Mia 💛
It was still early morning and I was laying in my bed and scrolling through my social. While I laid there, I was thinking about these past few weeks. I couldn't believe how my life had entirely changed since this school year started. It hadn't even been a month, and yet, it was crazier than all of the years I'd been in college.
I snorted sarcastically to myself. I was the lucky one that had to deal with a crazy ass roommate, a younger brother who was being unusually distant, and Zane Miller, the distraction that I didn't need or want. I swiped out of my Facebook app and placed my phone on the bed. I looked up at the ceiling fan as my mind wandered as I processed some of the things that were recently going on in my life. Thank God for the weekends. The weekends were the times when I could finally release some of the stress that I'd been feeling throughout the week by participating in wellness activities.
Today was Saturday and I had several things planned. The first thing I had on my agenda was to finally speak with my little brother about everything that had been going on with him. He'd been unusually distant and I needed to get down to the bottom of it. Couple that with the fact that I had concrete evidence that he was hiding his relationship with Harper. Knowing this was frustrating because I had no idea how deep their relationship really was. And the fact that he hadn't told me anything felt like a slap in my face, especially because we were usually so close.
I glanced down at my phone to check the time and realized that Josh should be arriving at my apartment any moment now.
In the meantime, I noticed that I received a text message from Jared.
Jared: Good morning baby girl, I can't stop thinking about you...
Mia: Good morning Jared. ... and Oh yeah? like what about me?
Jared: Like how sexy you are. I don't think you realize it Mia. You drive me crazy.
I was rusty when it came to flirting so I didn't know how to respond to Jared. While I thought about it, another message from him came through before I sent out my own.
Jared: Send me a sexy picture of yourself...
I thought about his request. Alicia would probably call me prude because I had absolutely no sexy pictures in my phone but I had a great explanation for it. Before now, I had no need to save sexy pictures of myself in phone because I haven't had a boyfriend in like ever and I also didn't have a fuck buddy.
Also, usually I would tell a guy no to sexy pictures because I didn't want my nudes to land in the wrong hands. But then I thought about it for Jared...In this case, I ended up deciding to go ahead and grant Jared's request.
In my head, it was an awesome way to spice things up with Jared, especially since we hadn't had sex yet. Right now, Jared and I were at a cross roads in our relationship and I felt like any day now, he would be asking me to make it official with him. Did I like the guy? Yes! But I felt like we were missing some much needed sexual chemistry. So I was hoping that these pictures could help solve that issue.
Because I didn't have any cute or sexy images of myself in my phone, I decided to quickly snap a few pictures and hope they came out good enough for Jared. I didn't go all out with full on nudes but, I would definitely tease the man just enough so that he could fantasize about what I looked like and use his imagination. I wanted to give Jared a small appetizer of what he could look forward to.
I peered at myself in the mirror and I felt like I wanted to go for something simple and cute. I already had on a lacy black thong and a regular white t-shirt. So, to spice things up, I swapped out the t-shirt for a white crop top and my simple look was complete. Taking a picture dressed like this looked classic, and it seemed effortless. I took a few shots of myself, sifted through the best ones, and was about to send them when I received a random unexpected text message from Zane.
I opened Zane's text message and read it.
Zane: Good morning Mia...
I wondered what Zane wanted...
Mia: What's up?
I wanted to keep our conversation short and straight to the point.
Zane: Did Professor Gordon respond to our Plan of Action yet? I had some ideas that I want to put together but I'm waiting until she gives us the green light.
Mia: It's the weekend, she'll probably tell us by Monday.
Zane: Alright.
Ever since yesterday when Zane had the audacity to kiss me, I'd been trying my hardest to push him and that kiss out of my mind. I didn't want to think about the kiss, I didn't want to think about Zane, and I damn sure didn't want to think about his girlfriend Tanisha.
I kept repeating to myself that his kiss meant nothing to me. But because of that kiss, I was now regretting agreeing to go to this Action Park get together thing that Alicia planned with some of her friends. The fact that the entire thing was planned specifically because she wanted to push Zane on me made the idea of going worse.
But regardless of how I was feeling, I wasn't going to back out and cancel on Alicia at the last minute. However, because of what happened yesterday between Zane and I, I was going to make sure to keep my distance from that damn demon seed.
I shook the thoughts of Zane out of my head and brought my mind back to Jared; I was in the middle of sending some cute photos to Jared and so I went ahead and gazed over the images one last time before I sent him two of my favorite ones.
This was the first time I was doing something like this and so my gut clenched while nervousness washed over me as I began to second guess myself. What if he didn't find me attractive? I could admit that sometimes I was a little insecure about my appearance as a dark skinned woman; especially since Jared was very light skinned. Sometimes I found that a lot of men didn't appreciate darker skinned women as much as they should. We were beautiful but society didn't see us that way. And sometimes when people did find dark skin women attractive, they usually chose ladies with more caucasoid features like smaller noses and thinner lips. So for Jared to be into me, I sometimes thought it was too good to be true.
