"Unnie!" Lilian yelled bringing me back to earth, all of them looking at me worriedly. I blinked a few times, realized that I was sitting among actual people. "I called your name so many times" Susan laughed. "Yeah.. I was thinking about something" I said as I tried to clear my thoughts.
Lilian grabbed my hands, "come on I want to show you something." She ushers me through the hallway to her room, so much excited she was, it made me a little nervous. Soon I was standing with her outside her bedroom.The room brightened as Lilian switched on the lights. Her room was filled with paintings, canvases, paints and many other stuff. "It looks like storage room" I said blankly, trying to swallow the lump forming deep in my throat.
Ignoring my remark, she picked up a canvas, a beautiful scenery painted on it, "I finally learned to paint Unnie" she said proudly. I grabbed the canvas from her hands, gently, took in every single detail, it was painted beautifully. I turned my head towards her, she was waiting for me to speak, to praise, a big idiotic grin plastered on her face. "You improved a lot Lilian-ah" I patted her head, unfortunately that was all I could say, not because she didn't do good enough, the painting was perfect. The only problem was the way, the environment I was raised in.
"Really? Thanks Unnie!" she giggled.
Once again my eyes scanned the room, I once wanted my room to be the same. Lilian showed me many other paintings and sketches, telling me how difficult it was and how much time she spend on them. But the only thing I was really paying attention to was the urge to draw and paint like her. My fingers were aching to touch those beautiful brushes and color pencils.
5 years ago, I locked all my dreams and desires in a box and threw it away in an ocean of agony to be the person my family wanted me to be, at least I tried. But I become someone neither me or my family had ever imagined. I had many dreams, many ideas... but they were crushed one by one by my own parents.
God gave me a creative mind, l was naturally good at drawing and painting. Whenever I had a pen in my hand, I won't even realize how and when my hand moved to make a beautiful picture. My cousins envied me because they weren't that good even after taking arts classes. But my mom and dad hated it and always taunted me.
They said, I was wasting my time with such useless thing..
I was good at playing football and some other games but it was also a no.
Interested in politics but no. Fashion designer, no. I wanted to learn judo and wrestling but no. I only heard no, no and no. The word 'no' burnt everything inside of me and it increased to me burning the world outside of me. My mother always said I do nothing and when she was young. She learned embroidery, sew clothes and some other stuff.
So to impress her, I learned embroidery and sew clothes. But you know what she said? 'Sarah why are you wasting your time on these things, focus on your studies.'
"You are a girl Sarah, are you out of your mind? I can't believe it, you want to learn judo? Have you seen Niome and Zoe, how graceful are they."
"Amber learned to cook rice" aunt Aera said proudly as my mother gave me side glances. But I knew how to cook many more things then just rice, my mother never taught how to cook, I learned it on my own.
I would clean the house so that she would say, 'you did a great job Sarah.' Or maybe well done would have been fine too. But no, my ears craved for listening those small unspoken words, that would have changed so many things that we all regret now. She never appreciated me or encouraged me and as for my dad. He never really talked to me. My daddy dearest changed I don't even remember when.
Maybe I was 11 or 12, when he stopped talking to me. Before that his love for me was unconditional. The reasons of the distance between included my grandmother, her daughter Katherine and then Katherine's two daughters and two sons, lastly my bad reaction to the way distant himself from me and my lust to have his full attention.
Zuri, Katherine's first daughter, she was 6 years younger than I. One day, Zuri and I where sitting on the porch, summer was at it's peak, we were both pretty young at the time, I was probably 11 at the time, while my father talked to someone on the phone. He is complaining about his back pain and how it was difficult for him to even move.
Out of nowhere, Zuri slapped on his face, and before my father's eyes, he didn't bothered with it. So now I slapped Zuri back. I remembered my father leaping towards, I knew what was coming and before I knew I was already running towards the garden. I glanced back, the in and out, and between the black, the glimpse of him running after me still freshly played in my mind. I remembered those horrific expressions on his, they were hateful, full of anger and almost monstrous.
I knew I couldn't out ran him and he had no intention of stopping, so my brain allowed my legs to slow down and adrenaline let go of my hand. Dad grabbed me from my neck and jerked me back towards him, next were two hard slaps on my face and a few cursed words.
He let go of me and I fell on the grass while he walked back to his crying niece whose dried upon seeing me beaten.
"Noona?" I felt Joshua intertwined his fingers with mine, I looked down at him, his innocent face twisted to confusion when saw a single tear running down my face and soon another followed, "yes?" I swallowed the lump in my throat as I wiped my tears quickly. "I'm hungry." He said quietly almost as if he didn't want to say those words. I nodded, "let's go it's almost time for dinner."
I could think about these incidents later, there are so many, it would probably take me days to think about them all, anyways.
**
Two months later:
"No try the other one!" I gave both aunt Helena and my Mom an annoyed look. "Go Sarah!" Aunt Helena said firmly, I huffed and stomped back to dressing. Finding a wedding dress would be this hard, never imagined it. It's almost been 3 hours, mom and aunt Helena dragged me for shopping, it isn't something that I enjoy a lot. There are occasions when for hours but not at the moment, not with these two ladies.
Just two week left and then I'll be married... It's so weird to even think about it. What if he didn't like me? my personality? We only met once at the mansion, never been on date, never even talked on the phone with each other. What if he regrets marring me?
I put on the dress and walked out to show it to the ladies outside, what a hectic day! My stepped slowed down when I saw my mom crying, Aunt Helena wiping her tears. "I have been longing to see these days" mom said, "she grew up so quickly and now it's time to say goodbye.." She sniffed. So sad..!? I guess.
Goodbye? I'm not going to another planet but I didn't plane to meet her often. I gladly I'll be moving to another city, away from them.
They turned towards me, auntie Helena's eyes were teary too "she looks so beautiful" auntie said. "So which one?" I asked bluntly and once again there long discussion started.
**
"Autumn!" I called from afar, his immediately came running to me. I tried to pet him but couldn't because he was jumping in excitement. "Long time no see, ahe?"
He finally calmed down, "you were a bad boy while I wasn't here, right?" He pulled away from me. "Oh of course, how can autumn be a bad boy, let's go for a walk then I'll give you marshmallows."
I hoped up on him, "let's go!" I gave slight pat on his back before he literally started flying. Autumn got a bad temper just like me. He won't let anyone sit on him except me. My love for him is unconditional. "Faster autumn!" I gave jerk to the leash on my hands. My hairs dancing wildly in the air, I felt alive. Horse riding is love for me. The only thing, they didn't stop me from doing.
Because the horse stable is far from my apartment, I couldn't come here often and not to mention my work at hospital. Today Ashley and Amber were coming here so I thought I might join them and say goodbye to autumn. I don't know when I would be able to come back and meet him.
We stopped by a small pond, I sat down under the tree, I took out some carrots from my bag, I brought for Autumn. He gladly ate as I patted his head. "Ah autumn.. my love. My life" I sighed. "I told you everything that happens in my life. For past six years, I never felt happy even once. But you know what?"
"I'm getting married" he put his head on my lap, I smiled "to Kim Teahyung. It feels like a dream, who would want a woman like me. But maybe God is giving me a chance to live. Maybe he is gift for me after all these years of suffering. Maybe he was the reason I couldn't end my life. Is it not fate?"
With the setting sun came a sky of fire, the orange of every wintry hearth. It was the battle cry to the gathering night, that the only achievement of darkness is to show starlight all the more clearly. Sighing I got up and dusted my clothes. "Let's go back, autumn. Let's see what future had stored for us."