them, Troye slides the pages so she can take a look at the first chapter. Camila starts touching the screen while watching the pages turn effortlessly, knowing that’s the best thing she has ever seen in her life.
“ Wow.” She whispers.
She keeps staring at the e-reader, hoping Troye is not pranking her because if he takes it off her hands, she’ll just run after him.
“ You like it?” He asks proudly. “ I loaded about two hundred free books on there, so you should be good for awhile.”
She looks up to him, who has a big smile on his face, then places the e-reader on the table before throwing herself at him. It’s the best gift she has ever gotten, so she’s hugging him really tight, not caring that she usually hates getting gifts. Troye places a kiss on her cheek and when she opens her eyes, she involuntarily looks to the table she’s been avoiding for the last four weeks. Shawn is looking at them with a smile on his face, making her feel sad all of the sudden and look away from him before sitting back on her seat.
“ You know, Troye. You really are amazing.”
••••
It’s Camila’s last day as a seventeen year old and Teresa is out of town working once again. She tried to cancel the trip because she felt bad about being away during her daughter’s birthday, but Camila wouldn’t let her. They celebrated her birthday the night before and she got some good gifts, but not as good as the e-reader Troye gave her.
She didn’t bake as much as she did the last time, not because she didn’t want it, but because her reading addiction had reached a new peak. It’s midnight and her eyes don’t want to stay open, but she already read almost two books, wanting to finish the second one. Her eyes keep closing while she tries to fight it, but the words stop making sense on her mind, so she just turns the lights off and thinks how her last day being seventeen could have been so much better.
••••
Camila’s eyes open quickly, but she doesn’t move. It’s still dark and she’s still in the same position as she breathes quietly while trying to pay attention to the sound that woke her up, the sound of her window being opened. She can hear the curtains while someone gets in, and even though she knows she should scream and run to the door, she just stays there. Whoever is in there is not trying to be silent, so she’s really hoping it might Shawn, but even with that thought her heart is beating really fast.
She feels the bed shift when he lays down next to her and the closer he gets, the more sure she is that it is actually him, because he’s the only one capable of causing such a reaction on her body. She takes her hands to her face when he lifts the covers, feeling terrified because she has no idea which one of Shawn’s versions is laying down next to her in that moment.
One of his arms slides under her pillow while the other is wrapped around her body, pulling her against his chest and interlocking their fingers. She’s very aware to the fact that she only has a tanktop and a pair of panties on, but she’s pretty sure that’s not why he’s there. She still doesn’t know why he’s there and even though he’s not saying anything, she’s sure he knows she’s awake because he hugs her tightly while placing soft kisses on her hair.
Camila is angry at him for being there, but she’s even angrier at herself for wanting him there. No matter how much she wished she would just yell and make him leave, she realizes she will always want him to hold her a little bit tighter, afraid he’ll ever let her go again. She hates the fact that there are so many sides of him and she’s not even sure if she wants to understand all of them. They just keep laying down on her bed for about half an hour without saying anything, his arms never letting go of her in order to give her an explanation. She knows she’ll never get anything from him unless she asks, but she doesn’t feel like doing that in that moment.
Shawn lets her hands go, reaching for her head and placing a kiss on top of it before burying his face on her hair. His arms are shaking, holding her with so much strength and desperation that her heart might break. The only thing that stops her from crying is the fact that her eyes are firmly closed. At some point, Camila feels the silence suffocating her, she needs to talk or even scream. She knows her voice will carry a lot of hurt and sadness and that it’ll be almost impossible to say anything without crying, but she just takes a deep breath and speaks anyway.
“ I’m so mad at you.” She feels him tightening his hold on her, his mouth going to her ear.
“ I know, Camila.” He whispers as his hand goes under her shirt, his palm pressing against her stomach and pulling her even closer. “ I know.”
He only said five words, but that was enough to break her her heart and then pull it back together all at once. She runs her fingers across the hand that is firmly holding her, every part of her body wanting to touch him to make sure he’s actually there, that it’s all real and not just a very realistic dream. His mouth touches her shoulder as he opens his lips, kissing her softly as the sensation of his tongue on her skin sends a wave of heat throughout her whole body.
“ I know.” He whispers again, exploring her collarbone and neck with his lips.
Her eyes are still closed as the distress on his voice and the tenderness on his touch makes the whole room spin around her. She lifts her hand to his hair, pressing him even harder against her neck as his hot breath against her skin and his kisses get more frantic, both of them breathing heavily as he explores every inch of her neck twice.
He lifts up on his arms and makes her lay down on her back, taking his hand to her face and brushing a strand of hair from her eyes. Seeing him so up close makes all of her feelings for him come back, the good and the bad ones. Just looking at him, Camila knows he’s hurting just as much as her, that they’re feeling exactly the same way, which makes his attitude even more confusing for her.
“ I know you’re mad at me.” He says looking at her, his eyes and words full of regret, but he still doesn’t apologize. “ I need you to be mad at me, Camila. But I think I need even more for you to still want me here.” Camila nods her head because she can’t disagree with him, she’s furious, but she wants him to stay even more.
Shawn rests his forehead against hers and then they both hold each other’s faces, looking desperately at one another. She doesn’t know if he’s about to kiss her or get up and leave, but she’s pretty sure in that moment that she’ll never be same again. The intensity of the moment brings some tears to her eyes, making even herself surprised at her unexpected emotions.
“ I’m really mad at you, Shawn.” She says with a shaky voice. “ But, no matter how mad I am, I never for one second stopped wanting you here with me.”
“ Jesus, Camila.” He says smiling and frowning at the same time. “ I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
He quickly presses his lips against hers, and she reacts almost immediately because there’s no patient left in her anymore. She parts her lips and lets him fill her the taste of mint leaves and soda, thinking it’s everything she always imagined and even more. It’s delicate, firm, cautious and selfish, all at once. She never felt so much like she’s feeling as their lips intertwine for the first time, it’s so perfect that she knows everything was worth it so that they could get to that point.
Their lips move passionately as they try to get even closer, hoping to find the same connection with their bodies. His mouth moves delicately against hers as she follows his lead, several moans and gasps leaving her. They kiss nonstop in every possible position, trying to contain themselves until where their desire allows them, getting to a point where Camila can’t feel her lips anymore, not knowing if they’re even still kissing.
Shawn rest his forehead against hers finally breaking their kisses and that’s exactly how they fall asleep, their foreheads touching as their bodies are wrapped into one another in silence. Nothing else is said between them, not a single apology.