A few minutes later and I felt my phone vibrate. When I picked it up, I rolled my eyes because it wasn't Jared. Instead, the preview showed that it was another message from Zane. What did he want? I was about to open his text thread, but then I was distracted by a few light taps on my room door. This effectively distracted me from my phone as I threw it behind me. I then ran and threw on a white t-shirt and some pajama pants before telling whoever was at the door to come in.
A second later and Joshua entered my room. Joshua seemed quiet as he took a seat at my desk and peered at me.
"Hey big sis. Long time no speak." He stated and I nodded my head in agreement.
"Yea and it's been painfully obvious that you've been avoiding me Joshua. As your sister, that hurts..." Joshua exhaled heavily as he rubbed his palm down his face.
"Yeah, I know and I'm sorry about that Mia. It's just that, I love you and all but sometimes talking to you can be difficult." I narrowed my eyes on Josh and tilted my head questioningly.
"We are blood Josh... Nothing that you say to me will ever change how I feel about you or how much I love you." I had to reassure Joshua that no matter what, I had his back. Joshua raised an eyebrow filled with disbelief.
"You say that now but, I wonder how you will feel after I say what I came here to reveal to you." Josh kept his gaze trained on me without even blinking.
"Try me.." I knew I seemed closed-minded most of the time but I will always support my sibling. Family was all we had. Joshua gazed at me for a few more seconds before getting the courage to say his peace.
"Okay Mia. So, what if I told you that I'm attracted to white girls and they're my all time preference when it came down to who I choose to date. Would you be okay with that?" Okay, I could admit that he started this conversation off very strong!
I couldn't help when my heart caved into the bottom of my chest at the sound of Joshua's question. I wondered if he was being hypothetical or dead serious. I would assume this was more of an admission of truth rather than a question and he was trying to feel me out before confirming. So now that I had some idea of what Josh's issue might be, I knew I had to handle this situation delicately. I tried to calm my voice.
"What are you saying, Josh? Are you saying that you don't like black women?" I needed him to clarify himself. He shook his head in response.
"Black women are beautiful, Mia. I didn't say they aren't. But how I feel about white women is something I've never told you before because I know how you are, especially after Mike's death. But I've decided that now is when I should open up and speak on how I really feel."
I eyeballed Josh to watch his body language and see how serious he was being right now. And I could tell he was being dead ass serious. I tried to continue to remain reasonable and calm.
"Why tell me this now?" I asked curiously.
Joshua sighed. "Because.... I'm dating a white girl right now Mia." He trailed off to see how I would respond but I didn't say anything as I waited for him to finish. "I've always wanted to be able to date white women without being judged by you or our family....and I know I've told you in the past that I would date whoever I want when I want. But if you've noticed, I haven't brought a serious girlfriend home and that's because my family's opinions mean everything to me. Specifically yours...Your opinion means the world to me but I know for a fact that you will judge me on this."
I listened to what Joshua had to say and I understood why he had so many fears. Right now, I would be lying if I said I wasn't confused by his confession. Basically, he was saying he preferred white women. I couldn't put a word on all of the emotions that I felt in this moment but I knew most of my feelings weren't good.
I shook my head as I tried to keep an open mind and hold back the dark sides of my thoughts. But the more I looked at Josh, the more disappointed I got. He was literally telling me he loved the same race of women that killed his brother. I closed my eyes to get a grip over my emotions so that I didn't just lash out at Joshua. Right now, Joshua needed my support.
A full minute went by before I felt comfortable enough to speak again. When I opened my eyes, Josh was staring at me intently and waiting for my response.
"Who is she?" I asked him curiously. I then realized I already knew the answer to that question and so I continued. "Actually, I know who. Why Harper?" I wasn't dumb. Joshua had to be speaking about Harper. Rebecca made it abundantly clear that Harper was the person he was seeing when she exposed their date and nearly killed the Devil woman the other night. Joshua readjusted himself uncomfortably and sat back in his chair.
"Oh so you know?" I nodded my head yes. "She's a really sweet girl Mia and she's my type." Hearing Joshua praise that idiot triggered me and I couldn't hold back my anger any longer.
"So you're telling me that you're attracted to the devil?" I asked sarcastically as I observed Josh shaking his head.
"See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You can't see past your own prejudices. Just because she's white doesn't mean she's the devil. There are plenty of angry black women out there but you don't see me calling them the devil!" Joshua lashed out at me and his words sent me over the edge.
Not only was my brother claiming to be dating a dumb bitch that I fought just the other day, here he was using the, "angry black woman" stereotype, that is used to limit black women from expressing their true feelings. Black women don't want to be labeled as angry and so they tend to be very conscious of what they say and do so as not to be labeled as such. I know that Joshua was my brother but this was a sensitive topic for me and there was only so much I could take. My voice was low with anger as I responded to his dumbass statement.
"You misunderstood my comment Josh. I'm not calling white women the devil...NO, I'm calling your girlfriend the devil. And the fact that you could sit here and tell me you're dating someone that I despise really disgusts me. So no, I will not support you in this. Maybe if it was someone else but not her, not the Spawn of Satan!"
"Don't talk about Harper like that! You don't even know her... She told me why you fought her the other night." He chuckled sarcastically. "But you have the audacity to be calling her the devil?" Joshua trailed off as he stood up. At the same time, a loud gasp escaped my lips because I couldn't believe what he was saying. How could he be so naive? I got up and walked right up to my brother and entered his personal space as I peered up into his face.
"I know I have my own issues that I need to fix but if you want to know my opinion...I am disappointed in who you've chosen to date. She is someone that you know I have a problem with. And this whole time you never even asked me my side of the story." I sighed as I spoke some more. " This whole situation is sad because, the more I hear you speak, the more I realize that you also have your own issues you need to sort through." Joshua scowled at me but he never said anything as I continued.
I placed my hands on my hips. "Listen to me carefully Joshua. Harper will hurt you. It's not a maybe she will hurt you. Nope! I know for a fact she will hurt you. It's just a matter of when. Secondly, you think your preference for white women is something you just happen to have? Wrong! Preference is learned. So somewhere along the way, you've learned that white is right! Date who you want but be truthful to yourself on why you prefer one race over another."
I let that sink in as I eyeballed Joshua's reaction. Steam seemed to be coming out of his ears as he gawked at me.
"Whatever Mia... I said my peace and I'm not changing my mind because you hate seeing me with Harper. That's your own personal problem. But I will say one thing... keep that same energy with that white boyfriend of yours. What was his name? Shane?" My eyes widened with shock but I quickly tried to school my face when I noticed Josh watching my reaction. How did Josh know about Zane? There wasn't anything going on with us but obviously he'd heard some sort of gossip.
"You thought I didn't know you're over there entertaining some white boy yet trying to lecture me on wanting to date white women. Harper told me everything." He shook his head with disappointment. "I gotta go Mia. Talk to me when you've pulled your head out of your hypercritical judgmental ass." Josh's final words stung me to my core and I was at a loss for words as I watched him walk right past me and out my room.
I closed my eyes again and tried to calm my nerves. I loved my baby brother but right now I felt like he was lost. He was trying to compare situations between me and him without having the full details. And I think the most frustrating part about it was that he wasn't trying to educate himself on any of the facts regarding me and Harper.
I knew for a fact that Harper was probably using Josh to get back at me. And knowing this frustrating piece of information made me feel helpless because Joshua was just as stubborn as I was and he wasn't going to listen if he didn't want to.
I hated that Joshua didn't understand that whatever feelings he thought I had for Zane, those feelings would not be in the same category as what he had for Harper. If I, "hypothetically," said that I liked Zane, it wasn't because of his race. I would like Zane based off of who he was as a person. I wouldn't put Zane on a pedestal because he was white. On the other hand, I felt like Josh was entertaining Harper solely because she was white and that's what he wanted. But at the end of the day, he was wrong about everything with me and Zane anyway. I didn't even have anything going on with Zane so Josh trying to call me a hypocrite made no sense.
And although my conversation with Joshua sucked ass, I was trying not to make this early morning conversation ruin the rest of my day. My therapist was awesome in helping me understand that, sometimes one thing can fuck up your whole day but that one thing shouldn't if we put everything into perspective. Basically, my 20 minute conversation with Josh shouldn't ruin the other 1,420 minutes in the rest of the day; I was working on not allowing a small portion of my day fuck up my mental state for the entirety of that day. I had too many things I had planned for today to be stuck with anger.
With that being said, I decided to push my discussion with Joshua to the back of my mind and grab my cellphone. I'd completely forgotten that Zane sent me a message that I'd yet to check and that Jared was probably still texting me. When I grabbed my phone, I was correct. I had several texts from Jared and one single text from Zane.
I opened up the messages from Jared first.
Jared: ???
Jared: Baby girl??? Are u there?
Jared: Are you sending the picture?
I scrunched my brows together because I'd already sent the pictures to Jared a while ago. I scrolled through the thread to check if maybe the pictures never got sent but I was baffled when I didn't see any evidence that I'd sent Jared the images. I went back into my photo gallery and resent the images. When that was done, I opened up Zane's thread to see what foolishness he wanted.
Once I opened his thread, my heart nearly stopped when I realized my mistake. My stomach twisted uneasily when I saw that I'd accidentally sent the images of my half naked self to Zane. Embarrassment rushed over me and my mind raced while I tried to figure out how to fix this. I was scared to even read Zane's response. And at this point, what could I do now? He'd already seen the pictures. I sucked in a deep breath and read what he said.
Zane: Those pictures better have been sent ONLY to me..
Zane: If I find out otherwise, we're going to have some problems.
I swiped my hand down my face after reading his words. I hated that his words caused my heart rate to quicken ever so slightly. This was the last thing I needed when it came to Zane. I reread his response several times and the more I read it the more it annoyed the hell out of me. Since I was already embarrassed and there was nothing I could do at this point, I decided to burst his stupid little bubble.
Mia: Actually, that was an accident. The pictures were for someone else.
Zane's responded within seconds.
Zane: Seems like someone hasn't learned her lesson. I'll see you later Mia.
(Pissed off meme^)
I didn't want to smile because I really wasn't happy but his stupid meme caused a smile to slip onto my face.
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